(she thinks i should just forget about H, move on, get divorced and not consider him at all....) ============= have you let your mom know that you dont' appreciate her negative feedback and that you would really welcome her support? that you will fight for this M with or without her help? sorry she is being a pain about it.
she wants it at her house because its easier with the current stich, i'm invited but not my H. ================= how can that be easier? it is WORSE! don't know what happened last year, but for your and the kids sake I agree w/u and tell her you'll do xmas at home and that she could come for dessert or something. Don't tell your H how your schedule is open the whole day, just ask him if he'd like dinner with the kids or lunch on xmas day, don't ask him to stay over, it is too soon.
As for the anniversary I got my H a card that wasn't all mushy nor said the word love, not even sure it was a true anniversary, but it was very cute, something about him marrying me knowing it wouldnt' b a walk on the park (I was a handful sometimes, he'd spoil me) Inside, I posted a list of all the things I never thanked him that he did for me that meant a lot, ei: how he went to marry me in my country even if his whole family couldnt' come, I dont' think I ever told him how much that meant, about how he'd try to keep me warm when I was shivering due to the meds they gave me when I was giving birth, things like that.
I try to keep busy working out, got online and made some friends, finding old friends and talking to them, as far as KLA not much to do there, just decided I'd hug him if I felt like it, I wasn't doing so before, he doesn't mind so I'll do it, just trying to be on my best behaviour and not nag about little household things that normally would set me off.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I got the cards today. Blank inside on both, but the birthday card has a pictute of hot air balloons flying over the french alps. He loves the alps, loves snow, loves skiing and likes to be free....
The anniversary card is a black & white picture of a small girl and boy his arm is around her and the words say 'to the world you may be just one person; but to one person you may be the world', not too mushy but I think it sums up what I want to say, without adding too much?
I had a lovely body massage last night, but it made me go over things in my head later and I didn't sleep that well. I had sent H a text thanking him for taking boys and D2 to the cinema earlier in the evening, that they had been looking forward to it all week and that he was a brilliant dad. I had a reply from him which said i was a fab mom and he always wanted to be part of the d's lifes that he loved them but he did feel differently towards them than he did towards our boys, he was sorry, he couldn't explain it.
I texted back and said he mustn't beat himself up about it, it was normal, his blood is in the boys the bond is bound to be deeper and stronger. I said the girls loved him very much and we have always appreciated his love and support and that they were a credit to us both and that I couldn't have done it without him, that we have the same values etc.
He said he was very proud of them and glad they were his step daughters and he would always try and include them in things he did. I don't know what he is trying to say, I hope they are not the main reason for our seperation. It sounds like he is looking into the future and the girls and I are not part of it. I know he feels he has been taken advantage of by my xh, but why should i be penalised????
As far as xmas is concerned, it would be easier for mom to host xmas at hers because if she comes to mine she would probably run into H and she is having a hard time accepting his behaviour and him leaving home. If I had my way it would be to just spend xmas day in my own home with the kids and as you say Cat, let H decide when and what he does, however D2 wants to spend the morning at home and then go to her nans for a late lunch. I am reluctant to do this, because i'm wishing that H would like to stay for a nice family dinner WITHOUT my family there to spoil it for him. I know he would want that. But going to my mom's has it's advantages:
a) boys can go with their dad on boxing day b)mom & brother are very critical, so it would be better for me to control the time of the visit and leave after a late dinner c)I don't have to think about the cooking (not to much a problem if just us)
Cat - I did tell mom that I am hoping H will come back with time and space, but you are right I think she needs a gentle reminder that I need her to be more postive at this time. If we do get back together, her behaviour will backfire and be harder for her in teh long run. She was a great support when I left my XH, she never liked him anyway, but was very negative when my brother & sil split up 2 years ago and she is been like that now. I find her to be a bit draining and I hate to say it, but atm I don't like her company. I know she loves and supports me in her way.
Sorry this is long, need to journal today.
Wishing you a peaceful weekend. Thanks for reading.
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Mine was great considering, H & i took the boys to a bonfire display.
It's that time of the month coming up again and I can feel the resentfulness building up again...I'm angry today.
H seems to have landed really well on his feet, a landlady who does his washing, one bill to her a month and she then pays all the bills, he eats at work, showers at the gym and has the boys around his work commitments...How well has he moved on???
I had asked H if we could get together on Saturday night for Dinner to discuus arrangements for the children, but he couldn't have wanted to because he deleted the email without replying. I text him again to say i would be flexible with the arrangements, however I wanted a more rigid arrangement, i wanted him to have them alternate weekends, pick up from school on a friday and drop off on a Sunday at 11.30 am, he ignored that text message as well. He now has time on his hands because he has phoned me at work this morning and wanted to go through the arrangements, I said i can't at work i'm to busy, so he wants to sit down this week and thrash it out, he said he will write down his work commitments...!!! Hello, this isn't all about him, how selfish ...I will work around his work commitments mon - fri, but the weekend is when we run our business, I said in the text that he will need to sort out someone to look after the boys to cover when he has too work over the weekend, (he said previously that it was our business, we both benefitted, if he had to find someone to look after the boys, they would be paid from the business - fine suits me)because I wanted to know I had free time coming up so that I could make plans for when I haven't got them. That sounds fair to me? Am I been unreasonable? He has every night where he can go home alone, makes no decisions about tea, very little household chores/shopping, no homework, no dropping off and collecting from after school activities....
