Well I started #22 in the MLC forum and thought more about it, and I think I actually belong over here... so.. hi! I know some of you already, and look forward to catching up with you.
I'm not entirely sure where I belong these days, but my last Piecing thread locked, and we are most definitely no longer piecing.
The basics... together about 12.5 years, married for just over 6, original bomb the day after our 5th anniversary. No kids. We separated for about 6 weeks last year, H came back WAY too soon. Things were great for a few months, went downhill gradually, then rapidly - and I got re-bombed in early October. Now he says he only came back because he missed the house.
We are in the same house but we are basically separated. forever21 described it perfectly, it's like that movie "The Breakup" where we know we need to sep but we both refuse to leave. Still sleep in the same bed only because it's the only one we have (which will change shortly, I have a sofa/bed being delivered on Weds). We're civil and sometimes even friendly - hug and kiss goodbye before work and such - but H has clearly said he's "done," never loved me (ummm.. wow why'd you ask me to marry you then??)... all the usual stuff.
At this point I've decided I wouldn't buy H out on the house and he's hinted that he would want to buy me out... so really, it's a matter of seeing if this in home sep will work and if so, for how long. I expect to be the one to leave and have been looking at places just to get an idea what's out there - not ready to act on it yet, but want to know my options.
H doesn't know about any of this, although he wonders what's up with the Lowe's bags and the deep cleaning of the spare bedroom.
I'd still love to reconcile, but it's going to take a lot to get there, if we ever do.
So, I've picked out a room in the house to make "mine" and am trying to kind of turn it into my personal sanctuary. I alternate between sad about where we are, and excited about making it my own. So far I have a night stand (doubles as a mini-dresser), closet system that I need to install, and a "zen like" fountain in there. I'm going with an "island breeze" type feel - clean, greens and blues, bamboo shades.. just making it a nice peaceful place.
The only money I'm spending on stuff that would stay here is paint and bare minimal fixes (like the shower) - the rest of it I'm making sure is stuff that can go with me if/when I move. So I'll have a very nice either bedroom or guest room. I re-did the master bedroom after last year's sep and would take all that stuff with me too, so at least I'll have 2 nice rooms all ready to go!
This morning the thought popped into my head that maybe H just keeps bombing me so I'll redecorate the house.... hehe. I know, twisted humor, but it made me smile a bit. (and no, obviously I don't ACTUALLY think that).
For those who were helping me w/paint colors on my last thread - thanks! I bought a "butter cream" yellow yesterday, just tried it on a section of wall, and EWWWWW. It looked so pretty on the chip and in the can... <sigh>. It may have just been the shade of yellow but it turned me off of yellow entirely. I took the paint chips back out again today and much to my surprise, when I really objectively looked at them, I ended up picking a green. I am trying to decide between two shades now - after the hideous yellow I picked, I will probably go w/the lighter shade.
Hope everyone is having a good Sunday!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
awe. I'm sorry it turned out so aweful! I know what you mean though. I ended up creating my OWN color out of the burnt orange and a light taupe/tan color. They just never look exactly the same as the swatch. So at least you did only spend $5 right?
That was a funny thought, about H trying to get you to redecorate. twisted, but funny.
hope you had a good weekend.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hi Nikki, Just checkin' up on you. I like the thread in separated since I am in about the same place as you (W is living in our guest room). I also think that she is mostly here for the creature comforts...esp. since we haven't given each other any "comfort" in such a long time!
I think there should be a "lost in space" forum for those of us who find themselves forever lost in limbo land.
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
at church today, the pastor mentioned that statistics show the average first marriage lasts 5 years. is that ridiculous? My sitch happened close to that, and it looks like a lot happen around that time. my neighbor was one of them.
If you think about it, it's probably so common for Ds nowadays that no one gets the chance to really see if they can muddle thru the bad times. back in the day, people didn't just get a D when things got rough, and I bet that a lot of them would say 5 years was a tough time but they got thru it. who knows, just speculating.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
at church today, the pastor mentioned that statistics show the average first marriage lasts 5 years....
If you think about it, it's probably so common for Ds nowadays that no one gets the chance to really see if they can muddle thru the bad times. back in the day, people didn't just get a D when things got rough, and I bet that a lot of them would say 5 years was a tough time but they got thru it. who knows, just speculating.
I'm totally not surprised by that statistic. Many of our friends reached the 5-7 year mark, and all heck broke loose. Many divorces, a couple of A's, just tough times. It's like that's when the shine completely wears off and we decide to speak up.
My parents told me they hit a point in their M where there was just a lot of what they term "hall sex" going on. They'd just pass each other and flip each other off--either literally or figuratively. But they had strong religious views and stayed together until they decided to work on making it and themselves better. They're very happy now, but I know there were a rough few years.
