Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey L2, ST, CVA, and everyone!

Puddle, the angry flirter...would that be something like "Hey there, handsome, d*mn you to h*ll!!!" Another one would be a passive-agressive flirter: "Hey there handsome, I mean, I guess you are...whatever you think, I mean I don't know..."

Hee hee, thanks for the laugh. I was thinking something along the lines of, "Hey there, I'm looking good, thanks to you, *^$%$^%$, so do you wanna ____ or what?" Not attractive.

Do I recall correctly from upstream that your more natural reaction is to be more remote and closed down as a show of strength?

Yep, that's me. And it hasn't been working for me either, never has, and I've been working on that one for years. (But much, much more successfully lately.)

To me, open doesn't mean sharing 100% unfiltered reactions to everything, or engaging in verbal diarrhea; you want to be open to sharing your feelings (like you said that guy did), and I don't think that has to be synonymous with being an open book...

I totally agree. For me it has more to do with admitting how I'm feeling---doesn't have to be long-winded.

Of course, all of this is predicated on you actually wanting to try this...sounds like a definite 180!

That's the problem, though---I *don't* want to. I'd freak out if H changed his mind right now, but for me, the trying when I don't want to is the test. He didn't want to so didn't; I have to try anyway, at least for the sake of my kids. I wonder if I'm doomed to fail because I don't want to succeed, but I have to try.

Last night I was going to bed, in a T-shirt, and thought, damn, I have to put on that stupid sexy little outfit. Felt like a chore, but I did it. Same thing this morning: heard H's alarm go off, desperately wanted to sleep in, but dragged my butt out of bed and made coffee.

Hey ST! Thanks for checking in; always happy to hear your thoughts.

I might suggest, since your H has asked twice now about talking, if you make a date for it or something. or does your H like spontaneity?

I emailed him today and asked whether he'd like to set up a time to talk or wing it, said I thought setting something up was the way to go. He responded with yes, definitely set something up, we're no good at winging it. When I asked how a specific night worked for him, he suggested we give it until 9 ("if we make it that far"), then part ways. Charming.

Hey CVA! Thanks for checking in, my friend. I know you've got tons going on right now. Hope you're doing well.

So "Open" means exactly the way you described the guy...sexy eh?

You have no idea. You know, I had a BF once who wanted to share all his feelings with me re us and his childhood, and it was a complete turn-off. I think that was because I wasn't really into him in the first place, and because he did it so pathetically.

I still believe it's possible, though (see the guy I mentioned earlier), but there seems to have to be some attraction there first, some desire to see the person favorably, that affects my interpretation. And not that pathetic "Please please understand me!" behind it.

Too honest is bad, Hiding things is bad, Always saying what is on your mind is BAD BAD BAD, so there is a balance.

Yes, balance is key. Since I fall so far on one end of the spectrum, balance is a new place for me, and fraught with uncertainty.

I can tell you this though, CLOSED OFF IS JUST AS BAD AS TOO OPEN. e.g. Wife and CVA, respectively.

Yes, I know this from experience as well. Man, CVA, I hope you're doing great. I know things are rough right now.

H and I have had this email exchange going lately, and it's been interesting. He keeps sending me bullet-pointed emails, full of questions and actions we need to take. The other night he asked me (in a bullet point) if I blame him for the D, and I said no. Then he responded with something like thanks for this, though I'm not sure I believe you. Keeps asking me questions, then saying he doesn't quite believe me. That's okay. He will.

Today he sent one that said (forgive the length; too tired to summarize):

"I want to thank you for how you've been handling this situation. I know it hasn't been easy on you, and it's great to see you go out and enjoy yourself, and spending 1:1 time with the kids. You seem to feel good about yourself, and that's awesome.
You've been gracious over the past 3 months, and I appreciate the space you've given me.
Last night, for the first time, I felt a sadness, you know, sadness of something coming to an end. Nothing depressing, but a feeling that was new to me."

I think I know exactly what he means. "Last night" was the night he asked me if I wanted to talk and I said I was tired. I might ought to have gotten up and talked.

In these emails I also told him I didn't feel like there was any need to increase the amount of time he spends at home after he moves out (in response to his proposition that he comes home to see the boys every night). He thought about it and agreed. Truth is, I need some time to reclaim this place as my own, not ours.

He suggested we spend an hour together (all four of us) before one of us takes off for the evening. I said that sounds great occasionally---don't think I want to do every night---and he said he'd let me "drive" that. God I hate that business speak, but okay.

He wants to start interviewing mediators this week, wants to get the money stuff settled so he knows what he has to work with.

On to the other guy. He texted yesterday morning to ask if I'd be up for some frisbee in the afternoon. I had the kids, so said, "Can't do today unless it's frisbee by moonlight." No response. Today it went like this:

me: Are you upfor hanging out tomorrow night or Saturday night [my free time this week]?
him: Are you free at all today? I'm playing hooky.
me: Wish I were---there's no hooky from the kids. Have fun playing.
him: I have work to do, but I would've carved out some fun time for you. Too bad it's inappropriate for the three of us to hang out. Maybe next spring or summer?
me: We'll see how they're doing. I know they'd respond to your childlike side. Let me know when our respective carved-out time aligns.

No response.

Not sure what I think about this, but what I'm doing is scheduling myself to the fullest. Peter Pan can be a bit frustrating for someone who needs to plan ahead, so I'm certainly not holding those few windows open hoping he'll step up. But seriously? A very sexy guy.

H just stopped by unexpectedly to get shoes appropriate for going out to dinner. Ugh, I hate that surprise thing.

Take care, all.