Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

Hey Azhira,

In the past several days since I last posted here, life has been topsy-turvy on my end. I almost miss the boredom and anticipation of those two weeks I spent in forced isolation.

Hard to believe now that I was worried that my XW might never talk to me again. One thing we have done a lot of this week is talk--including several face-to-face conversations at her house. What's different than before is our topics: child-rearing, OM, dating, intimacy. But I had higher priority issues that I wanted to address with her.

As a result of prayer, Bible study, meditation, and a reminder from Michelle, I quickly came to the realization that I needed to forgive and be forgiven. I regularly ask God to forgive my sins, but this was different. This time, I needed to be forgiven by my XW for the long litany of failures and offenses which contributed to our marital disharmony. Until I received her forgiveness, I feared I would never achieve real inner peace. My guilt for the damage I caused to our relationship would torture me relentlessly.

On the other hand, I couldn't seem to rid my heart of the intense bitterness and resentment I felt toward my XW for abandoning me, crushing our kids' joy, and mistreating me through the legal system. I knew that I needed to forgive her in order to defuse the emotional charge I had built up. It mattered not that she never asked me for it; or that she still refuses to accept her "share" of responsibility for our failures. Even if that never happens, I needed to let my XW know that by forgiving her, I hope to release her from any lingering guilt she might have been carrying around.

For some time now, I have tried to force myself to change some of my long-held personal opinions or concepts about my XW. I had this notion that I should try to purge from my mind any obsolete or inaccurate data (false memories, gossip, rumors, misconceptions, etc.) which may have tainted my perceptions of who my XW really is now. My intention is to see my wife with a "new set of eyes", the way another man might--and the way I did early in our courtship, when I was still forming opinions about her strengths & weaknesses, talents & handicaps.

I don't know if this idea is ill-conceived, beneficial or even possible. It may be nothing more than "psycho-babble". But, there seems to be a difference in the tone, length, and subject of our conversations since I have tried to put this idea into practice. Months ago, there were several "flash point" topics that would inevitably escalate into emotional arguments. The outcome was so predictable that we both understood that some things were just off-limits.

This week, we have managed to discuss some issues that have needed to be addressed for a long time. We didn't reach resolution on most of them, but at least this time the discussions were concluded peaceably. (That outcome is probably more important to me than my XW. I crave any interaction with her--even if it's just verbal.)

OK, I should probably interrupt my narrative at this point to ask for clarification about the merit of my actions. I want to tell you all about our "juicy" conversations--I think you'll find some of them interesting and relevant--but I'm reticent to proceed in this post. (I sense I'm about to enter a minefield, but that might just be my paranoia.)

Several weeks ago, MRHIGHSPEED offered the following advice:

The thing is, by focusing everything on its potential to win her back from teh dead IS obsessive...So, there needs to be no contact aside from what's absolutely necessary. NONE!!! There needs to be some introspection, sould searching, and personal goals on your part.

I don't want to become "obsessive". (Been there; done that.) I am attempting to purge my mind of obsolete beliefs which had limited my capacity to accept my XW--or anyone else--at face value. So, I'm torn between my commitment to DB principles that say I should not be talking to my XW at all, and my intuition (or ego)--which tempts me to engage her in conversation, as long as the result appears to be positive (meaning I'm gaining valuable information from her about a lot of topics which we have avoided till now, or that XW shows signs of a willingness to continue talking on "good terms").

So, am I tempting fate and ignoring expert DB advice by continuing to talk to my XW when the opportunity presents itself? If I'm hurting my future chances with XW in any capacity by engaging in "innocent" flirting or banter, I'll go dark immediately. Please advise...