Still Dancin'

[waw1978]

Big progress GD.

High fives on the 19 year old...the meeting with the BF & the true growth you have discovered.

I am sure you will find some tactful way to deal with the little Lolita that had her way with you! I wouldn't say anything to her unless she starts pursuing you like a little minx, then address the whole not wanting a relationship due to your current sitch, maybe even apologize if she got the wrong idea. I dunno.

This is coming from me who just had a 24 y/o college boy hottie tell me that he really liked me and we couldn't hangout anymore until I was fully divorced and ready to play the field...Who figured he would the one upholding the moral compass? Truth be told, it just made me like and respect him more...He is on my dance card if my M is finally kaput and I am ready to move on.

Again, yay for the action!

There are many of us on here that have been long deprived...I am coming up on my year anniversary of no nookie. Any idea when I can reapply for the V-Card? LOL

[Heimlich]

Kudos, GD. That must've been tough. If my W were to meet and date someone other than OM, I think I could act the way you are. With OM, I'd never put myself in a situation where I'd have to be alone with him. He might fall down and go boom.

Who figured he would the one upholding the moral compass? Truth be told, it just made me like and respect him more

Man, 24 and he's got things figured out pretty well. I used to be like that. Six months. I heard Madonna's "Like a Virgin" the other day and teared up

BD

[christarn]

GD...just checkn in, the things alcohol will do to us! I agree with the others, be gentle as possible in the let down. Hopefully, she won't be a crazed teenager. It's hard to let your gaurd down (when in your true heart there is only person that you long to be with) when your hurting on the inside and recovering and coping with everything that is going on emotionally in your life. Keep on dancin....

PS...check out my myspace page, it's under the same name I use here, i posted some Ireland pics!!!

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks for stopping by chicki, SD, Kat, Dave, CMC, waw, and Heim!

chicki,

Is this the first time you come face to face w/ BF? I bet that took all the strength you had in you!

I've been around her BF a few other times, and just ignored him completely. This time around it was definitely different because I'm in a much different place emotionally than I was before. I'm ready to accept the reality that they are in a R, and the best thing for me to do is respect it and the both of them for their choices, whether I like it, disagree with it, etc. So, really, it didn't take as much strength as you would think, though I must admit there was sadness in my heart and a little awkwardness in the air (you know, that big pink elephant was in the room!).

SD,

you have demonstrated a whole new level of detachment. Congratulations.

I think so too, and I wouldn't have known if I was ready to be in that sitch until I was placed in it again. I'm very happy with myself and how I handled things, even if my heart isn't quite ready for the reality.

Kat,

I find it really interesting how you seem to still have feelings for your W, but are detached enough that you could be in the same room w/ BF, act as if, and feel great afterwards (not consumed with anger, jealousy, etc).

Yeah, pretty interesting eh? I think it's the whole, "if you love them then be willing to let them go," thing. Plus, I'm very aware of my past controlling, jealous self, and I'm always doing my best to supress him until he is gone from my life forever. I've done so well over the last 5 months that I believe it's really getting close to being natural for me to don my duck's back in situations like these.

Dave,

I am very impressed and it just speaks truckloads about your character.

Thanks Dave -- I know that, if anything, it speaks volumes about my CHANGES in character. That is something that I'm very proud of and that nobody can take away from me (and that I know W will see and be amazed by, as well).

CMC,

I could only wish my h would be thinking these things. I wish I would not be suspicious even if he did say/do what you have written.

How long do you think you would have to see these things said/acted upon consistently from your H before your suspicions were lifted? Maybe a certain milestone would have to be passed with these changes from H continuing on before you would be able to believe they were genuine? People can change, CMC -- personalities are pretty static, but behaviors and character are absolutely transformable.

Good luck on your journey!

waw,

I am sure you will find some tactful way to deal with the little Lolita that had her way with you! I wouldn't say anything to her unless she starts pursuing you like a little minx, then address the whole not wanting a relationship due to your current sitch, maybe even apologize if she got the wrong idea. I dunno.

Great advice -- thanks! Also, thanks for the compliments on the growth. I'm definitely proud of the steps I've taken and the knowledge/perspective I've gained. I think I should've waited to become intimate with the 19 yr old (and with anyone else, for that matter) until after the D is final (Dec 7th) for my own satisfaction that I did my best and stood for the M 'til the bitter end. Oh well, can't change it (and I can say that the devil alcohol played a huge role in my choice the other night). I was thinking about having a new R recently, but in the last day or two have begun to regret considering this stuff before the D was final.

