I cannot tell you how much better I feel. Honestly. I went to an AlAnon meeting tonight, and just felt stronger.
My bff has told me time and again that H hasn't even begin to feel his pain. She may be right. But I have traveled so far along the journey. He hasn't even taken the first step. And I am leaving him, sitting there in the mess he made.
I spent the first $500 at the L's office today--2 hours. There was some good financial news, and I was able to get her some other pertinent info that we can use during the collab/negotiations. I really like her; very smart.
A cousin from Bklyn called me on the way home--an offer for anything that they have--house, visit, babysitting, $, friendship, someone to call in the middle of the night, etc. My ever-growing list. Now, just to keep up with everyone
I think I am going out on a date Fri night. Nothing formal, but he has been calling and emailing me every day. The attention is a nice boost. I would even welcome the friendship (although he has very nice arms...).
Life is finally looking up again. I think that I am going to take my aunt up on the Thanksgiving offer and go there that weekend. Let H go and sit with the family who will judge without words, looking at how 2 of the three youngest generation are not there with them. I have somewhere else to be, somewhere else to be welcomed and supported and loved. Its time he started to live the life that he has been asking for so much.
donna, so glad you are feeling good about things,and so happy to see all the support you are surrounding yourself with. its nice to have it offered, but takes courage to accept it sometimes. take care of yourself, and have fun on friday. be safe, take it slowly, have some fun.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Morgan, it is still so up and down. I think it is the holiday, thinking that H would so much rather not see me that he is giving up tonight with the kids.
The knowledge that he just doesn't love me anymore.
It's not the devestation. Not the urge to call him. I guess just another moment of grief for what is lost. Here I sit in my butterfly costume, not loved by whom I had loved for so long. And he may never know that feeling, what he has really done.
I feel that even as I move on, even if I were ever to get remarried, I would still grieve for what was lost sometimes, as I still grieve for my parents sometimes.
Well, that is my self-imposed limit to my pity session. Time to wipe my face and go eat Chinese with my friends.
Don Henley I Got The Call Today, I Didn’t Wanna Hear
But I knew that it would come An old, true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone She said you’d found someone And I thought of all the bad luck, And the struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you What are these voices outside love’s open door Make us throw off our contentment And beg for something more? I’m learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again I’ve been tryin’ to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it’s about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore These times are so uncertain There’s a yearning undefined And people filled with rage We all need a little tenderness How can love survive in such a graceless age? The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness They’re the very things - we kill I guess Pride and competition Cannot fill these empty arms And the work I put between us You know it doesn’t keep me warm I’m learning to live without you now But I miss you, baby And the more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I’d figured out I have to learn again I’ve been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But everything changes And my friends seem to scatter But I think it’s about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore There are people in your life who’ve come and gone They let you down you know they hurt your pride You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on You keep carryin’ that anger; it’ll eat you up inside, baby I’ve been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thought seem to scatter But I think it’s about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don’t love me I’ve been tryin’ to get down To the heart of the matter Because the flesh will get weak And the ashes will scatter So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don’t love me Forgiveness Forgiveness - baby Forgiveness Forgiveness Forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, you don’t love me anymore Fade
Love that song, Donna. Brings me to tears every time I hear it.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
The teetertotter keeps going up and down. Halloween was hard. The weekend was good (H took S camping, so I got D on "his" weekend). Sunday evening ended up going downhill--even with the meds. Just grieving, accepting. Spoke with my SIL (H's bro's wife), and just told her how over things were; she is the one who usually hosts Thanksgiving, and she called me to see what my plans were. I don't want to alienate him from his family, but I can't just go and not be affected, pretend that the elephant is not in the room so everyone else can be comfortable. I'll take the kids to my Aunt's...let him be with his side of the extended family, without us there. I wonder sometimes if he feels anything at all.
Went to the L's today. We didn't seem to get as much done with my $250/hour--I cried on and off. She kept telling me that he was an a$$hole, that he was being abusive. Not the first time I have heard it. I wonder when I will believe it. I don't know who this man is, who he has ever been. Just a downer of a day. I had to leave my 12 yr-old to heat the water and cook the noodles for the spagetti (I had pre-made the sauce), all while he still had homework and getting ready for Scouts. I just had to apologize to him--I never wanted this for them.
Trying to stay in the moment, but next week is the family counseling. I have no idea how to act around him at this point, and now I have to be extra careful because we will be in front of the kids.
I feel the slide and just want to curl up in bed...will have to pull myself back out again. Tomorrow is prof dev day, so no students. Also have to get up early to drop puppy off to the vet to be spayed. Found out today that my dept head and mentor will be undergoing similar surgery to what I went through back in March--except he is much older. I will try to visit him tomorrow or Wed. Tomorrow night is AlAnon. That always seems to help, and reading the daily devotionals is good, too--short and focused.
I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream where my IC, doctors from the hospital, his parents, my bff, all sat around H, along with letters from the kids and other people who had been affected by his choices, trying to get him to understand, make him look at what is driving his choices. I wasn't there. It wasn't comforting, and I think the trigger for the funk. My brain doesn't want to put this "problem to be fixed" down. And the more I look at it, the less I really want to fix it, anyway. I am not sure just how emotionally available this man was to me, ever. If he ever loved me the way that I loved him. If we really are so different, maybe have always been.
Question for parents out here:
Do you love your children more than your spouse, even before the bomb? Or is it vice-versa?
