Why won’t he tell me where he is living? He told d6 not to tell me where he lives as well. When I told him about the mediation and that I would need his address, he said he would get a post box and give me the number.
To start with I didn’t think it was anything to do with ‘new girlie’ and more to do with just hurting me by keeping it secret. Now I’m becoming more and more convinced that he has moved in with her (or the other way around). But she has a little boy and I'm sure d6 would have mentioned this by now if they were living there (unless her son was spending the weekend with _his_ dad).
Why do I want to know? Do I even need to know? Well, if d6 is going to be staying with him every second weekend (only one successful weekend so far), don’t I have a right to know?
Hi Casey, Yes, you definitely have a right to now where he's living, esp since your d will be there part of the time. I'm guessing that he's living with someone that he knows you wouldn't approve of (not necessarily an OW) or that he's embarrassed about the size/location/condition of the new place.
Maybe you could say something to him like "I know that you need your space and as part of that you don't want me to know where you're living, but I don't feel comfortable about not knowing where d will be when she's with you. Maybe I'm being an overprotective mom, but if she's going to be spending time at your place, I need to know where it is."
I need to rehearse ways of asking him that don't reveal:
-that I think he is doing this as a way to control me -that I think this is turning into some sort of sick competition -that I feel it's unfair that he has full access to our house and I don't even know where his is -that he's doing this to hurt me as he should surely know I would want to know where he lives -that he thinks I'm going to stalk him -that he is living with new girlie or at the very least doesn't want me rocking up unexpectedly to his place when his new girl is there and creating a scene. (Hey I could go to his workplace if I wanted to do that!)
I feel a bit guilty that the reasons I want to know are not just confined to knowing where our daughter is when she is with him (he will likely counter this with, "don't you trust me?"). I feel a bit childish about wanting to know. I have done my own 180 on this and not asked him about it about three weeks - I thought I could hold out and he would tell me in his own time. And he still might do that, but can I hold out for another fortnight (which is when dd is supposed to be with him again) without asking and if he still hasn't told me by then I'm worried I'll erupt into 'demanding to know' mode.
When and if I do ask him what his address is, if for some reason he just hasn't thought it important to tell me, should I reveal the sorts of thoughts I've been having to try and understand why he hasn't told me? (eg living with the new girlie, worried about me coming around unannounced etc).
On the flip side, would it be more justified to tell him what sort of thoughts are going through my head if he refuses to tell me where he is living?
Or should I just ask a simple question - "Please may I have your address."
He'll ask "why"
I'll say "because I think it is reasonable to know where my husband is living, particularly for when d6 is staying with you"
I think he'll say "what's the problem?"
then it'll start degenerating. My paranoia about why he isn't telling me will start to come out and he will feel attacked. He will defend and counter and distract me from the issue which I think is that he is hiding yet more stuff from me and also using this as a method of control/manipulation so he can have 'one over on me'.
I should point out that last Sunday, he got physical with me because he thought I was undermining his relationship with d6 and preventing him from spending time with her (because I took her to the beach after I told him that he couldn't take her to the beach adn that I wanted her home) and I called the police.
I just am not comfortable with posting the whole lot here at the moment. I just want him out of my life (but not d's) at the moment but I'm not sure if that's a permanent feeling or still shock at what has gone on.
I may post a summary later on. I think for now, I need to stop ruminating on it. I took d to her counsellor yesterday and I have an appointment with a new individual counsellor on Monday, so I just need to breathe and just be.....
Or should I just ask a simple question - "Please may I have your address."
He'll ask "why"
I'll say "because I think it is reasonable to know where my husband is living, particularly for when d6 is staying with you"
I think he'll say "what's the problem?"
then it'll start degenerating. My paranoia about why he isn't telling me will start to come out and he will feel attacked. He will defend and counter and distract me from the issue which I think is that he is hiding yet more stuff from me and also using this as a method of control/manipulation so he can have 'one over on me'.
I realised I was wasting a lot of my energy trying to anticipate what my W would or would not say in any discussion. My W hasn't come back yet, but I really do not do that anymore and I feel a lot less stressed.
If you genuinely want the address for any emergency and not for any reason to keep tabs on H, what if you said something like: "In case of any emergency when D6 is staying with you, could I please have your address?" He may surprise you, he may not. Whatever the answer is....I would stop at that point. He will probably expect the downward spiral in discussion as well, but it might work if you stop it before it starts with an "OK then" or something similar (nothing sarcastic). If he hasn't already given it to you at that point he may, over a period of time, do a double-take (re-think, feel guilty, etcetera) and give it to you then.
I'd try to avoid the revealing of sorts of thoughts for now if I were you. Why not try the writing a letter method....the one where you write the letter revealing your thoughts, but you never actually give it to spouse. I did that once and was surprised to find that it worked for me.
I'm sure if you follow the pattern you demonstrate above...he will feel justified in never giving you the address.
I'm sorry to hear he got physical with you.
Me 44 W 39 M 10yrs (together 13 years) one D 8 ILYBINILWY Feb 2007 Separated - 5th September 07
Will get there in the end. Will get there in the end 2.
thanks for your reply betteroff....you do make sense. I have been journalling heaps earlier this week but it was more to get what happened down on paper so I had a record than it was for proper journalling purposes.
My sister has said essentially the same thing as you, i just really appreciate seeing different approaches written down.
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If he hasn't already given it to you at that point he may, over a period of time, do a double-take (re-think, feel guilty, etcetera) and give it to you then.
I hope you are dead on here. If I can just ask, and then be quiet and accept his answer, whatever he chooses to say, he may reconsider later on.
It's just eating me up to know why he won't give it to me. Do you think maybe he doesn't even know why?