Heim,

If my W were to meet and date someone other than OM, I think I could act the way you are.

Yeah, I agree that the fact that BF didn't enter the picture until a few months after the filing makes it a little easier, but he is still someone who has been (and likely still is) intimate with my W, both physically and emotionally, who spends time with my kids, etc. He is someone that has taken my place, and that is a painful thing to process and accept. Nonetheless, gotta let it go and move on, and if W ever decides she wants to work things out, we'll see where I am.

Thanks again everyone! You guys are awesome!

GD

[Puddle]

Hey GD,

I am in awe of your interaction with OM, especially since it was unexpected. You deserve to feel extremely proud of yourself! How wonderful to get caught off guard like that and see your own actions validate the changes you've made. Congratulations.

I have no doubt that your behavior was not lost on W: whether she's moving back toward you or not, you must've risen loads in her estimation.

Take care.

[SunnySeason]

Good morning GD,

Yeah, pretty interesting eh? I think it's the whole, "if you love them then be willing to let them go," thing. Plus, I'm very aware of my past controlling, jealous self, and I'm always doing my best to supress him until he is gone from my life forever. I've done so well over the last 5 months that I believe it's really getting close to being natural for me to don my duck's back in situations like these.

Having followed you from the beginning, I can only be amazed at the real & lasting changes you've made.
Donning the duck's back is one of the most impressive, since it's so much easier, as most of us know, in theory than in practice.

L&L,

Sunny

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks for stopping by christa, puddle, and sunny!

christa,

I'll try to check out your myspace page here in the near future and get a peek at those pics (hope there are some lip-walking pics to laugh at!). How's your sitch moving along, btw? Hope all is well with you!

puddle,

I am in awe of your interaction with OM,

I have no doubt that your behavior was not lost on W: whether she's moving back toward you or not, you must've risen loads in her estimation.

Thanks -- I don't think it was lost on W either (more below)!

sunny,

Having followed you from the beginning, I can only be amazed at the real & lasting changes you've made.

Thanks sunny -- your support has always meant a lot to me!



Journaling,

I called W the day after the encounter with her BF to tell her I was having a hard time separating the phone bill into two separate accounts. She was in the middle of getting our kids and her BF's kid(s) sat down for dinner, and I could tell she was struggling with it. She was very short with me, and I just calmly and nicely said that I'd keep trying to handle the phone sitch, and maybe call her back sometime when she wasn't as busy. Duck's back, baby -- duck's back.

So, later that evening (Friday night) I finally got the phone company to separate the bills, then I paid my first month and her current bill (just because I could and I know she's pretty broke -- as usual).

Fast forward to this morning (Sunday), and she calls. Starts talking strategy on splitting the phone bill and I tell her that it's cool, and that I finally got it taken care of. She sounds surprised, and asks if all she has to do now is call and pay for her separate bill. I said no, I took care of it when I paid for mine. Again, surprised and sincerely thanks me. I nonchalantly say no problem, and then she starts talking about various things with the kids.

The first thing is that S5 is mad because she has placed a bunch of toy guns on the back porch to be thrown away, and continues to tell me how she doesn't like them and that S5 and BF's son have so many of them. Now, this is significant to me because allowing S5 to play w/ toy guns was always an issue for me when W and I were together -- I didn't want him playing with them, but she didn't really have a problem with it. I've known for a while that S5 has played with them at W's place, but haven't made a big stink about it. Now she seems to be kind of telling me that she is making a parenting choice that I would respect and appreciate. Maybe it wasn't a conscious effort on her part, maybe it was -- it was just interesting and something I took note of.

Of course, since her mentioning this was light-hearted and friendly, I just listened, laughed, and validated (i.e. "I'm sorry" for the situation).

She then got S5 on the phone to talk with me, then got back on and started talking about something else that wasn't real important, then I brought up something important, then she put D3 on the phone to talk with me. Having the kids talk to me was new, because she usually doesn't do that. I was very appreciative of this, though I didn't tell her that (didn't think it necessary, really, but maybe should've).

She then got back on the phone and we had some more light chat about nothing important, both laughed some, etc. Then another important thing discussed, followed by me thanking her for calling and us saying goodbye.

