One of the things that has helped me have ANY kind of discussion with my wife about our M is asking myself if what I'm about to say is going to make things worse or make things better.
You know how your W has been feeling (at least what she has been saying). Review the things that you really WANT to say to her and ask yourself honestly how you think she is going to react.
One word of caution: The comments you will be making are going to be directed to someone "different". At one point my W was a die hard romantic. I <knew> she would respond positively to a beautiful poem that I wrote - she did not. She responded very negatively and pulled away fast (this was years ago in a prior sitch). She felt my intentions were manipulative and controlling. They were true feelings but she was not ready to receive them.
Well the only thing that I can say to make things worse is maybe asking her about her affairs. She was never truthful and always lied about being faithful to me. At this point I do not think that there is anything that I can say to save my marriage. I just plan on being nice, cheerful, talk in a soft voice with out ever raising it and I want to listen to her and what she has to say....if she even says anything to me. I am going to try and be the "good friend" who listens and cares. I know that I will be talking to an "alien" and not my W. I know that she use to like poems, and I found one the other day while I was cleaning that she wrote to me before we got married. I was going to read it to her but now im not.
Originally Posted By: lwb
Sadly, the boys are right. Your W won't be open to any 'mushy' talk, even if she liked it in the past. You will have to be open minded, be prepared to hear things from her that aren't true (a lot of these begin with "You always..." or "You never...."), and figure out how to respond. Usually its not good to respond or defend yourself except to say something like "Sorry you feel that way". That diffuses it, as she will be defensive. I wish you all the luck in the world.
I am slowly getting prepared for the worse. I know that she is confused, upset or maybe even mad at me and I know that she will try to put all of the blame on me...You didnt do this, etc. I am working on telling myself that I will not believe her, she is just trying to make it my fault so that she will not have any guilt. I am practicing saying that I will not defend myself or respond in a negative way. I will just be nice and say that if that is the way you feel, Im sorry you feel that way.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
Yeah.. this is why you need a game plan. You keep hearing us call them aliens. It's true. They will say and do things you never dreamed they would do.
Maybe your goal should be to listen and validate. Maybe you'll get some more answers as to what she is thinking/feeling. That's probably the best stance for now. Let her guide the conversation. If it's not going anywhere... small talk works. "How's school... How's work..." throws them off track and gets them talking. You'd be amazed how these "small topics" lead to bigger ones.
I do not plan on her talking a whole lot because I am the one who asked for this "talk" and I feel that she will just sit and listen to what I have to say, maybe comment but thats all I am expecting. I would love to hear or get an insight as to what she is thinking or feeling but I highly doubt that she will guide the conversation. Another thing is the small talk, the past three months she has been very short with me. So I know if I ask how is work, I will get "good" and thats it.
