Thanks, OT. Seemed to have stopped the slide. Have AlAnon meeting tonight. Stayed up later than I should have last night, and now I'm tired. But ok. Puppy was spayed and is doing well-- a lot of money, though. It will have to go on the credit card. I am spending the day today working with my colleagues, solving problems and looking for ideas for our teaching. I really LOVE my career :0) It is what I have wanted to do since I was so small...
This was the one SIL who has been supportive, so I just told her what had been going on. Everyone just feels bad, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Sometimes I think that if they had given him a harder time about his choices...but he has already shown what he is willing to give up, so it really wouldn't have done anything at all to turn him around. It doesn't do any good to look back on what could have happened, anyway. It is what it is. And that's over.
I am of two minds as of late--remembering what I had, wondering how much was real and how much was my abilitiy / defenses to not see the bad stuff, wondering why I would want him again, even if he did profess to change. He doesn't think he has changed at all--that this has always been him, just standing up for "what he deserves" more, now. He apologized for the affair, but says he doesn't regret it. Then I got the standard: "If you had only..." If I had only not put HIM through so much in the last 4 months, maybe he would have seen that he was making a mistake. Its all bullsh!t. I think I have loved him much more than he has ever been able to love me, all this time. He has said that his inner thoughts, his intimacies have "always been 95% inside his own head." He tried to accuse me of emotionally leaving the marriage first, until I reminded him that I shared as much of my heart and thoughts with him as I could, always. He then recognized that. He said we are very different people. He also told me that the day the children were born, I was usurped--he will always love them the most in all the world, over any other person. He did take that AlAnon book, a thin Q&A volume--I just want him to understand, not to repair the marriage, but so that he can finally SEE me, why I have reacted and acted the way I have. And maybe, just maybe, see that he is the flip side to that co-dependent coin. Maybe someday. But I have moved so far past him--he doesn't even think he needs therapy or reflection at this point! And it doesn't seem like we really knew each other very well at all. Amazing to come to that conclusion after over 20 years...
The other part of my grief is missing the family unit, the stability, the comfort I had in knowing he was there for me and the kids...the kids. I hurt for them the most, now, I think. To be in the world as two parents, two kids, together. It was the one thing we were best at.
All that, and I have still let him go. I wish I didn't have to interact with him at all. But next Tues is the family therapy, and the week after is the collaborative D meeting. I know that there will be people there to help me, and I am grateful for that. Still seems so strange to be in this place, unable to be alone with this man. He is gone from me. He still says that he doesn't want to loose me from his life; that we should take whatever level there is and hold onto it. He hasn't a clue as to what he has done, and how I don't think I can possibly do that, maybe not for a very long time. He has taken my deepest love, deeper than even for myself, and killed it. I don't see him in my future anymore. I feel more pity, more regret than any love anymore. And I don't care much what he does with his life, as long as he is good to the kids while they are with him. I won't be there to diffuse his hot temper, and that worries me a bit, but that is what the family therapy will be for.
So, the L told me last night that I will have to pay him for his share of equity in the house. That I can offset it with what I would have shared of his pension, or make smaller payments over time, or try to get together a lump sum. About $40,000. He is leaving me, has committed adultery, and I have to pay him. Crazy world, but whatever. I'm just collecting all the documents that the L asks for and letting her handle it. She keeps working the numbers all over the place to see what is going to get me the most money. She said at this point, I could put this out till past the holidays if I want to. I don't know if I do. I don't want to think about it anymore. If this is his only "light at the end of the tunnel," let him have it. I could probably get the rest of what she needs together tonight and get it to her office. He told me he wants me and the kids and his parents in the house. So, it should go quickly.
I go from wanting to give him a chance to think to wanting to push him out the door.
At the beginning of therapy, my IC asked me to think about what the link was between my H and my Mom. I couldn't see it at all. Now it seems so much clearer: neither of them were emotionally available to me. And when they felt threatened by me, they lashed out in the cruelest of ways--withdrawing their love for me, telling me that I was not worthy, like a light switch going on and off. Only, he didn't do it to me directly for SO many years. But it is the same.
When we were still teens, I wrote in a diary: Will I be able to be with a boy who has such a hard time talking about his feelings? I stayed with him, anyway. I hope that I can recover those instincts and wisdom from so, so long ago.
Whew, got a lot out here. Now, to my list. I am going to pick up my puppy after school, get the kids, pay my bills online, then take them to pick up something good to cook for dinner--we'll eat, then either play a board game or settle in for a movie. We'll read before bed, then I'll do my 20 minute house blessing (aka clean-up). I've been on some dating sites and have appreciated the banter, so I may check the emials. I am very upfront and just tell guys that I'm testing the waters, looking to chat. The compliments (although shallow) feel nice. I'm not an old maid, as I may have thought. Tomorrow, I have therapy while the kids are with H, then getting my nails done before they get home. I have a call-date with my friend from LI to catch up.
I'll plan more from there, but I am excited about the weekend--it is my weekend, and the kids are off from school Fri and Mon. I may be <<cough>> sick on Fri and take them someplace. If I do that, I have to let H know to have them for dinner on Thurs instead. Or, we'll just do the three days, leaving Fri night or Sat morning. We'll see :0)
So: List - check GAL - check support people - check (AlAnon, friends, therapy, my L, kids' therapy)
