The other night, when you said “Maybe I have been with other people,” it really started me thinking.
While I agree that we are not in a formal or committed relationship, we have been behaving in a ‘married’ way. We spend a lot of time together—usually the entire weekend. We usually sleep in the same bed. We talk several times a day, and about very emotionally intimate things. We have traded apartment keys. We plan meals together. We often lend each other money, help each other out, and budget together. I help you with your school work, and you perform maintenance work on my cars. We occasionally have sex.
We have a child together.
To me, these are things that a married couple does. The only elements missing (besides an actual commitment) are actually saying “I love you” or cuddling—and those are things that we sometimes do, as well.
While I am not looking to date you, nor am I pushing you to change now, I am concerned that it appears I am being lied to. It would be naïve of me to believe that you have not been physically intimate with JD. After all, you have been exchanging “I love you” messages for months. There are messages alluding to “what is between you” as well as you asking her if she “still wants to be with” you. To me, these indicate more than a casual friendship. This is how someone interacts with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
From my perspective, by not labeling either relationship, you are having your cake and eating it, too. I am in the role of the wife. She is in the role of girlfriend. You get to experience the giddy fun of a new relationship, while still having someone ‘safe’ to return home to.
I do not wish to play ‘wife’ on the side while you play ‘dating couple’ with someone else. That you have not put labels on either relationship does not change how these interactions affect all of us. I have stated before that I will not be this close with you if you were to date. From my side, it appears that you are dating JD—despite your reluctance to actually call it that. That you choose not to call it that, and are open about your feelings for her, does not make it okay.
My apologies for saying this in such an accusatory and inarticulate manner the other day. Know that I love you, and always have.
I'm looking to explain my feelings without being accusatory. I'm trying to use "I" expressions and speak in terms of boundaries.
Think I'll kick it around a bit more in my head before I hand it to xh.
