How Long?

[RedHeadWife]

Everyone seems to ask this question: How long before I can trust my spouse again after they have cheated on me? How long before I feel like things are truly "ok" again?

This question is asked over & over again here on this forum. I thought I would give my insight and then everyone else can give their insights as to what they have experienced in their personal sitch as far as this question goes.

My H had numerous A's, beginning years ago. I now understand that he was looking for something that was missing in our M and instead of trying to communicate to me what he really needed and wanted from me, he chose to try to find it somewhere else. I also have an 'insider's' view, as I ended up having somewhat of an EA of my own and can now understand how it can happen and why.

As far as 'how long' does it take? I think it comes down to US, the cheated upon, the left behind spouse and how we CHOOSE to feel.

I still have up and down days. At first, when H was first deployed this past May, I constantly wondered if he was still 'talking' to his latest EA/OW. As time went on, and I began to really KNOW that H was serious about our M and us staying together, I quit worrying so much.

I finally came to a few things in my mind: I could not allow it to happen again, and H knows this. It will be HIS CHOICE whether we honestly give our M another chance and he KNOWS how good it truly can be now. If he were to choose to cheat again, I would not want to continue trying to work out our M. But, on the other hand, I also don't dwell on that either.

Just this past weekend, he was very stressed w/ work and his tone was different on the phone. I began to wonder & worry that he was 'doing something' again. I then realized that he has ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to be 'doing anything' anymore. Things are wonderful w/ us, whether it's long distance or not, and I think I have finally wrapped my mind around the fact that, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, GUYS & GALS: if things are good w/ us and our M, he has no reason to look for anything, emotional or physical, outside of the M.

So, the bottom line, in my opinion, is we each have to choose to trust our spouse again. I don't even know if being able to look at each other's email, cell phones, etc. even matters. I think that once we feel 'safe' again in our M and our spouse is truly showing how much they appreciate and love us again and we continue to just love and support our spouse, we will get to the point where we worry about it less and less.

I can tell you though that every day 'little' things can bring parts of the whole sitch crashing back into your mind and it is going to be up to you as to how you deal w/ it. Are you going to let it override your happiness and allow yourself to start dwelling on everything again? Or are you going to say, yep it happened, it sucked, but we are moving on and that is the PAST.