I've read these boards for months now debating if posting my story would be beneficial (for others and me). I've been in so much pain lately that I can't help but think this will help. There are so many kind and knowledgeable people; I'm hoping some will have encouraging words for me.
My story: My W and I met April 1992. We dated for four and half years and married December 1996. Our first son was born Dec 1998 and our second Dec 2000. We moved a lot because of my job. April of 2005 we moved for what was supposed to be the last time, to settle down, near family, in a small town in the Northwest and raise our family. We decided to build a house. We lived in my parent's basement during the construction. My W got along great with my parents, but I now realize even if you get along great a W still needs her space. I thought we had the perfect marriage. We had so much in common, never fought, and had lots of fun together. Many of our friends and family complimented us on how great we were together. Half way through the home building experience, and 15 years into our R, my W announced that she no longer wanted to be married to me. Through many talks the fundamental reason is she doesn't have passion for me any more. She has felt for some time that making love felt more like an obligation than a desire. We continued to live in my parent's basement and completed the house despite the awkward situation. April 2007 we moved in and I had so much hope things would turn around. They didn't, so in August my W signed a one year lease on an apartment and moved out. I was lonely while she was in the house with me, but when she moved out the loneliness got worse. We split the boys 50/50 and the weeks she has them are the worst. I read Divorce Busting many months ago and have tried so hard to apply the last resort technique. It's comforting to read that others often struggle with what one would think was a simple task (until feelings enter into the picture). I hoped and prayed every day and night that things would turn around. This week my W sent me a letter explaining she had no feelings left for me, I should move on and start dating others, our life together was over. She was happy with her new life. She was sorry for hurting me, but she has to explore a life she thinks she will be happy with. I imagine others are in as much disbelief when they find themselves in this situation as I am, but it is still hard for be to believe this is my (our) life. A year ago we were excited about our new house, settling down and raising the boys, and enjoying being close to family. Now we are on the doorsteps of divorce, my W would like to move to LA, and my life is no fun. I feel so lousy most days I have trouble sleeping and focusing on work. I love my wife dearly and so want a fulfilling marriage with her. I wonder often about the following:
Have other marriages been so far down and recovered? My W telling me to start dating others doesn't appear in any of the threads I've read.
Have others found a way to mentally deal with being told by your W she doesn't have any passion for you and hasn't for a long time, that even a hug is uncomfortable and she'll never be able to return my feelings. She told me, "Why would I want to put up with someone who doesn't love me back the way I love them?"
My W has not changed her mind one bit since she announced her intentions a year ago. It's taken her a while to get here, but when I look back her progress has been steady. Unlike so many other threads where the departing spouse occasionally regresses, mine has not. Shortly after she told me her feelings had changed we stopped all love making. We continued to share a bed until about a month before she moved out, but she has progressively distanced herself. Is there any hope when someone seems so determined?
GAL, sounds easy when you read it, but not so easy to implement. I do things, but my wife is constantly on my mind.
