Help me thru this sitch

[Pudmuddle]

Hi cherrishher,

Thanks for doing the driving :). You know, I find it a hard habit to break...I KNOW I can never figure anyone out, and I KNOW that I cannot fix it for him, but yet my brain keeps trying to do that...Sigh, a-NOTHER habit I must break! It must be the computer geek software tester in me, always trying to fix broken things. Your words encourage me, thank you.

It must be the computer geek software tester in me, always trying to fix broken things. Your words encourage me, thank you.

This was something my therapist and I talked about a few weeks ago. It has taken me a long time to get out of 'fix it' mode - Once you start empathizing with them and begin to understand the hows and the whys of what they are doing, it quickly becomes clear that there is no quick fix, unfortunately.

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Brit,

I didn't realize I was trying to fix so many things for him until as of late, obviously that was part of my previous pursuing efforts to convince him of why he was acting the way he was and we could fix it. I always thought I was more of an empathizer, but I really haven't been. Thanks for pointing out something I do need to see more clearly Brit. That is why I love this forum, it does help see things from another perspective.

[Pudmuddle]

Ok, here is the latest exchange we had via email regarding paying for my son's dentist bill, and then my db coach bill on a credit card.

Ok all my db fans and friends, did I do ok???? He read a tone into my email which I thought was funny...

H: B get to school ok ? You get to work?

Me: Yup. He was feeling tons better within minutes and I gave him some Motrin and sent him off with his gauze pads. He has his 3 teeth in a tiny little chest they gave him. Yes, I’m at work and Chris and I took GS out to lunch, today was her absolute last day.

I put the $118 dollars on the Cap One…sorry if this was wrong, I really didn’t know if we had the cash in our acct or not. If we did have it, I guess we can cut a check now and send it out?

H: we need to talk about the capital one bill as there is another charge on there for $350.00 I'm guessing it was your coach ?

if you need to stay I'll be heading out of hear soon to get B.

Me: Yes it was my coaching, and I did say I would give money for that, just don’t have checks on my acct yet.

Ok.

H: don't get defensive as that wasn't meant in an accusational way, more of a curiosity as the info on the cc statement was vague

Me: Sorry if you felt there was a tone in the email, I didn’t intend that. I didn’t feel defensive when I wrote it, just informational. I just remember I had told you I would pay for it out of my own money, that’s all.

Please let me know your thoughts on this exchange...

[cherrishher]

No problem with the e-mail....try not to get too analytical of each of your actions.

[Pudmuddle]

Cherrisher, I need you sitting on my shoulder, LOL.

I guess I am just gunshy of talking to him, because I don't want anything to be misconstrued or make him run for the hills again. and there have been so many positives I am afraid of effing up!!!

Thanks for responding.

[lizzy]

Your H also may have just been curious as to if you are getting coaching that I'm assuming you told him you were planning to get. I know my H didn't tell me he started seeing a C until after the fact. The only reason he did was I accused him of a MLC and he let me know that wasn't the case, it was depression. I guess he still doesn't realize they can go together. So if things would not have blown up, I wouldn't have know until I saw it on the insurance statement. So I'm guessing your H was just curious.

[Pudmuddle]

Yeah, lizzy, I'm trying to read to much into things because he is the type that thinks if we are NOT discussing things about our R that things must be ok, and that drives me batty.

Update: Nothing like a total dis early in the morning...My H came into my bedroom while I was getting ready for work and said he was going to take OW out to a hockey game this sunday and he wanted to take our son...At the time I was so shocked, I just said "You need to do what you need to do". But I was livid underneath...how's that for DB acting??

Anyhoo, after I had time to think about it, it just didn't sit right with me. It seems he is still trying to get our son to believe what he is doing is ok! My S is only 10 yrs old!!!!

So when I got to work I sent him an email and said this

I’ve had some time to absorb this, and I can’t agree with this and here’s why. It seems to me that you are still trying to justify your actions and behavior to your son. I can handle what comes my way with you, but he is only a child and cannot really truly grasp the adultness of this situation. Exposing him to a “relationship” that was based off of lies and deceit is not something I want our son to be exposed to. Like the counselor said we should not dis our spouse to our son or use him as a sounding board. This is exactly what I see as a dis to me by you and it will cause B to favor you once again over me, making him think that I am ok with this, when I am not. Until we are no longer in your life as a family I prefer that you keep the “relationship” to yourself.

Don't know if this was right, but I just had to put my foot down on this one, it just seems so wrong to try and involve our S right now. Especially since the H has made no move to file, move out, or change bills or anything else.

And I was so mad this time, I couldn't even cry. Usually I start leaking at the hint of any R talks, but I guess I am moving on in my heart. I just can't believe this is the man I married and his behaviors just appall me right now. I keep wondering if I really do want to be married to someone who can't handle this well....SIGH.

[Pudmuddle]

I feel like going completely dark with him right now, but how do I do that when we are in the same house...I really don't even feel like talking with him at all right now. BIG SIGH. I hate this crap.

[Heimlich]

Hey, PM, not caught up on your last few days, but it is absolutely wrong for your H to take your S to a game, or to anything, with OW. That's BS. He shoulnd't do it and should be able to understand how confusing that would be for his S.

BD