Hello fellow comrades! This is my new thread. My last was called When To Move Back in Together? God has begun the miracle of reconciliation in our marriage. The feeling of relief I have is actually shocking. I often have to pinch myself to believe all the goodness that has been surfacing.
A recap: My H of 8 years had an intensely emotinal and sexual affair with his coworker that lasted abut 6 months. I was pregnant and then gave birth to our third daughter during that time. He tried to leave us, even started filing, but couldnt go through with it. Due to his yo yoing and lying I moved out with our girls and we were separated for six months.
He started with a very lukewarm desire to work on our dead marriage, seeing no hope that we would be happy together. He insisted on moving back in a month ago. I reluctantly agreed. We went to a Retrouvaille meeting a couple of weeks ago. SInce he moved in things have been gradually warming between us. SInce Retrouvaille, we have begun to unpack our twisted up, painful emotions. We now both have a lot of optimism and definately want to stay married.
So, it was the year of HELL. Now, the sun is rising. Rising slowly, thawing the frost between us. We are officially healing, together!
Still dealing with keeping a positive outlook and choosing to see the best in my H. Still struggling with forgiving the OW. My default mode seems to be Acting As If. On bad days I wonder if my H will ever love me or treat me with the same kind of passion he treated OW. I feel humiliated and marginalized. I fear that I will make all this effort at rebuilding only to find myself married to a man who treats me terribly.
We have been fooling around, but our sexual intimacy is still an enormous sore spot. I have some large insecurities now regarding my body. I constantly compare myself to the OW, as I know that my H found her really attractive. She and I are about the same size, but I have had three babies. I contemplate plastic surgery.
Otherwise, my H has been very kind, quite humble, helpful and really great with our girls. He tells me that his poor treatment of me was his effort to push me away so he could leave. He cared for me, and that is why he had to create misery between us. He saw leaving me as a way to escape from years of frustrating dynamics, including feeling inadequate and judged. He also missed having an exciting sexual life. Tragically, it was always me who asked him for more sex. But he just wasnt attracted to me anymore. So when the opportunity presented itself, he went for it. That hurts me deeply, of course.
Some thoughts on Retrouvaille. We were both really impressed. It could be described as structured, peaceful emotional analysis. It is not gimmicky at all. Seeing a therapist would never have benefitted us like Retrouvaille has. To anyone ready to file, I would say: tell your spouse they are free to file after the weekend. It is a perfect last resort effort. The reason it is so effective is that they create an atmosphere where both spouses are equal; each are required to be authentic. Each have to listen intently. You also feel like you are dong something new, not rehashing the same old arguments.
The great thing about Micheles techniques is that they are easier to do as my marriage improves. When I was being treated like garbage it was an excercise in faith Acting As If, doing a 180, LRT, and keeping a PMA through extreme heartache. But now it feels easier. It actually works! I would add: it is only the spirit of God that ultimately turned my H around, so that is where I have fixed my hope. Micheles advice is more about me, and what I can do.
Im feeling great, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 11 yrs (7th year was HELL) 3 daughters Survived Affair, 6 month separation Rebuilt marriage Currently stuck
Thanks for posting your thoughts on Retro. That gives me a bit of hope. We are going next weekend. The W is adamant that she is done and has no desire to work on the M. She is only going so we can work on our communication for the kids. Hopefully she'll receive some hope there and at least let some of her walls down....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Grrr...I just wrote this fabulous post and baby hit a button and it's gone! Let's see if I can remember it...
I'm so glad to see you back Girl, and thrilled that your Retro weekend was such a success!
I'm sure that men experience this too, but I think we as women naturally tend to compare ourselves to others and it can be particularly devastating in our sitches.
When I confronted H about his A (in a hotel room with OW), I was three months post-partum, and while I don't believe I was freakishly unattractive, neither was I in my prime. It felt like a knife in my gut to see that OW was very petite and athletic in build. Not beautiful, but cute and fit. This was a huge source of pain for me. Blech.
Anyway, this was a big hit to my self-esteem of course, and I finally decided that only *I* could do anything about it. I figured out how much time I could realistically give to a fitness routine (you know how it is with three little ones) and just started. It's been over a year now, and I can honestly say that the first twenty minutes of my day, 6 days a week, are just for ME. They have benefitted me in so many ways beyond just losing the weight--I am stronger physically and emotionally.
As I started feeling better and more confident about myself, I became more attractive to my H. I also felt exponentially more attractive.
As far as comparisons to the OW, at some point you have to make the choice that you will no longer allow her to have a presence in your life. When the comparisons pop in your head--don't indulge them. Shift your thoughts to *your* strengths and what you want. Use those natural thoughts as a springboard to building yourself up. And don't forget, the nature of comparing generally involves looking at your worst qualities in relation to her 'best' attributes. She's got nothing on you, really.