It going to be hard to DB this week and act as if because it seems as if everyting has been sorted for him, his only concern is the boys and when he can see them, he doesn't appear to be considering me at all???
Any nuggets of wisdom??
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I dont' see why you have to do all the driving, he should be responsible for picking up kids a certain day after an activity. Hope you can work something out, just remember not to seem defensive or put off, I know you are not happy with the sitch, but the calmer you are the easier things will go. When my H was out of the house he never considered me, always happy to be out and about, sadly, this is "normal" when a man leaves the home. At least he is caring for the kids. Don't bend over backwards to accomodate him though, you'll end up expecting him to do so and will be resentful when he doesn't.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Received H's work schedule. He is been completely flexible, wants the boys the whole time he is not working, that kind of makes me feel a bit upset, not that he wants the boys, but it seems as if he just wants them, not me and that i'm only good to childmind them while he works.
H has become a bit like a stalker: from 10.00pm last night until lunch time today i received 4 texts, 3 calls (2 I ignored) and 4 emails...What is going on with him?? It was all communication regarding the business or xmas presents or to see how the boys were last night but i never had this much communication from him in the last 6 months....I just don't understand his behaviour.
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
I have spoken to H regarding access for this week, that was sorted out very amecably. It does seem to me that H wants the kids the whole time he is not working (normal i guess) but I just feel that I don't matter, i'm worthless but good to childmind while he is at work and that if right now something were to happen to me it would be no great loss to him. I'm sure he would be really hurt if he thought that was what I was thinking. I know I need to re-build my own life to become a better more whole person.
One thing I have learnt is to not rush into anything, be that decisions or answers. I also need to listen more. My H said last night that a co-worker asked him if he was ok because he didn't seem himself. I didn't say anything for fear of saying something sarcastic (old behaviour) what I should have said was something like 'maybe your co-worker thought you seemed a bit distracted', but i have never thought that quickly, unfortunately.
Bought a book today called 'getting back together' - how to reconcile with your partner and make it last.
I was going to join the new KLA group, but didn't get the CD's in time. So will read the posts for now.
I believe the separation is giving me space from the pressure of being in a needy & unfulfilled R and I hope I will become much stronger over time, although atm i'm so busy that I don't have time to sit and reflect on the R and what was our individual behaviour that got us to this point was. Right now I don't know how i feel. I read recently that 'it was better to alone than lonely with a man' and that sums up how I feel, I have not had affection or a bond/connection with my H since our son was born 4 years ago, so the R justs feels the same except that H is not living under the same roof, although communication is getting better (not R stuff tho). I hope the S helps him realise that he still loves me deep down and would like in time to get back together. Hope that make sense?
One thing i don't understand with H is the amount of communication we have now. Over the last 6 months he hardly contacted me at all. Now he contact me so much that sometimes i want to shout 'leave me alone, give me space'.....He seems to contact me over anything and everything. I don't contact H at all unless neccessary or to thanks him for something kind he has done.
I don't know if i'm making progress or not, I really don't know what to think????
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
but I just feel that I don't matter, i'm worthless but good to childmind =============== He is too busy reinventing himself and figuring out what he wants, he's taking time appart from the R, dont' beat yourself down for that ok?
About him communicating so often, just do what you are doing, dont' answer all the calls and emails inmediatly, I wonder if in some way he is beginning to realize what he is missing , it could be a good thing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Had a bit of a wobble yesterday. H called me at work to say that a couple of colleagues knew we had split up, it will be only a matter of time before it gets to my dept. Our receptionist is the worst gossip ever. I feel like sending an email to them all to tell them and put a stop to the gossip before it starts but i'm not going to.
Also H told me that his female friend - the one I thought he was maybe emotionally involved with - had left her husband....I hope you can imagine my panic!! It turns out he has been deceiptful and physically abusive she had been living with her sons in one room with sofa pushed up against the door, she had to get out.
The advice everywhere i read is that boundaries need to set early in a S. We hadn't done that, we were just dealing with problems as they arose, but the news that she had left her H sent me into complete turmoil and I was making up things in my Head!!!!
Anyway, I had to say something to H which I wasn't ready to say at this point. I told him I would find it really difficult to cope with right now if he was seeing ow or anyone. H said he wasn't seeing ow or anyone and the last thing he wanted was a R? XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
well, it is still nobody's business, if it comes up you don't have to give out any details, just change the topic of conversation after a short "we have some issues for now".
It's good you mentioned that (seing others), his response is the best you are going to get, dont' let your mind work overtime ok?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
