Out of the Abyss...

[ediemarie]

Thank you all for posting to me. I appreciate all of your words of encouragement!

I had to take a week's break. I was beginning to get so depressed and being here was contributing to that rather than helping it. There was just something about coming here every day and reading and posting and not seeing changes - it was really bringing me down. I'm feeling better though and have some new developments (albeit confusing) to report. But yesterday we had a major R talk which is prompting me to post.

New Developments:
I have stopped asking H to quit his job - cheeseless tunnel - to say the least. For the level of emotion involved in the conversation, I was calm, cool and collected - something that I have been working on and trying to be. I haven't always been that way so I was really proud of myself during this conversation.

H told me yesterday that he hasn't quit his job because he can't commit to me. This is something that I have known for a really long time - duh - but something that he is just coming to realize. He said that attending Retrouvaille really opened his eyes to understand that he has never truly committed to me, and may never have the ability to do so, ever. We haven't had any sexual contact in 20 months - 20. He said the thought terrifies him - the idea of that level of commitment is just too much for him to deal with. To be married and sexually active on a regular basis is too difficult. Sex with OW only worked because he wasn't committed to her. Sex with me only worked outside of our marriage. Inside, it was terrifying (no wonder why we had it so infrequently).

He said that when he was in counseling last year his therapist told him that the problems in our R were because of him and his inability to commit. At the time my H didn't believe him and thus stopped going to IC. H believed I was the problem in our R and that I didn't love him or express it enough so he just 'fell" into an R with OW.

H is now saying that his lack of commitment has nothing to do with me - it is all about him. He is incapable of committing to anyone - even OW. He still says his R with her is over and he can't commit to her either, anyway. I just sat and listened to H talk about all of this. None of it is new to me. I knew/had come to this realization last year - this is the source of our issue. I get it. It is sad to see H go through all of this. He seemed so undone yesterday, but at the same time at peace because he could speak to me about all of this. I am trying to not internalize all of this and read too much into it. At one point it felt like he was breaking up with me. It was like I was in college all over again and the guy across the table from me was giving the "it's me, not you" speech. So parts of it were difficult to listen to. Naturally I suggested counseling. H misses going to Retrouvaille weekly - it really helped him and it gave him a real boost to be there every Friday. I said that if he really missed Retrouvaille then maybe counseling would help us or at the very least, we could go to CORE (Retrouvaille) group that meets monthly. He was receptive to all of these ideas - for a time - yesterday. He even said that he needs to go to counseling by himself first to deal with this and then maybe we could eventually go together. I agreed and said that would be helpful. At one point he said that he'd like for us to date again - like how it used to be. He doesn't want to his live his life without me, but he is doubtful that he will be able to ever commit.

Later in the day I hopped online to buy tickets to a local performance of A Christmas Carol. Last week H and I had discussed going during the Christmas season. While online I asked H if he still wanted to go - he said yes. I began picking dates at which point H said "you're not buying the tickets, now are you?" And I said "yeah, what's the big deal? I thought we could go in the middle of December." He said "well who knows if we'll even be together then?" This naturally took me off guard. He accused me of pressuring him into committing to something he wasn't sure he could do (going to a play in a month). I immediately backed off buying the tickets and told him that it could wait. I also said that I was really interested in seeing the play but if he didn't want to come with me, I could always find someone else to go.

I'm confused by all of this. It is extremely difficult not to internalize this. It's hard to think that he isn't planning on just up and leaving. I asked him if yesterday's talk was a break-up talk. He said it wasn't, but I'm left feeling really unsure about his answer.

I really feel like we are at the largest crossroads so far. I mean, I've been standing here for quite some time and H has just taken a little longer to get here. I know what path I want to go down and now H is finally looking at his choices and the path of least resistance is, of course, most attractive. The path with the brambles and pot holes and thorn bushes (read counseling) of course is not as fun. This relationship has never been more in his hands as it is today.

It is a strange situation that we find ourselves in. He is loving and kind to me at home. He shows me how much he cares for me. He does things for me, and is generous and giving. I see a real desire in him to please me. But he just can't commit to me. I am trying to leave this in his hands as it is his mess. I know I will be ok without him, life would just be so much more enjoyable with him.

In other news, I bought a slew of self-help books. How Can I Forgiven You by Janice Spring was the first one to arrive - great read! She explains the difference between Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness. It has helped me tremendously in terms of coming to terms with my situation.

Thanks for reading!
Em