Separated, 2 months, need help applying DB

[lost_jj_14]

Hello everyone,

I've been separated from my husband for 2 months now, and I'm desperately afraid I will be getting a divorce in December. I don't know what to do here, and I'm confused on how to apply the DB principles I've read about. I bought DB and DR, but.... not sure what to do here.

To start at the beginning, my husband tells me in June that he's been having an affair. Basically expecting me to tell him to get out of my house and that I want a divorce. Instead to his shock (and mine) I tell him I want to try and work things out, and go to therapy. He agrees, although he doesn't think things will work out. I set up a therapy appointment, I found a therapist online that was marriage oriented, Imago certified, and local. 3 days later from the first bomb, he tells me that he doesn't want things to work out with me, and that he wants to try and make things work out with the OW. Apparently she had broken up with him and moved away, but he wants to make things work with her. I'm devastated, do all the wrong things of begging and crying, and I move home to my mom's. As I leave, I say 'i don't want to see you at all until the therapy appointment, but I think we should at least go to that before we end it all.'

The next couple of days are incredibly awful for me. During that time H contacts OW and tries to get back together with her, but she blows him off. He decides he wants to make things work out, and calls me, saying he saw OW and relationship for what it is now, and he wants to make things work out with us. This is basically the day before therapy.

We go into therapy, we start working on the relationship. I move back home after a week. Things are going great, and we're really open with each other about what has made the other unhappy, all secrets laid out, etc. Then therapy starts focusing on avoiding repeat episodes of infidelity, and H starts getting angry about things. Basically he says he always has had closer relationships with women, and that now he can't be good friends with women anymore. From this point on, I can feel him start to withdraw away from me.

A month later, he says in therapy he's not sure if he wants to be married at all, and our therapist suggests a 'controlled separation.' Oh, I should also mention H really didn't date much before me, and was sexually inexperienced as well. I h ave been putting trust in the therapist the whole time, so I agree to the CS. In my head I think 'when I moved out for a week, he begged me to come home, so this will not last.'

Guess I was wrong. Now H is 99% sure that he wants a divorce, and is 'waiting for some sign that he wants to try and stay faithful to me.' He also is basically going through a MLC (except he's 29), big wardrobe change, etc. All his friends are freaked out by his behavior, most know about what we are going through and can't believe him, H is just one of those 'captain good' types who would never behave like this.

Therapist says to have no contact with H, who would like to see me, because he 'wants to stay friends, and always wants me as part of his life' which I'm sorry, I just can't do emotionally, and I have told him this.

The first month of the separation, therapist said call him 1st week, see him in 2 weeks, and I was tring the LRT. I went on some trips, I hung out with friends I hadn't seen in a long time. The phone call lasted forever even though we were supposed to keep it brief, we just had a lot to talk about. I ended the phone call on my terms. He seemed very sad. Then we went on the date. That went great once we relaxed some, I regrettably was intimate with him, and then at the end of the date, we started talking a little bit about relationship stuff and he tells me how he is pretty sure he wants a divorce. Again, I'm devastated, and do stuff I know I shouldn't have done now, like talk to him and try and convince him why he should stay, why things can work out.

At this point, I don't want to continue seeing him, I'm so angry at him. Therapist says not to see him until next therapy session, which is in 3 weeks. We have a mutual friend's birthday party to attend, and I ask if it would be ok for me to go, she says yes, but just don't talk to him, make it as if you are casual friends.

H is notified by a friend that I'm coming to the party, and he says he feels like he can't go to the party since we aren't supposed to see each other, and calls me to ask about it. He's very emoitonal in this phone call, and I am not. I explain that its fine for us to both be there as casual friends. He is upset and feels like no one wants him to be at the party, and that Sarah doesn't want him there. I am calm, try and say i can't speak to that, but other then that offer no emotional support. He says that he thinks that I don't want to be his friend anymore. I say that I haven't given up on him yet.

We go to the party, separately, and I look great (if i do say so myself ) I talk with other people, have a good time etc. My friends tell me H can't keep his eyes off me, and the whole time he keeps trying to engage me in converstation, which I usually say a little something, and then move on to another group of people.

After that night, he starts contacting me, through emails to see if we can hang out. 'Just as friends' he stresses. I turn down some, and go to some. I'm really optimistic. It seemed like the LRT worked really well. We are talking and enjoying each others company well.

Therapy comes, and when we go there its the same thing over again. '99% sure I want a divorce' and 'waiting for some sign that we should be together.' I said I didn't understand why he was hanging out with me and contacting me. He is confused and says 'i thought it was ok for us to hang out as casual friends.' Apparently misunderstood the thing about the party and applied to any interaction. Basically hearing what he wants to hear, because that's exactly what he wants, to have me around as a friend and be able to date. Oh and flirt with me like crazy when he sees me.

I should also add that he's not talking to friends or family about what's going on, and is working almost every hour of the day to avoid dealing with the problems. Literally works 8 am to 11 at night, and is like this on weekends as well. Therapist says well you didn't do the separation right last time. This time REALLY stay separate. I have had no contact at all for a month. Is this the right thing to do? I'm beginning to doubt my therapist. I feel like we got rushed into the separation. H said the same thing when he was moving out, but he also said he thought it was the right thing to do.

I am at a loss on what to do. I'm sorry this was so long, just wanted to get it all out there. I don't know how to apply any of the principles when we aren't seeing each other, and i don't know how this will make things work out for us. I think therapist is keeping us separate because its such an emotional roller coaster for me. We have no kids, so when its no contact its NO CONTACT at all. I just don't know what to do. We're both 29, and have been married 3 years, together for 8.

