I got an indication this morning of just how wide the gulf is between W and I.
I've been taking our S's to church and Sunday School nearly every week since our separation. W works weekends, so she rarely gets a chance to join us - usually no more than about once a month.
Today as I am driving our S's to today's service, she calls me on the cell phone to say she finished her morning patient early and could squeeze in joining us for Church. My first thought, for all but a millisecond, was "Yeaaay", but it was immediately followed by a sense of annoyance. I feel no spiritual connectedness with this person anymore, especially given what she has become. Part of me is immediately glad for her soul she's at least showing up, but the other part of me is beginning to almost loath this stranger imposing herself on what is usually a very peaceful and spiritually upliftng time for me.
It's like the lyrics from Rascal Flatt's song, "I Don't Want To See You Anymore":
Quote:
...I love it when you're with me, But I'm better when you're gone...
W showed up today just as the church service was beginning. As per her usual MO of late, she planted herself on the opposite side of our son(s) from me, even when there's space available next to me. No big surprise there.
In the middle of the service, usually right after the offering, they call for the older children to go off to what they call "Children's Church." That's when S6 usually goes for the remainder of the service (S2 is doing well in the 3 & 4 year old nursery.) W or I will escort S6 down the hall to the room where these children are to stay, if no other adult is actively collecting them. When W returns usually, in returning back to her seat in the main service, she never closes the gap between us, the extra seats that our S's had occupied remain empty between us. If I am the one who has taken S6 to his class, when I return I find a bible or hymnal or two taking up the seat I might have once taken next to my wife. She's been keeping her distance fairly consistently in these last four months.
Today was a little different. This time when she escorted S6 to his Children's Church class, she never returned. Her seat remained empty and the printed program/announcement flyer she had been given originally remained unmoved in the seat where she had left it. Up until that point I was really feeling pretty peaceful and somewhat blissful, as I was successful in not giving W too much focus. But then she disappeared. We were all served Holy Communion, we had a sermon, we sang hymns, we had a speaker -- and yet my W was absent.
I chalked it up to maybe she got a phone call from a patient. Or that S6 had had a problem going into his class and she stayed behind with him for some reason. The latter was not so likely as S6 had not had an episode like that in years. Whatever the reason, I continued to try to enjoy the service as if she had never shown up at all.
At the end, however, I stood up and began to walk towards the exit, and then I saw her -- she had returned to the main service after all, but this time she had decided to take a seat at the back of the church, as far from me as she could. She came over to me to tell me to pick up S2 and she would get S6, then she turned tale and scrambled out.
Really, do I have leprosy or something? I was nothing but peaceful and pleasant the whole time, so what practical reason could she have for such behavior? I guess I know now. I don't think I am being overly sensitive about this either (please correct me if I am wrong), it just sucks how she now thinks so ill of me all of a sudden, after 17 years of being together.
I said nothing to her about this, but there is nothing left to be said -- her message was painfully clear.
