Now I've done it...again #5

[LL44]

I am also sorry about your sister. Sara is right, he might (in his lost fog) be 'paying you back' for the time in jail. You both have anger issues, and it seems you are the only one dealing with it, H is still in denial. And yes, he is completely gone, at least for now. For your sanity, you have to act like he is gone forever. Hard as it is. HUGS

[mkultra]

Neph, I did not realize about your sister and this sad anniversary. neph, I am in no way justifying what your H did, but I think he will realize it was a mistake. He is very confused and he sees these transitional friends as his support. He must know that you support him but for some reason he is still afraid of you. Perhaps the sex is a power thing to see if there is still love and trust between you. I think he did that to be close to you again, to see if there could be forgiveness and trust. I think he feels like a horrible father and the guilt keeps him away. I am not justifying anyone going against the family, which is what he has done, but maybe your past anger and the stalking justify him being talked into doing this stupid stuff. People do things for power, I guess. You must be the calm one, that good old lighthouse again. The thing is, even as I try to justify this, to see his POV, it will alwyas feel like betrayal. He knows that and the guilt and contrition may eat him alive and turn him into a bigger heel. Oh, take care, but please, no more negative spiraling. You know where that takes you. If he is no longer your support , if they are no longer our support system, we need to remember any other positive support. You, me, neighbors, friends, family, dare I say kids, they are so small and fragile? Food, geez, TV, anything, Oprah, I dunno. I wish I could be there to hug you, but I know it will get better. This may be a blow that just happens in volatile break ups. If I could, I wouldthreaten my H's OW too and put her face in the cement, but I am sure she would have my H do the same as yours, so that was just a joke. See whatI have to say even in this forum?

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) neph, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister.

I agree with mk, its hard, but you have to be that lighthouse. steady, calm, unflappable. take care of yourself. I wish I could give you a hug in person, but know i am thinking of you. if you feel like you are spiraling, e-mail me, okay? just take care of yourself. you are more than this.

[nephartiti]

God, please help me be done with him. I know that I have to. If he showed up at my door right now begging for forgiveness, I don't know if I'd have the strength to tell him to leave. Fortunately, I know he will not be at my door. The point is, I have no strength when it comes to him. He knows it. He knows he can take advantage of me in so many ways. That has to stop.

I still have a whole bunch of his things here and mail. Eventually, I will have to deal with him. When I file, he will have visitation rights on paper.

Yes, I know part of him wants to get me back for him going to jail. This is his biggest grudge against me. Plus he still says I may "provoke" him again. He said this again on Wednesday.

Thank you everyone for checking on me. I will get through this.

[SallyM]

neph, send his mail to him, pack his crap up and set it on the porch and pick a time for a friend of his to come by and get it...not him. of if him, make sure a sherriff or someone else is there while he is there. he's playing a game that scares me. I would not go near him for anything, personally.

again, you know him, I don't. just be careful, okay?

[nephartiti]

I retained a lawyer yesterday. He is sending a letter that I will not be making a statement. He is also calling them on a jurisdiction issue. They filed the report in the city by the school, not where they live. The lawyer is hoping they have better things to do, but, technically, they have a year to pick up the case. Then I'll get to go to trial. Yipee. He says I may get probation and community service IF I am convicted. He has never ever seen anyone serve time, but, technically, the max sentence is 6 months. Lovely huh?

So a friend of mine and I went to drop off H's stuff at his aunt's house. I specifically didn't call because I did not want to see him. Even if no one was home, I knew I could put everything in the front yard.

Unfortunately, he was there. I don't know wth he was doing there. Damn him and damn me too because I lose control everytime I deal with the SOB. I was fine at first. I was just unloading his stuff. He came outside. We just glared at each other. He didn't lift one single box. We had a whole truck load, mostly heavy boxes of books. About half way through I started shaking. It was horrible. He was just watching. I wanted to smack him.

I told him I was going to press charges from when he hit me and he would have to pay for my tooth. He said ok. He could tell I was upset. He said "My family is watching." I said "good, let them watch". I got more and more worked up. I started just dropping the boxes off the truck onto the ground. It was ugly. He just stood there. Then his cousin came out and was just watching too.

I told him I knew he went to the police station with her, that they told me. Then I said to his cousin, "you guys still believe he's not cheating? I have proof now. When ____ comes out of the wood work, you'll know she's the one."

Then I really did it. Before we left, I was standing in the middle of the street yelling "H and Ow are whores." I pointed at H and said, "He left a four month old baby to be with a whore".

Yup, it was ugly. Yes, I start Anger Management next week. Yes, this doesn't help my case much. He is looking like the sane one while I am a raving lunatic.

I swear I live my day to day life as a normal human being. I handle stressful situations all the time. I am not a nut case.

Why is it that, when it comes to this man at this time, I am so out of control? I was out of control. I really was. Damn me. Damn me. I'm just making things worse for myself. He doesn't care. My screaming at him is just one more piece of evidence for them to use against me. Damn it. WTH was he doing there today? Damn me.

[Sara]

OK, have a drink. I'm sorry. Just slow down.

You are a lunatic because you are trying to do too much. He is despicable, forcing you to lift all those boxes. Too bad you didn't have a dump truck. Did you ask him and the cousin to help?

You have to stop doing this stuff. Don't do anything else related to him. If there is anymore of his stuff just throw it out. If he asks where it is say you don't know....you brought everything to his aunt's house that day. You need to get more passive-aggressive and less plain aggressive.

I doubt he and OW will be able to play that "we're so wonderful because we are teachers" card very well. Here in FL they are arresting teachers right and left for sex with students. It's not surprising to anyone that some teachers can be sexually perverted. And on that subject, how do you know that he and the BF and OW are not having a menage a trois?

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) neph, honey, you have got to stop. make sure you give your lawyer a heads up on what you did, and please, just step back, take care of yourself. take care of your babies.

[Sara]

Neph,

I sent you an email.

[nephartiti]

I did tell my lawyer. He said I haven't committed a crime. It shouldn't hurt me too much, but he said I should avoid any further incidents.

I'm at my breaking point. I don't know how much more I can take. I know I am being my own worst enemy right now. I feel like a runaway train. Maybe H is right. Maybe I am crazy.

I swear my life was normal not too long ago.