The other night, when you said “Maybe I have been with other people,” it really started me thinking.
We have been behaving in a ‘married’ way. We spend a lot of time together—usually the entire weekend. We usually sleep in the same bed. We talk several times a day, and about very emotionally intimate things. We have traded apartment keys. We plan meals together. We often lend each other money, help each other out, and budget together. I help you with your school work, and you perform maintenance work on my cars. We occasionally have sex.
We have a child together.
To me, these are things that a happily married couple does. The only elements missing (besides an actual commitment) are saying “I love you” or cuddling—and those are things that we sometimes do, as well. Long term romantic relationships often can feel like a very deep friendship.
Hasn’t it been really nice? I know how much I’ve enjoyed it.
However, I am concerned that it appears I am being deceived. It would be naïve of me to believe that you have not been physically intimate with JD. After all, you have been exchanging “I love you” messages for months. There are messages alluding to “what is between you” as well as you asking her if she “still wants to be with” you. To me, these indicate more than a casual friendship. This is how someone interacts with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
From my perspective, by not labeling either relationship, you are having your cake and eating it, too. I am in the role of the wife. She is in the role of girlfriend. You get to experience the giddy fun of a new relationship, while still having someone ‘safe’ to return home to. This is how it appears to me.
I do not wish to play ‘wife’ on the side while you play ‘dating couple’ with someone else. I will not be physically intimate with someone who is being physically intimate with someone else. That you have not put labels on either relationship does not change how these interactions affect all of us. I have stated before that I will not be this close with you if you were to date. From my side, it appears that you are dating JD—despite your reluctance to actually call it that. That you choose not to call it that, and are open about your feelings for her, does not make it okay for me.
The past several months have been beautiful. I enjoy spending time with you—it’s easy, it’s fun, and we are a great family. You have told me that you have enjoyed this time, as well. We have been reconnecting in a lovely way, and I would like to get closer to you again. However, I have a hard time getting closer to someone whom I know is emotionally involved with someone else. I’m not looking for anything permanent, or any kind of commitment…just to know that the person I am getting emotionally close to is not also emotionally involved with someone else.
