Long time without posting and this is a big week: Divorce week -Thursday in court.
I am okay and I am not okay. The divorce falls one month before our 30th wedding anniversary. I am so sad that this has to happen - and has to b/c my h has forced the issue so here it is. When I count my blessings, I hope that this is a step forward for me, and a way to quit hanging onto something that is not to be. I have been waiting for three years for this to turn around and it has not. I think I did okay on the DB stuff though there have been times that I was quite upset with myself for screwing it up by saying the wrong thing here or there, for overdoing the contact, or for letting go so much that there is not enough contact. In the end, this is one guy who just did not want to come back.
I have read about those who DID come back, and I think that it has not so much to do with the LBS, but with the proclivities of the one who left and changed their mind. Or didn't. Mine didn't. I really and truly think there was just not much I could do. I am sadddddd.
Meanwhile my h has disappeared out of my life like a slow trickle. He was a droplet and I used to see him every week or two. Now a month or more will go by and no sign of him.
My h used to be someone who adored kids. Now he ignores our grandson (who is the light of my life). Maybe my h still adores kids, just other ones in his new life and new family.
My h has been 'nice' if you ignore the fact that he left his wife, responsibilities, house, in-laws, friends, and is now only loosely connected to his children. But he has not been mean and has settled for a divorce agreement that is in my favor. Maybe if he was awful I could have set him up as a demon and let go more easily. Maybe if our marriage was not a good one I could have been more able to say I am now better off. But this is what I got - a great marriage and a nice guy who just walked away.
My life goes on. I sound upset and I am - this will be a difficult week. I am doing a lot of babysitting for my grandson who is living w/ me along with his parents. He was born with a brain injury but is thriving in so many ways, and has been the fortunate recipient of wonderful early intervention care. It is an adventure and a joy to be involved with him. He is also the most challenging toddler I have ever known and it is not easy to have him around all the time. My life has not been too full of activity besides my home for now.
OTOH - I did go on a fabulous trip a month or so ago to the wedding of my niece in Israel. She was married in an oasis in a palm grove in the desert, with the mts behind her and the full moon rising. She arrived on a camel, and after the ceremony, we ate and danced thru the night. Worth the journey to be there.
So this is my sad update. This week will pass. I am lucky to have a roof over my head, a great family, and happy memories. Am I standing?? Don't think so b/c after three years I can't put my life on hold any more. I have not been just sitting around, but standing is waiting. For me it is not sane to stay there. And I don't know who that guy was who left me. He is very far gone. The one I loved would hold me, care for me and support me. The shell I see occasionally is not that guy. He seems to have disappeared into the ether. Too late, too much time, to far away. But I am sad for what I thought my life was going to be. It has not become what I want it to be.
I went thru a period of a kind of euphoria, when I realized I could actually be happy, that I was surviving. That seems to have passed as the routine of my life settles in.
What is next is to survive this week. Then pick myself up and go on. xxx Amy