Okay (getting back to something I mentioned above in regard to puddle's thought), based on W's friendly, comfortable chat w/ me today I think W must feel much less threatened by me now since I had my friendly chat initiation with her BF at their house on Thursday. I think she finally sees my kindness, friendliness, etc, as sincere and genuine. She sees that I'm accepting where we are now, and that I am no longer pursuing her. This has freed her up to be more open, comfortable, and friendly with me now. I'm very pleased with this, because if anything I want us to be comfortable around each other. I want us to be friends, and though I know I have more detaching to go before that can truly happen, I know we're on the right path. I think I've gotten to that comfortable place that Nomo and his W are at. It feels like quite a relief.

I also tried to hint at us getting off the phone during the convo, but each time she just kept talking. It seemed like she was lingering more with me than she has in a long time, and that was refreshing. Just monitoring and taking stock, and will just leave the observation as that -- an observation. We're going to Parent/Teacher conferences together Thursday night, and I think things will go well. I'm excited to talk about how S5 is doing with his kindergarten teacher!

Hope everyone had a great weekend -- I just saw Superbad today, and laughed my arse off the whole time! McLovin' rules!

GD

[waw1978]

GD

Sounds like your things are thawing out between you and W. Keeping the communication lines open, even if it is just about the children is a good start.

You seem to have really taken the big step to moving on and complete detachment. Necessary at this point. But at least it sounds like you two are becoming friends again. Friendship keeps the doors open. Keep fostering the friendship. You will have to deal with this woman for the rest of your life...proms, weddings, graduations. All with this person. The least you two can do is become friends for the childrens sake...and you never do know what can happend down the road.

[PMA_Baby!]

Hey GD - Just caught up w your latest interactions. WTG man! that's awesome. Just the fact that u didnt throw that creep through the window was a big step. Just kiddin. For some reason the scene w Arnold and the used carsalesman taking a test drive in the movie True Lies came to mind when Arnold day dreams about punching the OM lol! I dont think I am detached enough to handle a setting like that. Not to read into anything, but for some reason I really think based on that last interaction that it's just a matter of time before you waw starts regreting her choices. Especially, since this OM's luster is going to start wearing off. Also, your w having to take care of his kids will start taking it's toll. It will be interesting over the next couple months what u decide to do if she starts wanting to work on things. It really looks like a possibility the way you have described her acting.

Good Luck. Broken.

[Gone Dancin']

waw,

I really do think that she's getting more comfortable with me because she is finally starting to feel like the pressure is off and that my changes are not a short term act. I like the idea of at least being friends, and you're right that it always keeps the door open -- just can't sit and stare at it, waiting for W to step through.

Broken,

I really think based on that last interaction that it's just a matter of time before you waw starts regreting her choices. Especially, since this OM's luster is going to start wearing off.

Oh, believe me -- BF's (not an OM -- started dating after the was filed by me) luster is gone and has been for a little while. W is really just stuck living with him due to financial aspects, and I know that she's not willing to come back to me even if she's done with him. At this point BF is the lesser of the two evils. Sad, but true.

It will be interesting over the next couple months what u decide to do if she starts wanting to work on things. It really looks like a possibility the way you have described her acting.

I think it's easy to see more positives in other people's sitches, and I honestly don't see the positives I recently mentioned as being real indictative of W considering reconciliation. I do, however, think it shows that she is making a concerted effort in having better relations with me because I've recently shown that there is no danger in her doing so. She commented a few months ago that she wasn't nicer or more friendly to me during the separation because she didn't want to give me any false hope. I think she now sees that I have accepted things and am detached enough that she can be nice/friendly without me clinging to it. Because I do believe this is the case, I will honor that and continue to appreciate her efforts, but not read into them and allow them to drive my hope. I will monitor them and take stock, but I will not put more into them than is logical.

I know that my description lend to more hope than actually exists, but I do appreciate your support and positive thoughts/feelings. And yes, it will be interesting how I respond if she wants to work on things. I know that right now I still would, but would definitely want to take it slow (i.e. I would ask if we could set her up in her own place for a while and just hang out together, go on dates, have a family day here and there, etc). I would like to take it slow. Hopefully I won't have moved on if she ever decides to come back. Timing is everything!

Thanks for your thoughts guys!

GD