our un-relationship

[azhira]

A lot of this is stuff I'm just kicking around. xh and I actually had this same fight several months back...clearly, we wound up being close again. We're not very good at staying apart.

As I've said, xh is open to appropriate discussion. xh told me he had been enjoying the extra closeness, and I should have just spoken to him about all these things instead of flying off the handle and then snooping. He is right. I did handle it very, very badly.

He seemed genuinely curious about why I had this impression. He even suggested redoing our boundaries.

So, he's not being overly unreasonable. I will say JD came into the picture after we had finalized, and before we had started getting closer again.

I think the first step is to have an adult discussion on the topic...where I don't get emotional and crazy. I'm really not looking to jump back into the M, and perhaps I should clarify that. I just find the idea of him sleeping with both of us icky. Or, of him sleeping with me while saying how much he loves her and wants to be with her. Gross gross gross.

I don't intend to rush this. And I will wait and see what his reaction is to a rational conversation about it. I may not even bring it up today or tomorrow...but I think it's something that needs to be talked about. He does respond well now when I bring up issues in a non-aggressive manner.

[azhira]

So, here is what I have so far:

The other night, when you said “Maybe I have been with other people,” it really started me thinking.

While I agree that we are not in a formal or committed relationship, we have been behaving in a ‘married’ way. We spend a lot of time together—usually the entire weekend. We usually sleep in the same bed. We talk several times a day, and about very emotionally intimate things. We have traded apartment keys. We plan meals together. We often lend each other money, help each other out, and budget together. I help you with your school work, and you perform maintenance work on my cars. We occasionally have sex.

We have a child together.

To me, these are things that a married couple does. The only elements missing (besides an actual commitment) are actually saying “I love you” or cuddling—and those are things that we sometimes do, as well.

While I am not looking to date you, nor am I pushing you to change now, I am concerned that it appears I am being lied to. It would be naïve of me to believe that you have not been physically intimate with JD. After all, you have been exchanging “I love you” messages for months. There are messages alluding to “what is between you” as well as you asking her if she “still wants to be with” you. To me, these indicate more than a casual friendship. This is how someone interacts with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

From my perspective, by not labeling either relationship, you are having your cake and eating it, too. I am in the role of the wife. She is in the role of girlfriend. You get to experience the giddy fun of a new relationship, while still having someone ‘safe’ to return home to.

I do not wish to play ‘wife’ on the side while you play ‘dating couple’ with someone else. That you have not put labels on either relationship does not change how these interactions affect all of us. I have stated before that I will not be this close with you if you were to date. From my side, it appears that you are dating JD—despite your reluctance to actually call it that. That you choose not to call it that, and are open about your feelings for her, does not make it okay.

My apologies for saying this in such an accusatory and inarticulate manner the other day. Know that I love you, and always have.


I'm looking to explain my feelings without being accusatory. I'm trying to use "I" expressions and speak in terms of boundaries.

Think I'll kick it around a bit more in my head before I hand it to xh.

[Dom R]

Shorter, is usually better. you might want to cut out the whole first 2 paragraphs, and start with the "being lied to" bit.

Additionally... I think it kinda sucks that you say that you are "not looking to date you, or change him".

For starters... that's kind of an insult, given how intimately you two are enmeshed.
Beyond that though: I think that both of those clauses.. arent true.


You certainly are looking to change him, in the sense of, "you would like him to change his behaviour".

And you ARE "looking to date him". because otherwise, I dont think you would care.

Lying to him, should be just as unacceptible as him lying to you, yes?
And lying to yourself, doesnt make it excusable to lie to him, in my opinion.

[azhira]

Okay, you're right, I am lying to myself.

Ugh.

I've been kind of distant and weird the last couple of days around xh. So much so that he's noticed. He's asked me a couple of times what's wrong...I kind of pushed it off with "I'm not ready to talk yet," and "I haven't figured out how to say it yet."

Interestingly, he seems to "miss" me more. He commented this morning that he misses our lazy Sundays...where we used to reconnect, recoup, and lounge together either in bed or on the couch. (Huh. Just realized something. Note to self: come back to this later!)

I don't want to be manipulative; if I stay pulled back, I honestly want it to be because I feel that's the best thing for me, boundary-wise.

My plan is this...I'm still revising my letter. (Thank you for your input, Dom.) I think I will give him some version tonight, as he has asked again what is wrong. I don't think it's fair of me to completely shut down communication without explaining why, in non-aggressive terms...after all, that's one of my biggest complaints about his past behavior. That would make me a hypocrite, if I just expected him to 'know', especially after discussing it with several of you here.

I'm not sure exactly what I'll do after that. I suspect I won't stay pulled back for long...neither of us seems to manage it permanently. That says something about us, although I'm not sure what.

I am still considering doing the match.com thing for casual dating. I could always say: "Well, since we're not in a relationship, and you are seeing JD..." (Ok, he'd probably just deny they're involved again.)

Yeah, I really don't know what I'm going to do after talking to him. I'm really just throwing out ideas here, to see if any of them 'feel' right.

The really weird thing is...I already feel myself less mad at him. Gah. How messed up is that? Do I really just not care?

Have I been doing this so long it doesn't really phase me any longer? Am I just scared of letting him go? Or do I really believe, deep down, that somehow this will work itself out with enough time and effort? (Yes, at least somewhat, to that one.)

