Thanks so much for the powerful post frank_D. I was thinking some of those things but my thinking was all mixed up. Seeing your post set me straight. Owe you one my friend.
Long post - but it is worth a journal entry.
Yes, easy to see it when you see it written in one spot to see. Have courage, do the right and honorable thing, and use your intuition to guide you.
That is what I did. No, it was not "act as if" - it was not acting. It was being a man.
Finally.
I called former W Friday night and she first said her GF would pick up the kids Sunday if I could not come. I told her (I did not ask) I was leaving Sat and would be there mid day. She seemed pleased ("I appreciate it") but had the "it is up to you" attitude.
No problem. I will go with unconditional love and no expectations.
The kids and I left Sat and on the way stopped for a birthday present for FIL. He turns 76 Monday - the day they bury his wife of 54 years. MIL had just turned 74.
We got there after lunch; takes about 3.5 hrs. I packed some clothes but I was prepared to leave within the hour to return home if needed.
I met SIL also driving up. She jumped from her car and gave me a big hug. So glad to see me. I went into the house and FIL greated me as a son. SIL #2 also hugged me big.
And so did W. I hugged her tight and wispered in her ear about how special her mom was. For the first time in 20 months she hugged me back, big. But then she immediately withdrew.
No problem. I came with unconditional love and no expectations.
FIL and I went outside on the deck and we talked and talked. Funny, there were no men there, only W and her two sisters. FIL was a leader at his local men's organization and very involved in church. Where was his men support? Folks came and went all day bringing food over (a Southern tradition) but they did not stay long.
So I was FIL's "man" for the afternoon. We talked of many things. He told me how MIL "loved me so much" and never said anything ill about me. He said how he "missed her already" and saw an uncertain future. I said I understood fully; I missed MIL too. He talked of the house - the house they have been in for 40 years. Should he stay there? He said he is so afraid of being lonesome in such a big house. He stopped and looked at me and said "you know what I am talking about Jeff, being lonesome. You must be lonesome sometimes." Yes, I said I did.
That was the only reference to the divorce. Other that that I was his son.
W kept her distance. I had a conversation with each SIL and they really opened up to me about their feelings and there lives. I listened. They both asked about my mother and how she gave them hope b/c my mom had survived a serious illness; but their mom lost the battle. They still wanted to thank her.
W kept her distance. My instincts were spot on. So I pulled W aside Sat night, put my arm around her and told her I was there for her, I asked to spend the night and I thought it best that I leave Sunday before the service. I knew she would have plenty of support, she looked uncomfortable, and she needed to mourn her mother - but not me. She seemed glad. She then thanked me for interacting with FIL.
That broke the ice - she was more comfortable - but still at a distance.
Sunday was more of the same. More talks with FIL. At one point he asked if I wanted breakfast. I said no b/c it would not be the same without MIL's biscuits (hers were the best). He liked that remark even though it slipped out.
I was just being me, no acts. I am through acting to get validation from others.
Still, no men callers. These guys need to come here to learn about how men support each other.
When I left, my FIL could not let go. He teared up. One SIL did not understand why I was leaving.
I said goodby to W. I just wanted a quick hug since I got one before. Instead I got a bear hug. I hugged back. She waved and waved as I drove off - FIL appeared to be emotional.
A "superior man"? Far from it. But I feel good. I took a chance and did what I thought was right. No expectations. Yes, I could have stayed and maybe I could have "scored some points". But this is not a game and something was guiding me.
I believe I did the right thing, and I am pleased with me. I will miss MIL and my talks with FIL - priceless.
Plus I silenced the little boy - the boy who wanted to say to her family: take W out back and beat the stuffing out of her so that she can see ..........
I shead some tears on the way home - I understood the meaning of Strength and Honor.
