Horrible, HOPEFUL Vulnerability

[the girl]

Hello fellow comrades!
This is my new thread. My last was called When To Move Back in Together?
God has begun the miracle of reconciliation in our marriage. The feeling of relief I have is actually shocking. I often have to pinch myself to believe all the goodness that has been surfacing.

A recap: My H of 8 years had an intensely emotinal and sexual affair with his coworker that lasted abut 6 months. I was pregnant and then gave birth to our third daughter during that time. He tried to leave us, even started filing, but couldnt go through with it. Due to his yo yoing and lying I moved out with our girls and we were separated for six months.

He started with a very lukewarm desire to work on our dead marriage, seeing no hope that we would be happy together. He insisted on moving back in a month ago. I reluctantly agreed. We went to a Retrouvaille meeting a couple of weeks ago. SInce he moved in things have been gradually warming between us. SInce Retrouvaille, we have begun to unpack our twisted up, painful emotions. We now both have a lot of optimism and definately want to stay married.

So, it was the year of HELL. Now, the sun is rising. Rising slowly, thawing the frost between us. We are officially healing, together!

Still dealing with keeping a positive outlook and choosing to see the best in my H. Still struggling with forgiving the OW. My default mode seems to be Acting As If. On bad days I wonder if my H will ever love me or treat me with the same kind of passion he treated OW. I feel humiliated and marginalized. I fear that I will make all this effort at rebuilding only to find myself married to a man who treats me terribly.

We have been fooling around, but our sexual intimacy is still an enormous sore spot. I have some large insecurities now regarding my body. I constantly compare myself to the OW, as I know that my H found her really attractive. She and I are about the same size, but I have had three babies. I contemplate plastic surgery.

Otherwise, my H has been very kind, quite humble, helpful and really great with our girls. He tells me that his poor treatment of me was his effort to push me away so he could leave. He cared for me, and that is why he had to create misery between us. He saw leaving me as a way to escape from years of frustrating dynamics, including feeling inadequate and judged. He also missed having an exciting sexual life. Tragically, it was always me who asked him for more sex. But he just wasnt attracted to me anymore. So when the opportunity presented itself, he went for it. That hurts me deeply, of course.

Some thoughts on Retrouvaille. We were both really impressed. It could be described as structured, peaceful emotional analysis. It is not gimmicky at all. Seeing a therapist would never have benefitted us like Retrouvaille has. To anyone ready to file, I would say: tell your spouse they are free to file after the weekend. It is a perfect last resort effort. The reason it is so effective is that they create an atmosphere where both spouses are equal; each are required to be authentic. Each have to listen intently. You also feel like you are dong something new, not rehashing the same old arguments.

The great thing about Micheles techniques is that they are easier to do as my marriage improves. When I was being treated like garbage it was an excercise in faith Acting As If, doing a 180, LRT, and keeping a PMA through extreme heartache. But now it feels easier. It actually works! I would add: it is only the spirit of God that ultimately turned my H around, so that is where I have fixed my hope. Micheles advice is more about me, and what I can do.

Im feeling great, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?