ST, thanks for the encouragement. Yes, quitting smoking is clearly important, and I know I'll spend more engaged time with the kids when I quit---no reason to go outside to "take a break" all the time.
CVA, great to see you here! I'm thinking about you. (((CVA))))
I've been thinking about the conundrum of showing H emotional vulnerability. I've had a couple of thoughts, and I'm curious to get some feedback.
First, I've been wondering for a long time whether H's attraction to COW had to do with her being needy and him wanting to play the savior. He's told me as long as he and I are talking about us he doesn't feel the need to talk to anyone else about it, and I wondered what the heck they spend so much time talking about. It occurred to me that I think H is filling a kind of counselor role for her, talking about all her problems. That rings true. Yesterday a mutual friend told me COW said she wants someone strong, and that resonated again. So I think my initial interpretation was correct.
Second, I'd been thinking, well, I'm not going to be weak, so if that's what he wants, he'll have to look elsewhere. But I think I've been confusing weakness with emotional vulnerability. In fact, I think I've *always* done that, and I've had a real struggle letting anyone be close enough to see me wrestling with any issues, appearing weak.
Third, the question remains: okay, so I'm willing to open myself up, but how? What do I say that's honest? The truth is, I'm not struggling right now with H leaving, not sad, not angry, not much of anything (except tired).
Then it occurred to me that I might share *that* with him, the fact that I'm surprised at how quickly I got to that point and I'm working hard to be sure I'm not stuffing my feelings because they're too painful to face. That last thought is a little scary for me.
I thought I might also say something about my concern about doing the same thing in my next R, express my determination not to use that defense mechanism again and my fear that I might, since it's served me so well for so long.