Nikki--sorry the color didn't work out, but the positive is that you know you don't want *that* color. I love the idea of a soft green or a soft blue...it would be tranquil. I hope you took some time to take care of YOU too this weekend!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Nikki , welcome but its not great to see you here in separated. Its not great that things did not work out as well as you hoped for now. But you are still here still working on you and thats important.
that makes total sense SD. forgot about the "honeymoon is over" syndrome. that sucks about all your friends, but totally cool on your parents.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
ST Glad you liked that little twisted thought of mine. That's cool you made your own paint color work! I haven't had a chance to try the green yet. I ended up spending $8 for it as they didn't have the $5 "sample" size here, so I just got the smallest one they had. The new stuff came from a local hardware store where they know me really well. The guy mixing it said that he's had a lot of customers really like this color, so that's a good sign! I was trying to decide between two shades on the same "strip" of colors and went with the lighter one - so if it's TOO light I can just have them add a little more color and get the darker shade.
Wow.. 5 years.. sad. Used to at least be a "7 year itch" wasn't it??? Wonder if it has more to do with changing times, or with people's ages since they are typically marrying later.. ? I actually heard something on the Today show a few months back that the latest generation of people marrying in their 20s are typically making it THREE years. Geez!! That's the case for my SIL.. they made it 2.5 I think.
Hey SuperDad,
Good to hear from you! I haven't read up on you in ages either, will need to do that. haha.. really, the "limbo land" forum. It's a weird thing to live together but be separated.
SD I think you're so right about there being hard times but people used to try a lot harder to work THROUGH them. If this doesn't work, I will be curious to see what happens with my H. His Dad's been through this several times. Around the 5-7 year mark, things get rough, he bails. H has even commented on the pattern but, of course, "that's completely different, our situation isn't like all the other 5-7 year situations you hear about.." (how many times have we all heard THAT one??). It makes me so sad - for everyone who goes through it. Seems like in most cases people would be better off sticking with it instead of starting the same ol' pattern with someone new.
Very true on the color - in a funny way it felt good to try it and KNOW that I (all me, no one else's input) didn't like it. A little thing, but it felt good.
Dave Thanks - yep, still here, still figuring this stuff out as I go.
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I had a pretty good weekend. Spent most of Saturday working on room stuff.
Sunday I went to lunch and a movie with my dad and little sister, for her birthday. Saw The Bee Movie and loved it!! Highly recommended for pretty much any age range. Plenty of humor in there for both the kids and the adults. My sis is only 11 but she's maybe 2 inches shorter than me now - it's so weird looking her eye to eye, I still think of her as a kid, but she's growing up fast!
My dad's having a really tough time. He keeps pushing his W (over and over) for answers about their "status." I actually respect her a lot, she's been very patient and has gone through it with him numerous times - more than most of us ever really get. They've met at least twice that I know of to talk through it. She came 'armed' with a time line and practically scripted list of things the last time, about a month ago. Apparently that wasn't enough heart break for him, so he emailed her again asking the same questions. She sent back a several page email with the same information - what went wrong, when it started, how she tried to tell him and how he didn't fix anything, you get the picture. One part of it she wrote "I understand he sense of loss you are going through, I went through it too when I lost my H 6 years ago." (meaning my Dad). Ouch. I REALLY wish he would quit doing this. All it's doing is 1. hurting the heck out of him and 2. making sure she is 100% crystal clear on why she left. Geez... quit reminding her!! At least now he has it in writing. Maybe he can just keep re-reading that if he wants to wallow, rather than pushing her to keep saying it.
Sunday night was kind of interesting. I was basically catching up on chores, nothing too thrilling, but H kept coming in to talk to me. He spent all day helping his sister move into her new apartment. She's the one who was married less than 3 years. For various reasons she got / will get almost NOTHING in the D. No $$ in house equity, no furniture, barely even any of the wedding gifts. Her H was a much better record keeper than she realized and was able to prove that the house and any equity was "his" due to separate money he brought into it. And in fact, she's lucky - her H could have pursued spousal support!! He was telling me all about it and how upset he was with her H. I listen..validate... did pretty well I thought, considering the circumstances.
I noticed that H was extremely nice and even acting kind of "lovey" a few times. Made an obvious point of leaving his phone out in the car and not doing any calling/texting. All weekend he was actually pretty funny, wondering what I was doing, where I was going, and most importantly (at least based on the fact that he'd ask 3-4 times in a row), who I was going with. Yep, I was vague. We barely saw each other all weekend, but last night he invited me to dinner and I accepted. I knew it was risky based on our last few dinners but I really did WANT to go (and it was a real invite, not an "I'm going to go eat, you can come if you're hungry") - I also felt he was respecting my boundaries on the texting and stuff Sat. and Sun. So, I took the chance and it was really nice. Had fun talking (which hasn't been fun in quite awhile!), and just generally enjoyed ourselves. Not allowing myself to get sucked in.. glad for the enjoyable time together, though. And yeah, I'm entirely aware that he may have realized from his sister's sitch that the more of an a$$ he is, the more I am likely to take the "hardball" approach if we D.. so it could entirely be a money thing.. still, glad we had an enjoyable dinner together.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Hi NikkiB, I just wanted to say that the last time my h and I seperated, I redecorated too. I made curtains for the kitchen, and bought all new living room furniture (a leather couch and two oversized seats with huge ottomans). And I just realized with this current sep. that I really want to paint my bathroom RED! Don't know what it is, but I get the same bug you do!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
