I need to quit t/j others so I'm going back to mine even though it's been a while. Yeah. Sorry. Another really, really, really, long post.
As I pondered "What If" on Aud's thread, H walked in the door after working half a day and running errands.
All was great until those thoughts started creeping in. You know, THOSE thoughts: He looked me in the eye and just lied to me. I absolutely never, ever, would've believed he'd have an affair. I never checked his phone messages. He worked half a country away and I laughed whenever someone would suggest that a country boy could get in trouble in this crazy city. The rest is history.
We're still really new to this piecing stuff. As Aud pointed out to me (thanks so much!), emotions are really running high because of major financial and physical moves we've made in a short time.
I don't know how to type out this scenario without it sounding totally ridiculous to you, the gentle reader. On the surface, which is all my H had to work with at first, btw, it just IS ridiculous.
I asked about some appliances he'd helped a friend move that morning. As I sifted through the details he gave me it came out that they are storing them for us until we close on a house in our new area.
So far so good.
Except I'd asked him about the appliances on a few other occasions because he'd grouse about having to help his friend move them.
He never mentioned that he was keeping them for us.
I asked him why he hadn't mentioned he had decided we'd use them or even show them to me on the occasions we've been at the friend's house.
He said he didn't want to because "he knew me" and I wouldn't want them because I'd been so "spoiled" by himself and everyone that I wouldn't want them.
I told him we'd been apart a long time and I've made some changes. I actually find his little "finds" enduring when he brings them home and admire his creativity. Nope. He knew I was going to say that too!
... I wanted to stop myself but somehow had to push it to the limit and set a boundry... a precedent. I even told him that I'm teaching him how to treat me and I don't want him to be dishonest, even if it's to avoid the conflict that is SURE to follow. Argh. He didn't hear any of it.
I realized I am NOT the same person that would go back to what we had before we separated. I did not go through that fire to go back to what he could discard.
Surprisingly, it is even more important that I don't want to go back there because I did a lot of growing and that isn't good enough for ME anymore. I hope I make some sense.
So I didn't let go. I just had to get this clear. Things were said, I even suggested that he might have done all this to get me to bring "his son" down here. Oh, he was no angel. He was insulted and insulted me in kind... but anyhow.
I'm not writing to beat myself up. I am not proud of throwing his past dishonesty in his face as a reason for the line I needed to draw in the sand. Whatever doesn't kill you can make you stronger though, and that's what we discussed this morning.
Last night we got to that point that scares us again. Out of the chaos and tears though, came his voice. He just yelled that I don't understand. He yelled "you couldn't understand, I never tell you enough."
Then he cried and cringed and said "You are all I want. You are part of everything I think and do every minute of every day."
"I HATED that. Through it all. You were there and I hated myself." "Since the day you showed up halfway across the country and walked onto my job site it was over. I despise her. She makes me sick and I can't stand to go there. But you need to know, though I never could tell you. She is nothing. Nothing. She never was but I was too weak to admit it, to look myself in the mirror, to face what I'd become. To stop."
He just went on. Shaking and crying and letting it all pour out.
This is the same man that coldly told me on D-day he didn't love me anymore. That he was having an affair and wasn't going to stop "anytime soon"..."she makes me feel alive." etc., etc., ad nauseum.
He went on for a while. He had a lot bottled up inside. He finally got out what he'd been holding inside and I actually shut up and listened. Then held him.
I'm not writing to suggest creating conflict or making a stand to get this stuff out! He was just ready and it seems, in our case, that probably because of his conflict-avoiding nature, it does seem that he'll get out the hard stuff when there is already that electricity in the air. I can understand it. It's hard to interrupt the good stuff with the painful stuff. He's not in counseling though and I realized he had never vocalized this before. There was no one he could confide in.
There is also no one I feel comfortable confiding this personal of an exchange, but I needed to get it out somewhere too. No matter how hopeless it seems at some point, there is a whole lot going on in our spouses minds that we just don't know. Sometimes they even figure it out before it's too late.
