our un-relationship

[azhira]

Yes, you said it much more elegantly. That's what I meant.

[azhira]

So, xh kept pushing until I finally talked to him somewhat on the phone. Ugh. I hate doing this at work...

The main points:

He felt I was being 'cold' and 'weird', and therefore was punishing him. (Huh?) He felt I was out of line for the snooping, and had no right to get mad at him because I have no idea what is going on in his life. (Yeah. I think sleeping with someone entails a certain degree of closeness, right?) He feels entitled to a key to my place because of the baby. (I have taken it away.) He feels he 'deserves' this kind of 'friendship' with me because of the baby--and justifies his actions with "but I protested before/during/after the sex". He feels he did absolutely nothing to lead me on or give me the impression we were in any way involved in a romantic relationship. (Can I hit him over the head now, please?)

He also said that I have "no idea" what is "really going on" and that I shouldn't jump to conclusions. (I'm sorry, but I think his interactions with JD are pretty clear. If he wants to play stupid, that's his problem.)

So. Basically, we are reading from the "married but husband is having an affair" script, whether or not he realizes it. Well, since there is no more marriage, I am going to quit playing this game. He can get angry at me all he wants, but that's his issue.

I really, really, really want to stick to my boundaries this time.

I am going to wrap up this letter, and give it to him tonight. I suspect I know how this will play out.

[Dom R]

quickie comment, dont have time to read more:

i think you were focused on, at the beginning, "we've bveen acting like married people so treat me like one".

instead i might suggest you saying, "we've been acting like GOOD pmarried people... hasnt it been nice? how about continuing to act like that together. not neccessarilyt with permemant commitment, but at least exclusive commitment"

[azhira]

Again, you've hit what I really meant to say.

I'm not trying to get him to give up his pseudo-single lifestyle. Really, I'm not ready to move that far ahead, myself. I just don't want him to be sleeping with/heavily emotionally involved with someone else while he is doing the same things with me. I don't even care if he still hangs out with his friends...I'm not even asking him to stop being around JD...

I just feel totally grossed out by the idea of us being physical while he's sending her cutesy messages and possibly planning an R with her. (Not necessarily that he wants an R with her, just that he'd be so close to me while doing it.)

[azhira]

The other night, when you said “Maybe I have been with other people,” it really started me thinking.

We have been behaving in a ‘married’ way. We spend a lot of time together—usually the entire weekend. We usually sleep in the same bed. We talk several times a day, and about very emotionally intimate things. We have traded apartment keys. We plan meals together. We often lend each other money, help each other out, and budget together. I help you with your school work, and you perform maintenance work on my cars. We occasionally have sex.

We have a child together.

To me, these are things that a happily married couple does. The only elements missing (besides an actual commitment) are saying “I love you” or cuddling—and those are things that we sometimes do, as well. Long term romantic relationships often can feel like a very deep friendship.

Hasn’t it been really nice? I know how much I’ve enjoyed it.

However, I am concerned that it appears I am being deceived. It would be naïve of me to believe that you have not been physically intimate with JD. After all, you have been exchanging “I love you” messages for months. There are messages alluding to “what is between you” as well as you asking her if she “still wants to be with” you. To me, these indicate more than a casual friendship. This is how someone interacts with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

From my perspective, by not labeling either relationship, you are having your cake and eating it, too. I am in the role of the wife. She is in the role of girlfriend. You get to experience the giddy fun of a new relationship, while still having someone ‘safe’ to return home to. This is how it appears to me.

I do not wish to play ‘wife’ on the side while you play ‘dating couple’ with someone else. I will not be physically intimate with someone who is being physically intimate with someone else. That you have not put labels on either relationship does not change how these interactions affect all of us. I have stated before that I will not be this close with you if you were to date. From my side, it appears that you are dating JD—despite your reluctance to actually call it that. That you choose not to call it that, and are open about your feelings for her, does not make it okay for me.

The past several months have been beautiful. I enjoy spending time with you—it’s easy, it’s fun, and we are a great family. You have told me that you have enjoyed this time, as well. We have been reconnecting in a lovely way, and I would like to get closer to you again. However, I have a hard time getting closer to someone whom I know is emotionally involved with someone else. I’m not looking for anything permanent, or any kind of commitment…just to know that the person I am getting emotionally close to is not also emotionally involved with someone else.

[azhira]

Another thought.

One of the things I've been really working on, is the whole unconditional love thing. I am bothered that xh felt I was punishing him.

Would it have been better to keep acting as if until I had given him the letter? I tried to explain to him that I wasn't avoiding him (I wasn't, really) and it was just that I was trying to figure out how to say something to him, and was having a very hard time.

I wonder how much of his sudden anger (about the snooping, about my cold behavior) was really fear because I was clearly pulling back?

Changed the last paragraph around, so it ends on a more positive note:

I have a hard time getting closer to someone whom I know is emotionally involved with someone else. The past several months have been beautiful. I enjoy spending time with you—it’s easy, it’s fun, and we are a great family. You have told me that you have enjoyed this time, as well. We have been reconnecting in a lovely way, and I would like to get closer to you again.

[Dom R]

oh, and on the whole "deserves" thing... whats sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, is the old expression.

if he gets rights because of your child... then you do too!
If he gets access into your life, then you get access into his!

not to mention.. what about the rights of the child itself?

Your BABY deserves a single, unified home.
He may not have been understanding of that, when your child was born. but now he's attached to your child.. he may be more receptive to that concept.

i think that you have about 1 more year to sort this out, before it starts getting confusing for the child (or until age 3, if a boy. dont remember which you have)

[Dom R]

Again, you've hit what I really meant to say.

I'm not trying to get him to give up his pseudo-single lifestyle. Really, I'm not ready to move that far ahead, myself.

Errr.. whaddya mean, not ready? you're already there, seems to me.

YOU are not really single. you are only looking to date, in retaliation to him.
but i dont think you really want to date anyone else. i think hyou just want to be with him.

I don't even care if he still hangs out with his friends...I'm not even asking him to stop being around JD...

be realistic. it will poison progression in your relationship with him. unless you become "her friend" too, and she supports your un-marriage.
Which ISNT LIKELY, SINCE SHE THINKS HE IS HER BOYFRIEND?!!!

reality check for both of you.

I wonder how much of his sudden anger (about the snooping, about my cold behavior) was really fear because I was clearly pulling back?

Go read on the infidelity board perhaps.

his reaction is standard for anyone confronted with the reality, "you're cheating on me!".

his reactions about you being distant, are separate from his reactions about you snooping and finding out the truth of what he's been up to

[Dom R]

PS: for your letter:
i'd suggest removing the first reference to marriage. It will put up his defenses immediately.

leave the only reference to marriage, as "these are things that a happily married couple do"

[DaveJ]

Well, to him you are punishing him because he's missing that closeness/connection with you when you pulled back. But he needs to live with it because you are asking for space to think. Unconditional love does not mean feeding his neediness. You are pulling back because you need the boundaries to protect yourself. You aren't doing it to punish him. Sounds like he's panicking and doing a lot of pursuing. Oddly, very much like something I would usually do. :P So his anger could have a lot to do with fear or frustration that you are pulling back. Either that or he got his hands caught in the cookie jar and is feeling guilty....