When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

well, had a big R talk with H. last night. Read on for the stream of consciousness details...

The conversation started with some bad DB'ing...we went out to dinner and I think I was stressed out or something because as we were leaving, I made a comment that could have been interpreted by the owner of the restaurant as bad and H. said "what are you doing?" a bit abruptly and I ended up in tears. H. asked me what was wrong and I said that I was just feeling sorry for myself. That I'm still really sad about what has happened to us and that there are times when I just don't feel as though I know what to fix in myself. H. was silent -- didn't seem mad -- but also didn't really respond. After a few minutes of driving he held my hand, kissed it, tried to cheer me up and said "I love you so much. I think that you are wonderful."

We got home and went to watch tv. I still was feeling sorry for myself and was trying to distract myself by reading. I cried a bit (ugh, why didn't I just excuse myself?) and H. asked what was wrong -- was there anything that I wanted to talk about. (Note -- this is a huge departure from usual -- generally my emotions get him into "angry man mode" )

I reiterated what I said before -- that I was often confused about what had happened and that I felt like if I didn't understand the root cause, I didn't know how to keep it from happening again. H. said that he didn't think that it was that logical -- that the A wasn't the "thing" but that we were too different -- that I was always "analyzing and chewing things into little bits" and that he was more relaxed and able to just let stuff be. He said that I was always reading books and listening to tapes to find "the answer". And that he didn't think that I would ever be happy.

we talked a bit about what life was like before the A and he said that I always seemed so unhappy and searching and expecting something from him. He said that one of the reasons that he thinks he had the A was that I kept acting like he was cheating on me -- mistrustful and suspicious -- and he says he thinks there was a part of him that wanted to just "give you what you were looking for". I agreed with him that I had been unhappy, that I was always looking for the other shoe to drop, that I had been so afraid and confused and that in my fear, had tried to control and manipulate him.

Without sounding angry, he just sounded resigned that the M. was over -- due to our "differences" in personality. He said that neither one of us was bad or broken but that he didn't see how we could ever make it work and that he would "kill himself" if we were still having this same conversation at 65. He said that he's known me forever and that things will never change.

I asked him if he had seen changes in us over the last few months because I certainly had. I told him how much I appreciated his efforts at our M. and he said that he had done it consciously that he had decided to "love me as much as" he could "to see if it would help but it didn't". I told him that when I could see through my fears over the last few months, that I've had many joyful moments with him. He said something like "I haven't really done much" and I responded with a list of the small things that he's been doing (meeting me at the door, making plans for us, calling just to chat, the surprise events, etc) that have meant so much.

He said that he feels an undercurrent of anxiety from me and that he can't live his life wondering if tonight is the night when his wife is going to burst into tears. I told him that he was right about the anxiety and that a lot of it was based in not feeling as though we could talk about his A.

I asked him when the A started and he said sometime last spring but he didn't have "an anniversary date". He said that he knew that it was wrong and that early on he told ow that it would be over some day. He said that because he said that over and over to her that by the time I found out and the A ended, that he had already detached and it didn't feel like a big deal to him to end it. I made some comment like "well, she was a big part of your life" and he said "I don't know if this makes it worse but she wasn't.". I made some not-very-nice comment about why her and he said "why not her? do you think I'd pick someone like you? she's nothing like you" I asked what that meant and he said "she doesn't over analyze anything. and she doesn't have your 'towering intellect'" (note that this was said without sarcasm -- I'm assuming it's not my brainpower that irks H. but how I use it!)

I got off my chest a few things -- that it felt like a double betrayal that ow sought out a friendship with me during the A. (he said that he never encouraged her to do that) and that when he was telling me that he was going to quit his job that he said that my "paranoia and evilness" would harm ow. He apologized for that, said that he had just known that he needed to quit then before I found out about the A and he'd have to quit under extreme pressure.

The tone of the whole conversation was calm (outside at least). It was scary and disheartening to hear that H. feels as though we're too different to "work". He had nailed all of the stuff that I had figured out about myself pretty squarely but there was a definite sense that "people don't change -- we'll never be happy". There was also the sense that my even trying to work on my fears, etc with a therapist was a sign that things were too broken...My response to that was that I knew for myself, with him or without him, that I needed to address my fears and insecurities and that I would continue to do that whether the M. survived or not. (I didn't say that bitchy)

I asked him if it would freak him out if I said that I wasn't giving up on us and he said it wouldn't.

When we went to bed, he told me that he loved me, was affectionate (holding my hand) as we were falling asleep. This morning I got a quick hug in bed (I love those!) and we went to a 6am spinning class together. When we got home and were standing around the kitchen, H. thanked me for the conversation of last night and thanked me for "hearing through" his convoluted way of conversing. I told him that the conversation hadn't seemed convoluted at all and that I really appreciated him talking with me so honestly.

So. Where are we now? Well, it's clear to me that I need to keep doing the work on myself that I was doing -- for me, for H., for M. It's also pretty clear to me that I need to work on how to communicate my feelings without them being a "monkey wrench" in the system (or a major blowup). I need to let go of A. I need to stop aplogizing for who I am. And, I need to work on striving for my happiness.

I also think that H. and I are doing the right things in our M. for the most part. The going out, the intimacy, the element of surprise, the celebration of our love, etc. I have to "relax into it" as I've said before -- but, I knew that!

I love that my H. put his mind to loving me as much as he could -- I'm feeling good that last night's conversation didn't derail that effort as painful and scary as it was.

If you've read this far, thanks! I'd love to hear your comments.

Sage