And why can't I seem to stay mad about this?? I know he's still sending her ILY messages. Probably texted her today. Is it because I don't really believe this thing between them is permanent? I know that's part of it. She's still married...I know how these things work...

Am I just in willful denial? Or just plain obsessive? (Yeah, I don't think that's it.)

Just in a weird mood today. Throwing thoughts around, just trying to clear my head.

[azhira]

Oh, forgot to add...

When D and I were hanging out last night, she mentioned xh was really worried about me while I was sick on Sunday. I probably had a bout of food poisoning, and had insisted xh take the kiddo. I spent most of the day, laying outside the bathroom on the floor, basically trying not to move or blink lest I go running back to the toilet.

Anyway. Apparently, xh called me several times. I didn't answer because, quite frankly, I was afraid if I even thought about moving...I would vomit again. D told me last night that he got incredibly worried because I wasn't answering my phone, and insisted they come by to check on me.

One of the things that's bothered me the last few years, was I had felt xh paid more attention or appeared more concerned about his other (women) friends than me. Perhaps this assumption on my part has been incorrect.

[Dom R]

here's the thing.

you miss him.

he misses you (that's GREAT! you're so lucky!!!)

After a year of positive living life together... maybe it's time to tell him that.

Tell him that you'd like to "connecting together".
Remind him, that in the normal world (as opposed to his odd universe ) that is usually considered "what boyfriends and girlfriends do".

So, you would like him to treat you like a public girlfriend, rather than a closet girlfriend. and stop treating other people like one. you want to be his ONLY "girlfriend."

Yes, that DOES mean changing his behaviour with others.
Ideally, it will mean that he completely stops seeing those other tarts.

Yes, he's going to miss them.
but if he enjoys being with you as much as he says he does, then he should be able to choose being with you, as someone that makes him happier. rather than a fake romantic fantasy fling

You had a really nice way of putting what you said, in your first draft. maybe you can come up with a good way of putting this in your own words, that he will find appealing.

[Dom R]

PS: I dont think this will "allw ork out on its own".
i think he will keep doing exactly what he is doing right now, until you tell hiim it isnt ok any more.

why would HE ever choose to change it?

[DaveJ]

I don't think it's unnatural for him to "miss you" consider how close you two are right now emotionally. The more you pull back, the more he will feel the void between the two of you and wants to be closer to you. On the other hand if you pursue then he'll probably run the other way. It's just a matter of balance in this situation. It's probably even typical in a relationship, maybe not as drastic perhaps?

[azhira]

Some days, I wish I could just smack him upside the head and go, you idiot! lol Obviously, that doesn't work...

Second draft:

The other night, when you said “Maybe I have been with other people,” it really started me thinking.

We have been behaving in a ‘married’ way. We spend a lot of time together—usually the entire weekend. We usually sleep in the same bed. We talk several times a day, and about very emotionally intimate things. We have traded apartment keys. We plan meals together. We often lend each other money, help each other out, and budget together. I help you with your school work, and you perform maintenance work on my cars. We occasionally have sex.

We have a child together.

To me, these are things that a married couple does. The only elements missing (besides an actual commitment) are saying “I love you” or cuddling—and those are things that we sometimes do, as well. Long term romantic relationships often can feel like a deep friendship.

I am concerned that it appears I am being lied to. It would be naïve of me to believe that you have not been physically intimate with JD. After all, you have been exchanging “I love you” messages for months. There are messages alluding to “what is between you” as well as you asking her if she “still wants to be with” you. To me, these indicate more than a casual friendship. This is how someone interacts with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

From my perspective, by not labeling either relationship, you are having your cake and eating it, too. I am in the role of the wife. She is in the role of girlfriend. You get to experience the giddy fun of a new relationship, while still having someone ‘safe’ to return home to.

I do not wish to play ‘wife’ on the side while you play ‘dating couple’ with someone else. I will not be physically intimate with someone who is being physically intimate with someone else. That you have not put labels on either relationship does not change how these interactions affect all of us. I have stated before that I will not be this close with you if you were to date. From my side, it appears that you are dating JD—despite your reluctance to actually call it that. That you choose not to call it that, and are open about your feelings for her, does not make it okay.

The past several months have been beautiful. I enjoy spending time with you—it’s easy, it’s fun, and we are a great family. You have told me that you have enjoyed this time, as well. We have been reconnecting in a lovely way, and I would like to get closer to you again.

However, it’s not something I can do while you are playing single guy. In essence we are back in the game where I am your ‘secret’ girlfriend, while you continue to go out and live your single life. This is not something I can continue with. As we have talk about before, there were times in our past relationship where I wished I had been stronger, and had kept more healthy boundaries for myself. This feels like one of those times.

Please understand that this is not about you wanting to date whomever. This is about what are and are not appropriate friendships, relationships, and boundaries for me. My apologies for saying this in such an accusatory and inarticulate manner the other day.


ETA: Whoops, left her real name in. Had to replace it.

[Dom R]

The last paragraph was odd/unclear.

"Please understand that this is not about you wanting to date whomever. "


you're probably attempting to say, "i'm not trying to control you".

dont bother.

The previous paragraph seems almost like a good way to end it to me. Just maybe one final sentance or two along the lines of, "you are an adult... you control yourself, and your choices.
My choice for me, is that I do not wish to continue our relationship as it currently stands. I wish to have a better one for me, with you.