I've been kind of distant and weird the last couple of days around xh. So much so that he's noticed. He's asked me a couple of times what's wrong...I kind of pushed it off with "I'm not ready to talk yet," and "I haven't figured out how to say it yet."
Interestingly, he seems to "miss" me more. He commented this morning that he misses our lazy Sundays...where we used to reconnect, recoup, and lounge together either in bed or on the couch. (Huh. Just realized something. Note to self: come back to this later!)
I don't want to be manipulative; if I stay pulled back, I honestly want it to be because I feel that's the best thing for me, boundary-wise.
My plan is this...I'm still revising my letter. (Thank you for your input, Dom.) I think I will give him some version tonight, as he has asked again what is wrong. I don't think it's fair of me to completely shut down communication without explaining why, in non-aggressive terms...after all, that's one of my biggest complaints about his past behavior. That would make me a hypocrite, if I just expected him to 'know', especially after discussing it with several of you here.
I'm not sure exactly what I'll do after that. I suspect I won't stay pulled back for long...neither of us seems to manage it permanently. That says something about us, although I'm not sure what.
I am still considering doing the match.com thing for casual dating. I could always say: "Well, since we're not in a relationship, and you are seeing JD..." (Ok, he'd probably just deny they're involved again.)
Yeah, I really don't know what I'm going to do after talking to him. I'm really just throwing out ideas here, to see if any of them 'feel' right.
The really weird thing is...I already feel myself less mad at him. Gah. How messed up is that? Do I really just not care?
Have I been doing this so long it doesn't really phase me any longer? Am I just scared of letting him go? Or do I really believe, deep down, that somehow this will work itself out with enough time and effort? (Yes, at least somewhat, to that one.)
And why can't I seem to stay mad about this?? I know he's still sending her ILY messages. Probably texted her today. Is it because I don't really believe this thing between them is permanent? I know that's part of it. She's still married...I know how these things work...
Am I just in willful denial? Or just plain obsessive? (Yeah, I don't think that's it.)
Just in a weird mood today. Throwing thoughts around, just trying to clear my head.
(Ok, he'd probably just deny they're involved again.)
