There and Back #12

[SallyM]

scary, isn't it, how feelings you thought were so far behind you, something you would never deal with again, are suddenly right there againg.

I don't have a lot of alone time in my history...maybe that's part of my problem. I've been in relationships since I was 15, fairly steadily, maybe a total of 2 years time on my own that whole time (added altogether). no terrible blind dates or lonely nights, just a sadness at letting go of someone I cared about. even if I initiated the breakup, it sucked. it was easier than when the guy did, but it was never, ever easy.

the career stuff, on the other hand, is huge. I worked, don't get me wrong, but never found anything I loved or felt passionate about. that is the highest priority for me now. no, I dont have to go to work tomorrow, won't even be compelled to under MA law until my twins (now 3) are 7, so I have a little time. (knock wood, assuming h continues to pull in the $ he does now, of course, and doesn't have a heart attack because of all the stress this has put him under...his words, btw, ass). still, its a reality for my future, something I certainly didn't expect to have to deal with again. but hopefully therapy will help with that, and doing my own soul searching and research. its a whole new chapter. but damn, its scary. trying to think positively, though...thinking of it as an adventure, as opposed to having the rug ripped out from under me.

h just called to say goodnight to the kids and I think he had me on speaker. gag. wonder if ow was in the room. ick. maybe to prove to her that we aren't "too friendly" or something. whatever.

it is what it is. his loss.

just wish the loss I'm faced with didn't hurt so damned much.

okay, back to concentrating on my blessings.

[SallyM]

I did it!

I decided to tackle the storm door. I've been irritated at H about not replacing it. no, I didn't ask him to, so I have no reason to be irritated with him, really. I mean, why expect him to do jack around here, right? why expect him to notice the screen is still in instead of the storm, and its november and freezing.

anyway, I first thought I'd see if I could get the screen part out, figuring if I at least did that, even if I couldn't get the glass in, he'd either notice tomorrow and be a gentleman and ask me if I wanted help with it, or else I would have my friend or her h help me with it. either way, it needs to be done. so yeah, passive aggressive, but with a backup plan. lol.

the screen was really easy to take off. its not a bunch of bolts like our last house's was, it was held in by some springs that once you hit the tabs, it realeased really easily. I took that downstairs and grabbed the glass and voila, I did it! took me a minute, it was heavy and I was worried it wasn't quite popped in, but I did it, all by myself.

I am woman, hear me roar.

next up, tackling the shed roof. anyone have any favorite do-it-yourself websites? I've talked to the guys at home depot, but it was all gibberish. I just need to fix the crest, or whatever you call it...the peak part. it blew off in a wind storm at the beginning of summer. time to stop thinking h will ever get around to fixing it, I need to figure it out myself.

anyone? anyone?

[LooseThread]

I'm here Morgan!

Very proud of you about the door. I'm not quite sure what a storm door is though. Is it an insert in the door that you have a fly screen for summer and then swap it with something solid for winter?

[LL44]

You go girl. Here's how you fix the roof, its very simple: Call someone.

[SallyM]

thanks, casey! its such a silly thing to be proud of, but I am. and yes, that is exactly what a storm door is. its nice because you can keep your regular door open at times....let fresh air in via the screen, or just let sunlight in via the storm.

lwb, wish I knew someone to call. I did talk to a woman I know and asked if she knew anyone, she said she thought she might. she is really flaky though, and I haven't heard anything since. I will see her today or tomorrow and will ask her again.

well, back to reality. school/gym/housework/play/dance/etc, ssdd.

H may or may not come over tonight, will know this afternoon when he sees how work is going. if he comes, I'm getting some extra cardio in at the gym.

not much else to tell. just trying to take things one day at a time.

[nephartiti]

Morgan,

Good for you on that storm door! It is so empowering to take on something that H used to do, isn't it?

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on the shed, but I'm sure you will figure it out.

Have a great day.

[SallyM]

yep neph, it is empowering. I'll tell you, though, I'm sick as all get out on being empowered every tuesday when I haul to freaking garbage to the curb. lol.

sigh. one thing ow has going for her, she'll never have to touch garbage again. h is wonderful at dealing with it. now he just sits back and watches me do it if he's here. nice, huh? ass.

sorry, a little detour there.

