Everybody's Caught in a Spin...

[Daybreak]

AG - the goal was to say what I had to say concerning W's plans and as a way to communicate with W about our R. On most other levels, we do communicate pretty well but R talks have been something that very much lacking on both of our parts. As to what I wanted to acheive with the letter:

1) I wanted to make sure W knew how her actions were affecting our children and that they have noticed something definitely wrong for quite some time. My IC and I divined from W's original e-mail that there was a sense that W thought the kids were doing just fine when in actuality they were not.

2) There is also something else at work here - something W does not wish to address on her part (the dreaded "elephant in the living room"). I had hoped to be able to draw more info from W as to why she has such a strong hatred / loathing of me. And no - the porn from nearly six years ago is not what is driving W now.

Anyway, I had a chance to read through W's response to me. I am not going to comment now - I will let everyone read it and give their take on it:

H:

Thank you for your Oct. 30 email. After reading it, I briefly wrote to you that I found your view to be very different from mine. In some ways, that's true. You don't seem to think the in-house separation I proposed is a positive solution to a problem, and you presented to me that my options are to either: (1) create a stable, strong, growing, and happy marriage, or (2) move out. I have already considered these options you presented, and at this point I don't see either of them working.

On the other hand, I agree with much of what you wrote. The in-house separation does not seem that different from how we've been living for the past many years. And you're right, it is sad that you find yourself contriving excuses for why things are the way they are. I was disturbed to learn from S recently that you (apparently) told the kids you are feeling left out. Thus, for us (or me) to sit down with the kids and tell them why you and I have such separate lives feels like a good step, not a bad one.

You asked for my suggestions as to how I can "make a positive contribution to the nuts and bolts of grocery shopping and cooking." How about I prepare half the meals? Perhaps you would handle meals for calendar days 1-15, and I'll handle them for the rest of each month. Granted, my dinners may be modest, considering how late I generally get home from work.

According to your email, the ownership of a continued separation or divorce rests solely with me. So, after I get the Christmas decorations cleared out, I'll move my personal belongings into our guest room (unless you'd prefer the guest room). Before I move my stuff down, I will call a meeting with the kids and explain to them (to the best of my ability) what I wrote to you about earlier. I'd start the conversation by explaining that it is a "divorce talk" but that, at this stage, we are only undergoing a separation. I'm sure it would be a good idea to talk with them about what might be the same versus what might be different. Let me know if you want to participate in this initial conversation.