Now, where is your list? What are the things you are doing? Who are you contacting for support? Where is your al-anon walking friend? Take action to address the slide.
Thanks, OT. Seemed to have stopped the slide. Have AlAnon meeting tonight. Stayed up later than I should have last night, and now I'm tired. But ok. Puppy was spayed and is doing well-- a lot of money, though. It will have to go on the credit card. I am spending the day today working with my colleagues, solving problems and looking for ideas for our teaching. I really LOVE my career :0) It is what I have wanted to do since I was so small...
This was the one SIL who has been supportive, so I just told her what had been going on. Everyone just feels bad, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Sometimes I think that if they had given him a harder time about his choices...but he has already shown what he is willing to give up, so it really wouldn't have done anything at all to turn him around. It doesn't do any good to look back on what could have happened, anyway. It is what it is. And that's over.
I am of two minds as of late--remembering what I had, wondering how much was real and how much was my abilitiy / defenses to not see the bad stuff, wondering why I would want him again, even if he did profess to change. He doesn't think he has changed at all--that this has always been him, just standing up for "what he deserves" more, now. He apologized for the affair, but says he doesn't regret it. Then I got the standard: "If you had only..." If I had only not put HIM through so much in the last 4 months, maybe he would have seen that he was making a mistake. Its all bullsh!t. I think I have loved him much more than he has ever been able to love me, all this time. He has said that his inner thoughts, his intimacies have "always been 95% inside his own head." He tried to accuse me of emotionally leaving the marriage first, until I reminded him that I shared as much of my heart and thoughts with him as I could, always. He then recognized that. He said we are very different people. He also told me that the day the children were born, I was usurped--he will always love them the most in all the world, over any other person. He did take that AlAnon book, a thin Q&A volume--I just want him to understand, not to repair the marriage, but so that he can finally SEE me, why I have reacted and acted the way I have. And maybe, just maybe, see that he is the flip side to that co-dependent coin. Maybe someday. But I have moved so far past him--he doesn't even think he needs therapy or reflection at this point! And it doesn't seem like we really knew each other very well at all. Amazing to come to that conclusion after over 20 years...
The other part of my grief is missing the family unit, the stability, the comfort I had in knowing he was there for me and the kids...the kids. I hurt for them the most, now, I think. To be in the world as two parents, two kids, together. It was the one thing we were best at.
All that, and I have still let him go. I wish I didn't have to interact with him at all. But next Tues is the family therapy, and the week after is the collaborative D meeting. I know that there will be people there to help me, and I am grateful for that. Still seems so strange to be in this place, unable to be alone with this man. He is gone from me. He still says that he doesn't want to loose me from his life; that we should take whatever level there is and hold onto it. He hasn't a clue as to what he has done, and how I don't think I can possibly do that, maybe not for a very long time. He has taken my deepest love, deeper than even for myself, and killed it. I don't see him in my future anymore. I feel more pity, more regret than any love anymore. And I don't care much what he does with his life, as long as he is good to the kids while they are with him. I won't be there to diffuse his hot temper, and that worries me a bit, but that is what the family therapy will be for.
So, the L told me last night that I will have to pay him for his share of equity in the house. That I can offset it with what I would have shared of his pension, or make smaller payments over time, or try to get together a lump sum. About $40,000. He is leaving me, has committed adultery, and I have to pay him. Crazy world, but whatever. I'm just collecting all the documents that the L asks for and letting her handle it. She keeps working the numbers all over the place to see what is going to get me the most money. She said at this point, I could put this out till past the holidays if I want to. I don't know if I do. I don't want to think about it anymore. If this is his only "light at the end of the tunnel," let him have it. I could probably get the rest of what she needs together tonight and get it to her office. He told me he wants me and the kids and his parents in the house. So, it should go quickly.
I go from wanting to give him a chance to think to wanting to push him out the door.
At the beginning of therapy, my IC asked me to think about what the link was between my H and my Mom. I couldn't see it at all. Now it seems so much clearer: neither of them were emotionally available to me. And when they felt threatened by me, they lashed out in the cruelest of ways--withdrawing their love for me, telling me that I was not worthy, like a light switch going on and off. Only, he didn't do it to me directly for SO many years. But it is the same.
When we were still teens, I wrote in a diary: Will I be able to be with a boy who has such a hard time talking about his feelings? I stayed with him, anyway. I hope that I can recover those instincts and wisdom from so, so long ago.
Whew, got a lot out here. Now, to my list. I am going to pick up my puppy after school, get the kids, pay my bills online, then take them to pick up something good to cook for dinner--we'll eat, then either play a board game or settle in for a movie. We'll read before bed, then I'll do my 20 minute house blessing (aka clean-up). I've been on some dating sites and have appreciated the banter, so I may check the emials. I am very upfront and just tell guys that I'm testing the waters, looking to chat. The compliments (although shallow) feel nice. I'm not an old maid, as I may have thought. Tomorrow, I have therapy while the kids are with H, then getting my nails done before they get home. I have a call-date with my friend from LI to catch up.
I'll plan more from there, but I am excited about the weekend--it is my weekend, and the kids are off from school Fri and Mon. I may be <<cough>> sick on Fri and take them someplace. If I do that, I have to let H know to have them for dinner on Thurs instead. Or, we'll just do the three days, leaving Fri night or Sat morning. We'll see :0)
So: List - check GAL - check support people - check (AlAnon, friends, therapy, my L, kids' therapy)
