Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

Just_Me, you were one I expected to reiterate your (and others') earlier advice to "lay low".

I'm still trying to figure out how all these talks happen. And, when you're together whether you do anything other than talk about your past relationship. Do you do anything to foster a new, better relationship?

As to how these talks occur, my cell phone call tally tells the story: I receive more than twice as many calls as I initiate to my XW. For sure, I'll get at least three calls from her per day--and I might miss two more, that I usually don't return. [The exception to this trend is every other weekend, when she does her long-distance "sleep-over" thing with OM. Nothing but silence from both ends then.]

The majority of her calls to me are of the "trivial" variety. She frequently asks for my help for everything from picking up our kids from school or ball practice, to sharing gossip about our XSIL (my brother's XW), or asking me for money for unexpected expenses on behalf of one of our children. Occasionally, she asks for my help on her behalf--usually to schedule a doctor appointment or get a Rx refilled for her. Still other times, she asks me to come discipline our S12, or help him or D17 with some last-minute assignment they have put off for school.

As to past relationship: we don't usually discuss it much. I make a rule never to bring it up, and she doesn't seem particularly interested in reliving old times. [That has bothered me lately; she has dozens of photo albums that she used to be diligent about keeping up to date. Now, she doesn't seem the least bit interested in reliving past fond memories. When I helped her move this summer, I found our wedding photos and a video. To my surprise and disappointment, she moved them to her new storage building without so much as a peek. She has always relished those look-backs, up until about 3 years ago. But I don't know what she feels when she reminisces now. She is good about ordering the kids' school and sports photos--but nothing with me included.]

...After a certain point, if all you have to talk about is your failing and your forgiveness (and seeking forgiveness), it just gets old.

It was only after I got Michelle's newsletter (which included an old article she had written about Forgiveness) that I decided to take a shot on writing XW a letter. I tend to 'beat myself up' relentlessly about my failures as a husband--especially since so many of my mistakes are obvious now, in helpless hindsight. I also have a hard time getting past being dumped on by my XW, the most recent incident costing me $3500 and a bogus "spousal abuse" charge. So, I asked her to sign a proposal which absolved each other from all our "dirty laundry". [XW loves to read 1 Corinthians 13, but she can't seem to master the end of verse 5: "...(Love) keeps no record of wrongs."]

As far as this other guy goes, I can't judge whether you are a better catch. He maybe offers things that you don't. And I don't know what you have done to SHOW your xw that you are a catch. He might not be right, but she still might not see you as an alternative.

Just_Me, there is absolutely no way for me to come to an objective answer to your question. I'll acknowledge that he could be who my XW is looking for. Yet I have to rely upon his words & deeds, and the reaction of my XW to discovering that he had, at the very least, been intentionally misleading her.

I have evidence that OM violated the Rules of Professional Conduct of the Alabama Bar Association by giving my XW detailed legal advice with the sole intention of removing me (his romantic rival) from her life. One of the best divorce attorneys in Huntsville concurs, and has encouraged me to proceed with a complaint against him.

I'll let your comment pass without offense, when you state that you "can't judge whether (I am) a better catch." Consider: aside from his questionable professional ethics, he has demonstrated dishonesty and disrespect to my XW. I don't know how he did it, but within 3 weeks of responding to a personal ad (which stipulated a "Christian gentlemen, clean lifestyle, respects single women and their children"), he had my XW spending a long weekend out of town with him.

I became involved at that point, not as a result of my anger or jealousy, but because our kids were left alone for almost 5 days. Their Mom lied to them, me, and her father about her whereabouts. I was asked to help my XSIL track down my XW by providing her clues from my XW's phone's caller ID.

Anyway, despite being "swept off her feet", my XW has cooled her passions for OM recently. She found his "MySpace.com" site, which conveniently ignored all mention of my XW--and specified that OM was looking for a serious relationship. (This was all created by OM after he took advantage of a lady who trusted him implicitly.)

I'll repeat here the reasons why I believe--and strongly suspect that my XW will concur (at least in part) that I come in ahead of OM. That's not to say, of course, that my "charms" are sufficient on their own to attract her back to me. I just see myself winning this particular two-man race, is all.

No one she will ever meet will have my unique qualifications:
1. Has known my XW as best friend, lover, partner and provider for twenty years;
2. Was happily married to XW for at least 15 years;
3. Is the biological father to XW's children;
4. Is absolutely committed to bringing about the best life possible for XW and our kids;
5. Is determined to fulfill the God-given role as spiritual leader for my family;
6. Is intimately aware of extremely private circumstances in XW's childhood which effect her emotionally on a daily basis;
7. Has sworn before God to love XW unconditionally "as long as we both shall live".

People do what they feel is in their own best interest, sometimes when it isn't. She has to follow the path she is on herself. I still get a controlling feel from you...like you offer unsolicited advice. Hopefully that's just me reading into things.

In all honesty, you are at least partially right here. For example, my XW's laptop is set-up in our S12's bedroom. She'll stay up late doing her single-woman things, but our son sometimes can't sleep because of the glare and typing. So, last night he sat up to look over her shoulder as she worked. He told XW that he knew she had been lying to him about where she disappeared to on the weekends. (Apparently, he read a message from OM, planning for XW to meet him in a local hotel here in the next couple months.)

That conversation quickly escalated into a screaming match about her privacy vs. his "need to know". I had already advised S12 against bringing up Mom's dating in his remarks to her. But, he doesn't buy her argument that she can date anyone she wants, anywhere she wants--including marrying him without so much as introducing the guy to our children. She told our son that it was "no business of his", even if she decided upon an inter-racial marriage.

I have a lot of trouble with her reasoning, because she endured an unhappy, traumatic childhood--due primarily to her father making an extremely poor choice in his second marriage. XW's stepmother continues to emotionally abuse XW and her brother to this day. XW's older step-brother sexually assaulted her in the sickest ways imaginable for more than 6 years, while she cowered in petrified silence. My XFIL chose to deal with the whole perverted mess by becoming a work-a-holic, and by choosing to remain in denial about his own kid's scarred psyches (and bodies) to this day!

So, I'm taking a long shot in the dark here; but, I have gone through hell with & for my XW to protect her from a rotten "blended family". I might have failed in that regard--but I'm the one my XW calls on to this very day when she needs anything. Fat chance her lawyer/lover will last long in that "Family Circus"...

Have a complete and happy life of your own...that's what is attractive.

I'm not aware that I'm pursuing her; as I pointed out, she almost always calls me--including frequent requests for my presence at her house. (Last night, she invited me to watch a movie with her; just a "friendly" visit.) But maybe you're right. By my willingness to come running whenever she calls, that's almost like pursuit. The thing giving me the most grief right now is to somehow create a happy life--solo. After almost two decades playing the roles of lover, husband, and father, it is still tough getting used to sleeping alone in an efficiency apartment. (Damn, I hate to sleep alone!)

I'll keep working on being a "happy batchelor"--or at least become more convincing "faking it".