Yah, H. is a romantic. Unfortunately, I think I missed that point for the early years of our M. Was too busy wondering when he was gonna break my heart and leave me to notice his love.
Yesterday was a really stressful day for me -- kind of a combination of work stress, school stress, I have to testify in court on Thurs. for my volunteer job and some weird stuff is going on with an Ebay transaction I did some months ago...by the time I left work I had a very freaky feeling in my stomach -- nerves all over the place.
I ended up in this internal battle with myself -- can I show my nerves? Will he be ok with them? Or, is my tendency to worry about stuff a solid reason why he drifted from our M? I was definitely a worrier, an obsesser in the past. I think I've gotten better but it's kind of what I was referring to on Friday -- am I "allowed" to still show the warty sides of me?
We went to the movies. I felt agitated on the ride over (the traffic was frustrating). H. was loving and affectionate -- holding my hand for almost the whole time. An hour into the movie I started feeling SO sad -- an extension of the "warts and all" feeling -- How do I show my true self? What is my true self? How do I balance fixing the crap that contributed to our M. demise and still being me?
Ah, well. Not particularly constructive DB'ing. I need to keep focusing on the behavior that works -- talking less, listening more, not controlling (or trying to control) H. out of fear, remaining calm, acting "as if", not questioning H.
I think I'm just having growing pains!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
