More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks H! Well, it turns out she never went. Decided it was too far to drive.

As for packing her bags and directions, that was just my way of saying I was really hoping she'd go - I never offered that to her or mentioned it any way.

After I posted I started thinking the same thing. Just because they have divorced, and are happy, doesn't mean they don't regret the ending of the original marriage.

[Dr LOve]

Hey MCC,

how ya doing? Too bad about the trip. My W has a problem with depresion abut does nothing to help herself.
I alway want to go somewhere and do something and she does not. Sooo that is why I am going to vegas. This will be the fisrt time in my life that I made a trip that far and that long by myself.
I am going to try to wait it out until then to have the BIG R talk with W. I want to have the talk just before I leave that way WE will have time apart to think about our next move.
It will also give W time to find a job. The only problem is MIL is not doing to well, If anything happens to her I don't know what will happen with W.
It is so hard to wait for the W to make up her mind.

Stay strong big guy. we can lean on each other.

Husband

[Michael Mc C]

Yep, definitely need to lean from time to time. Thanks for checking in on me. This weekend was really good actually from a R perspective - not so much a M perspective though. All in all, we all had some fun together.
---------------------------
A lot of catching up to do:

Finances are the biggest thing right now. We're look into debt consolidation AND debt management. She has yet to find a job but I can sit and wait only for so long. She has 'looked' but she hasn't exactly been knocking on doors... I have taken the lead here, even though she said she would help with managing our bills, and started calling around. I asked her this morning to take care of the calls but by the time 2:30 rolled around, she still hadn't. Enough waiting, our kids are depending on us damn it! In hindsight, I almost wish I had told her that...

D11 is going to Hunter next weekend for a birthday party - this past weekend was for the moms. Anyway, the latest plan is that she will bring D11 up there and spend the weekend. One way or the other, I'm going to be sure I have plans of my own for me, D13 and S8. If she does go, I don't want her to think I have nothing to do while she's away. If she stays here, I don't want her to think that I'm sitting around waiting for her input.

The decision about our NC trip may no longer be in our hands. My FIL is very ill so we're thinking about staying local. W admitted she has mixed feelings about going but from what she has said, it's only because of her father's condition.

I have plans to give W a card tomorrow (a.m., p.m., not sure yet) regarding anniversary. Nothing major, just something to mark the occasion.

BIL and his GF stopped by unexpectedly last night with 2 bottles of wine. It was a pre-anniversary surprise (they are fully aware of our current sitch so it was a little awkward). Near the end of the evening BIL asked us if we had plans for Tuesday. Wife wasn't sure why he was asking about Tuesday (she's never been good with dates). He said "It's your anniversary jackass!"

She took it okay (since it's her brother). I didn't appreciate it as much but took it in stride - no comments, no looks. He said it jokingly but was definitely trying to make a point.

Her response was that we were shipping the kids over to his place so we could have wild monkey sex!

Hah! If only.

"wild monkey sex" - my wife is a riot, I really love (and had been missing) her sense of humor.

The fun the 4 of us were having, however, ended when W booted up the computer to play her game. BIL's GF began crying, discretely, because she "no longer has a friend" (they share the same birthday and have been best of friends since we moved back from Denmark in July of '99). I tried to comfort her, understanding the sense of loss. I told her that it's not so much that the friend is gone, it's just that the friend is lost at the moment. It seemed to help a little but I refused to make excuses for W. I will not be able to take away all the pain that has been caused. W will hopefully take some time and action to help rebuild all these relationships that have fallen by the wayside - and there are so many that have.

Anyway, I don't expect much in the way of her acknowledging tomorrow. If I give her the card, I'm sure I'll get a thank you and possibly a "I wasn't sure if we were doing anything this year". BTDT a few years ago unfortunately. Might even get a "What the hell were you thinking?"

I'm going to act as if she is going to be pleased with the card, although I'm preparing for any one of the 3 responses above (there are probably other possibilities but I imagine they would just be variations of the above). Regardless of how it turns out, I will be sure to remain grounded.

Anyway, still got the PMA going. Still reading up on, and putting into practice, techniques for maintaining the PMA and self-esteem. It's funny that even though it all makes perfect sense, every once in a while I need to get knocked in the head to realize that I'm not doing anyone any favors by NOT being who I truly am or not living with my goals in mind.

Thanks!

[Michael Mc C]

Okay, the card has been delivered. Today hasn't been a great day and there has been no comment about our anniversary (except what's in the card).

