The teetertotter keeps going up and down. Halloween was hard. The weekend was good (H took S camping, so I got D on "his" weekend). Sunday evening ended up going downhill--even with the meds. Just grieving, accepting. Spoke with my SIL (H's bro's wife), and just told her how over things were; she is the one who usually hosts Thanksgiving, and she called me to see what my plans were. I don't want to alienate him from his family, but I can't just go and not be affected, pretend that the elephant is not in the room so everyone else can be comfortable. I'll take the kids to my Aunt's...let him be with his side of the extended family, without us there. I wonder sometimes if he feels anything at all.

Went to the L's today. We didn't seem to get as much done with my $250/hour--I cried on and off. She kept telling me that he was an a$$hole, that he was being abusive. Not the first time I have heard it. I wonder when I will believe it. I don't know who this man is, who he has ever been. Just a downer of a day. I had to leave my 12 yr-old to heat the water and cook the noodles for the spagetti (I had pre-made the sauce), all while he still had homework and getting ready for Scouts. I just had to apologize to him--I never wanted this for them.

Trying to stay in the moment, but next week is the family counseling. I have no idea how to act around him at this point, and now I have to be extra careful because we will be in front of the kids.

I feel the slide and just want to curl up in bed...will have to pull myself back out again. Tomorrow is prof dev day, so no students. Also have to get up early to drop puppy off to the vet to be spayed. Found out today that my dept head and mentor will be undergoing similar surgery to what I went through back in March--except he is much older. I will try to visit him tomorrow or Wed.
Tomorrow night is AlAnon. That always seems to help, and reading the daily devotionals is good, too--short and focused.

I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream where my IC, doctors from the hospital, his parents, my bff, all sat around H, along with letters from the kids and other people who had been affected by his choices, trying to get him to understand, make him look at what is driving his choices. I wasn't there. It wasn't comforting, and I think the trigger for the funk. My brain doesn't want to put this "problem to be fixed" down. And the more I look at it, the less I really want to fix it, anyway. I am not sure just how emotionally available this man was to me, ever. If he ever loved me the way that I loved him. If we really are so different, maybe have always been.


Question for parents out here:

Do you love your children more than your spouse, even before the bomb? Or is it vice-versa?