[Wtraveler]

I couldn't help to read your situation, my husband is also 29 although he has not have an affair he left a month ago and I he also said is the right thing to do. He said he cares about me but not in that way anymore. He doesn't wan to come back, he sais why put himself in that situation again?

[fish]

I know this contradicts a lot of stuff on the board, but at 29 with no children, you are too young to be dealing with this guy's bullsh*t.

Get a divorce attorney and move on. This may actually force his hand.

Unfortunately, for me, I am 43 with a 6 year old and facing my second divorce. My wife has become obsessed with her career and gives minimal attention to my child and I. We are working on things, but it is not going well.

My first divorce was a piece of cake. I was 30 with no kids. Best thing i ever did.

This one is different. Kid changes everything!

[mkultra]

Have you read some of the articles on the Mid Life Crisis page. It is astounding to see how these patterns are phases that the walk away spouse must go through. iT has actually helped me to read everything I can find on infidelity and separation and MLC. I feel like I am in Master's program! One thing that you mentioned is your H's past behavior. My H was also a Goody Two Shoes type who was sexually inexperienced. One of his many draws. I felt very safe with a man like this, with a man who seemed loyal forever, as though cheating was never to be in his DNA. Then I realized he is just as likely to cheat as any other man, why not. Sexually inexpeience made him more insecure and more willing to prove his manhood with a weaker, younger woman. That is cliche but true. His kindness and fidelity meant that once he betrayed me, he could no longer go back to his regualar life so my H drowned himself in his affair, transitional friend and work. He eschewed all that he knew from before. I have heard of good men, ministers, upstanding citizens doing this, falling from grace. Everyone expects the lech the rock star, the bully, the drunk, the jock to do thses things, but not my H. Complete disillusionment.

It sounds like you are actualy doing well in DB. You have not doen anything to help prolong his affair, you have gone out with friends and you are getting a life, he can see that. You continue to be beautiful and your home path remains safe but with boundaries. he is messed up and young. Know you will be fine either way. Either you get a better man to come back home after much openess and therapy or you get a new man knowing what you know about nurturing a new R. I know that is also against DB principles but we cannot control others. Keep up the good work and know you are not alone!

[cat03]

My H was also a Goody Two Shoes type who was sexually inexperienced. One of his many draws. I felt very safe with a man like this, with a man who seemed loyal forever, as though cheating was never to be in his DNA. Then I realized he is just as likely to cheat as any other man, why not. Sexually inexpeience made him more insecure and more willing to prove his manhood... His kindness and fidelity meant that once he betrayed me, he could no longer go back to his regualar life so my H drowned himself in his affair, transitional friend and work. He eschewed all that he knew from before... but not my H. Complete disillusionment.
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MK, I am speachless , it's like your are describing my H. When he fell off grace..oh boy, he fell BIG TIME with a big bang. You have put into words something that has always puzzed me.

lost14, about the "'waiting for some sign that he wants to try and stay faithful to me" I got that BS too, H and I went out on our anniversary while separated (2yrs ago) and he also wanted either fate or some emotional faery to let him know he should come back with me. BS, total BS, they just want things to be easy.
My also fell into MLC at 29, whole wardrobe thing, drinking (he wouldn't even drink wine before!) swearing, and the person who didn't want me to put 10$ on a credit card ended up with a couple of thousand dollars in debt.

Yea, I say MLC. And you should see your own T because being in limbo sickens the soul, see one every week to help you deal with the T hon.

[lost_jj_14]

Thanks for all the replies... I guess I'm really concerned because my T has been suggesting that we both see other people. I'm sure she'll bring it up in December when our separation is supposed to 'end' -- I'm sure it won't end, it will either be 'I need more time' or 'I am sure its over' And she's already told me if H says he hasn't really thought much about what he wants that she's going to say I shouldn't see him at all besides therapy. We haven't been on a date together since the last T session which was a month ago.

I'm just worried this is going to cause more problems. Am I wrong? Should I go along with my T? Any experienced MLC survivors want to put in their 2c? I read the boards extensively today, and was AMAZED at how idenitcal the experiences all are (and match mine) I'm hopefull that he's in the 'withdrawl phase' and has been going through this MLC for about 2 years .. it seems he's in withdrawl, although it might be depression, and of course he can always bounce around the stages. Reading was a huge help, I feel infinitely better then I did before reading the MLC forums.

I guess the bottom line is I'm not totally convinced that spending less time (no dates, no communication until December) with H is the best way to go... thoughts? BTW I am in NC, so filing is not an option for another year, minus the 3 months of separation.

[cat03]

Wow, I'm afraid your T is a quack, she actually said it would be good to see other people?? WTH??? find a new T and soon, I thought the long intervals where bad to begin with but, wow, the "seing other people" really confirms that your T is overpaid.

You need a new one, and MC if your H is still willing should be weekly. I got the best MC in the world, he is a pastoral councelor and I thank God for his insight (just came from a session btw) Always goal oriented and soft spoken, hope you find a good T hon)))

[lost_jj_14]

well she says he wont' be able to get over his issues about not dating enough without experiencing dating on his own terms --ie he has some fantasy idea in his head and getting out there and seeing reality will break that. And she also says that it will make me appear more desireable because a lot of men will get jealous when they see their SO dating someone new.

Also at this stage I'm really hesitant to switch MC, because H is so ready to bolt.

[cat03]

And what if he is infatuated by someone else and decides he's found "the one"?

And are you willing to date while you are still legally married?

I still think your T is worthless, but that's my opinion. I changed of Ts 2times, told my H that I didnt' see progress with one and he didnt' have a problem going to another one.

[lost_jj_14]

I agree, but on the other hand if he leaves either way... its definitely confusing. I'm going to see how counseling goes next week, and probably start seeing a second opinion counselor after that.