I haven't received any feedback from her regarding the card but that is to be expected. I only see her a few times a day when I leave my office downstairs.

I didn't hear her smashing anything in the kitchen so I can probably take the crash helmet off... think I'll keep the cup on, just in case.

Ran into my sister unexpectedly at the store last night. Apparently W told her on Saturday that OM is still not playing the online game and that she misses him.

I feel terrible for her... right.

Last night was fine for a while. I had my PMA fully stoked and I think I actually got a response from W on that. Her mood picked up after I got off work and I believe it had a lot to do with my attitude. Not sure, but I'm going with it. After coming back from the store, however, she backslid (she got onto the game). I guess she's going in there now more and more to see if he's around. She was on for about an hour - far less time than normal.

She put a movie in afterwards and although I was tempted to sit with her to watch it, I decided to go read. If she wants my company, she can (and will eventually) ask for it.

I bought a new scale while I was out last night. 240 (I'm 6' 3"). That's about 30 pounds lost. My sister was there when I tried the scale out at the store. I was grinning from ear to ear and she said "now THAT is a PMA!"

I love that kid!!

*** Wife just called. She has fresh coffee on. I love the fact that she's calling me for that again. Could be she wants to talk about 'the card'. We'll see. ***

[LL44]

I didn't hear her smashing anything in the kitchen so I can probably take the crash helmet off... think I'll keep the cup on, just in case

LOL!!! We must protect ourselves.

Hmm, maybe she wants to talk.........

[Michael Mc C]

LOL!!! We must protect ourselves.

Yes we must!

I ran upstairs (only ran because I had a 10:00 conference call scheduled. W was pleasant and told me she sent an email. Pleasant or not, PMA or not, I have to admit I was nervous to read it. Here it is:

"Today is our anniversary. I did indeed forget. Not because it isn't important, but I haven't been keeping track of dates on the calendar, just what day it is. Thank you for the card. It was perfect and very thoughtful. Very sorry I did not pick up anything to say thank you."

(told you she was bad with dates).

I don't think I will respond. I've delivered my message (happiness for good times, kids in my life, etc. No ILY's, no 'Happy Anniversary' - thanks Frank_D, the sentiments are all true so there may be a hint of plagarism). Of course, being the overly analytical person I am, I find myself wondering what she means by:

Very sorry I did not pick up anything to say thank you.

1) Is she saying sorry for not picking anything up?
2) Is she saying sorry for not picking something up to thank me for the past 14 years, even though it's now over?
3) Does she want to say 'thank you' like she did in last year's anniversary card (she thanked me, basically, for loving her and providing support when school got stressful and for helping with a lot of chaotic things that were going on with the PTO).
4) Does she want to say 'thank you' for accepting our marriage is over (which I really haven't yet)?

I could just ask but why worry? Nothing has outwardly changed. She's still infatuated with this guy and still wants to go down D-road. I feel good about giving her the card and her reaction is much better than a simple 'thank you'.

[frank_D]

Who cares?

[Dr LOve]

Who cares?

Hey mcc_xfer, I agree with frank, the important thing is you did get a responce. That is sure a hell of a lot more that I got and I made a special dinner (snals yuck).

Don't worry about it
smile

Husband

[Michael Mc C]

wow. you're both absolutely right. maybe i'm not analytical - maybe it's neurotic! i simply did what i set out to do. her response was better than i expected. why look deeper into it? and quite frankly, regardless of what she has said, does it change anything that i have said, written or felt? absolutely not.

d13 just came out of bed and wished us a happy anniversary. after she went back to bed, W said "damn, she remembered but I couldn't". well... not much to say about that. i forgave her, she has a lot going on with her dad - besides, i didn't expect her to acknowledge today to be anything more than TUESDAY.

it turns out that today has been a great day for me. W and I have gotten along very well - not that we've been arguing lately - but we've spent a lot of quality time together. on top of that we went to a meeting to discuss finances and possbily consolidating some debts. while alone in the office she started talking about things we could do now since we'd have some extra money. did not read too much into it but that mutual future planning is something that stopped back in September.

still don't believe anything major has changed but it's been a blessing to have my self-esteem back AND to have 'normal' relations with her (i.e., my self-esteem doesn't rely on her approval nor does it rely on me feeling like I have the upper hand). we were equals today. i have no idea when that last happened.

[frank_D]

So, TUESDAY was a memorable day then...