I don't have time right now to respond to everything, as I'm at work. BUT, if you are thinking about plastic surgery b/c you are constantly comparing yourself to OW AND you just had a baby????? I would say you definitely have some issues there that you need to work out.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
my H said to me the time I found out he was seing the same woman from the first A "we dont' have chemistry' BS!! WE DID, the hot and bubbling fire... back when we were dating and we were carefree and couldn't keep our hands off each other. It evolved into a sweet love making as the years went by. That chemistry is present on As because they are all fantasy, they are a mirage and when reality sets in and real life shows up with responsabilities and boundaries, it is gone and the person is left with the reality of having broken a marriage that could've been saved.
I too used to compare myself like crazy, (even today, ha ha, I actually deleted some picts of naked ow I had just in case I had to blackmail her LOL, but I will never fall that deep) and I'm too a mother and dont' have the body of a 20 something, but guess what, it is MY body, I'm proud of it!! it created two beautiful gorgeous children and my H will have to accept me for who I am, EVERY inch of me. I work out, I'm in good shape, and I"m damn proud of myself.
I posted this today somewhere, but here it is again, from my treasure grove of old posts:
========================== The very nature of being the "third party" (OW or OM) instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."
====================== ---- Love yourself enough to know that you are beautiful, worthwhile, precious, caring,loving, important, sexy, loved, valued and amazing .. .... carry with you a love for yourself that helps you shine even when the world seems out to get you, be the beautiful Woman that is there underneath all the fear, underneath all the bull sh*t that has been done to you, and ABOVE someone who would ever allow herself to get involved with YOUR husband to begin with. You are better than that do not let her rob you of your happiness. Long and short of it love yourself and show him love like he never hurt you. ...be the fun, smiling person you used to be before he took your heart out and hung it to dry. I always felt as though my h tied me to the back of his truck and forgot to look back and then when he finally untied me,, I had a lot of healing to do... ......... you can do this kepp coming here for support. Love x, love and love some more, allow him to grow and become the man he needs to be for you and most of all for himself.
I can go to bed at nite knowing I did everything in my Power to be the beautiful person I am and to rise above their Sh*t and still live in THE ....light. I remained faithful and worked towards my miracle. I know you can do this too. ..... for you have integrity too.
======================
As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the WAS but the blame for it's enlargment often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I just saw this thread and the good results you had at Retrouvaille. I hope that you are continuing with the Post sessions, because those are very helpful for strengthening the bonds developed at Retrouvaille. I was very impressed with your H's description of why he treated you poorly. I think that is very typical behavior, but I've never seen it explained so clearly. congratulations! You have really come a long way.
Hey all, I have really been messing up. I feel like I am just about to blow this whole thing up.
I have come to the point Michele describes about how intense feelings surface once you have stuffed for so long, and gone so long without your own needs being met.
About three times over the past couple of weeks I have become so sexually frustrated that I have caused a huge fight. At night, in bed. One time I actually told him that I am seriously considering having an affair because I am so tired of refusing my needs.
It is like a giant meteor of a need. He does not want to do anything to fill it. He says he is soul searching and feels good about all the small steps of affection we have had. He actually told me I was ruining our progress with my behavior.
I feel like he has no desire to go out of his comfort zone to meet my needs. And I have spelled them out repeatedly. I am not a hard person to please. He just refuses me, habitually. It has been this way for 8 years, even when we were first dating.
Now I am having massive, unrelenting doubt about how and if I can go on. His selfishness is so deep.
I feel like an enormoous idiot for not being able to control myself. The Girl
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 11 yrs (7th year was HELL) 3 daughters Survived Affair, 6 month separation Rebuilt marriage Currently stuck
That is a difficult one. And as a woman I don't understand it. The men in my life have all been a bit crude in describing their desire for women. In a nutshell, they all seem to agree, "turn them upside down and they all look alike." Which means that sexual attraction to any particular woman is unimportant, they are turned on by all women.
This is something that I have seen in other couples who have had a good Retrouvaille experience. They fix the communication problems that were hiding their real problems, only to find that they are faced with a serious problem that goes much deeper. I don't know if joint counseling or individual counseling for your husband is that correct thing here, but I think you have to find a way to correct this problem or deal with it forever.
You have almost certainly not gotten to conflict resolution techniques at Retrouvaille. They hold this til almost the end of the Post sessions. It is not the same as dialogue. Dialogue simply improves communication and understanding. You need the conflict resolution technique to work out real differences. Perhaps once you learn that it will help you with this problem.