I e-mailed h earlier asking if it would be okay if I let him know next week about my thoughts on where to roll the pension. in the same e-mail asked him if the oprah tape was at ow's house, if he would bring it tomorrow. if its at his mom's house, would he please tell her where it is and I'd arrange to get it from her.

haven't heard from him on it, instead got an e-mail forward from him on freaking cookie recipes. ????????

yeah, I don't get it, either. oh, wait, its because he is being kind and considerate and knows how much I love baking with the kids. guessing I'll get my answer on the other stuff someday, this was more important.

wow, that's sounds more bitter than I feel right now.

I vaccumed down in my basement today...it all looks sooooo much better than it did. so nice and neat and put away and such. I definitely have more to do, but like i said, taking a break from the sentimental stuff, even non-h sentimental stuff isn't good for me. I did, however, put the poem I wrote about my college boyfriend on my mirror on my vanity. its a poem I wrote about an attraction that was really powerful for me, but we were both seeing other people at the time, so it couldn't go anywhere (novel idea, huh?).

I remember those emotions so well...that electric charge. I'm guessing that's what h feels with ow, so trying to remember that. yes, our eventual break-ups with our bf/gf was difference than ending a marriage, but still, there are some similarities its good for me to remember. I have a lot of guilt about breaking up with the bf I broke up with in order to see college bf, but I did it cleanly, I didn't treat him like garbage and such, like H has done. but I also remember very clearly how annoying I thought old bf was being...so needy, so clingy, like velcro, only worse...god, the crying, the anger, the rebukes, it all just was awful and made me want to run from him even further than I did. nothing he did would have changed things for me. there was zero he could have done, I would have been thrilled if he had acted as if or gal or any of the stuff I've been doing here. I would have been THRILLED for him to see someone, and when he finally was, I was genuinely happy.

so going to keep that poem up for a bit, to remind myself of this time and these experiences.

[SallyM]

finally heard from him. not coming tonight (good), will bring the tape tomorrow (mixed). mixed because I'm happy to get it back, but now I know it was at ow's house and I have this vision of them watching it together. and honestly, yeah, if I were in his shoes, I'd sure like my new love to watch it with me, to comfort me if I needed it, to brainstorm with, to figure things out with.

but damn, makes me sad. yuck.

I don't think they've even watched it. she's probably convinced him it isn't necessary, having raised a perfectly normal 6 year old as a child of divorce with no issues. after all, as h has told me, everybody (or a whole lot of people) does it, its practically the norm.

damn.

still in acceptance, but there are times like this that just makes it hard again. those glances from side to side, instead of straight ahead.

like the holidays coming up. I have a pretty good idea as to how they will be, and I have some nice visions in my head and feel pretty okay in general. but then someone on another board did a poll about when people take down their christmas stuff. we always do it january 1. we watch football, recover if we did anything the night before, chill out, and take down the tree.

funny, I'm okay putting the tree up on my own (with the kids "helping" some). but taking it down, wow, that just sucks.

okay, not much of a pity party, just a small one. a few h'ors d'oevres, nothing too fancy. kind of a chip and dip pity party.

sniffle.

well, off to get some more outside play time in. hopefully will boost my spirits again.

[care]

So M, since you're concerned about the holiday traditions and how they'll be different this year, why not plan for a change. For instance, you said that you and H normally take down the tree on Jan 1st. Plan on doing it the following weekend, or take down a little each day. Tuesday the ornaments, Wednesday the lights, etc... If you plan on a change then when your normal way of doing this didn't happen, you had a new way of doing things planned for a while.

And regarding the tape you asked H to return. You have no idea if he watchted it, if he watched it with OW, or not. Stop speculating. You're driving yourself nuts with that. Use the stop sign trick. Personally, that never worked for me. I had to physically start doing something else to get my mind redirected. But do what works for you to stop those thoughts and switch them to something that helps you.

Hope you got to enjoy the afternoon. I took S11 to get braces. Woo Hoo.

[SallyM]

thanks, care.

I like the idea of spreading out taking down the decorations. see, it helps me to visualize something. makes it easier, less to dread.

you are right about me not speculating. I need to stop that. just missing my h today I guess. not missing the man I've seen for a while now, but the man he used to be, the way we were together. I miss him, and am a little melancholy. not about lifestyles or fear of being lonely today like it was yesterday, this is just me missing him.

I suppose that's normal. even accepting what is, there is bound to be some sadness now and then. going to ride the wave out, and keep on going forward, and will try the stop sign technique (or even just saying stop!, that usually helps) if I find myself spiraling a bit instead of wave riding.

hope your son isn't too sore. ouch. soup, smoothies, scrambled eggs. and wine for mommy to deal with the bills. ouch. (h and I both had braces, our kids will all most likely need them...yikes!).