Still trying - Not very well

[LoginName]

Hi, butting in again....
Thanks for filling me in on your sitch. That is hard, and it's not fair. Cat know a little about that kind of pain too. I comend you both for sticking it out and not giving up.

I believe the basics are still key: GAL, take care of yourself, PMA, give him space. You say you're insecure now - who wouldn't be! I think that's the first order of business, get good with yourself. Feel good about yourself again, do things for yourself, because you want to. Yes, it hurts, and he hurt you, but you're still standing, you're still strong, and you are still a worthwhile, good,valued person. His actions can't change that.

Sometimes it hurts sooo badly, and yet we are still here, still standing, still committed. And the sunrise is still beautiful, life is going on around us and much of it is good. We survived the hurt and we are surviving. It must not be as terrible as it seemed. When we feel the pain, it's awful, but it can and does pass, especially if we let it go.

Some people fall in love with the pain and the sacrifice. It makes them feel special and better than the spouse and others. True martyrs. But we can commit by choice, because it's what we want to do, for ourselves. Some people really enjoy their pain. Maybe it lets them know they are alive. There are better ways, healthier ways, to know you are alive.

Even now I would say the OW doesn't matter, not even to your H. That's one of the sad parts about an A, the OP is usually an object or tool for the adulterer to work out his or her personal issues. It's unfair to the OP, but I guess they are grown up and can take care of themselves.

I have/had a need for everyone to like me. I found myself in a situation like your H is in with an old flame from college. It's easy to spiral into trouble. I didn't want to back out, maybe she wouldn't like me anymore. I didn't want to have an A, but I thought I NEEDED her to like me, maybe so I could like myself. I found the strength to not spiral into that trap. Now that your H is in C, and is talking to you, hopefully he can back out of his trap. Unfortunately, it's something he has to do on his own, and you can't teach him, tell him, or help him much.

What you can do is make it harder for him, and yourself, or not. I vote for not making it harder. You do that by taking care of yourself, GAL, be secure, be patient, love him uncoditionally (be there if he asks for help, be kind, don't expect anything from him).

I think another key is knowing that even though you are commited to him and the M, you can survive with out it or him. You can move on if you wanted to. I think that knowing this gives you real strength and keeps your head out of the martyr game.

Too much advice?

Oh, and about commitment. My W is coming back to me. She left. I can see my sacrifices, but what about hers, and your H's. He is still there. He is still working on your R. It could be easier for him to just go. What keeps him there? He knows he is hurting you and has hurt you. He doesn't want to. Why is he still there? I think I know. I think he is committed but struggling to work things out. I think he loves you. That's no gaurentee that your M will work, but I think it's true.

Regards,