Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[LoginName]

so, I'm tired, I'm feeling a little weird, mixed. We had a breakthrough a couple of evenings ago. Yay.

She called me. She told me her feelings for me were back; she loves me, she misses me.

I sent her a 5 page email that I had been working on, concerning what I thought, felt, and asking her what she was thinking and feeling. She read it, it made her cry, she loved it. We have started, perhaps, really talking.

So the next couple of days, she has called me at least twice a day (used to be we'd talk every other day or less). She says I love you everytime.

Yay! The core of DB works; GAL, PMA, detach, give her space.

but I've mixed feelings. What happened? I feel relieved. I feel I can breath easier, or at least differently. But maybe I was getting used to being alone, thinking of myself as alone. Maybe I enjoyed the flirting that happened, the possibilities. I'm a nervouse about facing the new stage with the new problems and issues. I think I enjoyed thinking of myself as special, facing such a huge problem bravely, somehow important.

I'm worried about living with her again, when it happens. Will she find my snoring, habits, morning breath too much to deal with? Will she judge me and find me lacking and think she made another mistake? Will I? I mean, she stacks the dishwasher all wrong! It's nice living alone and not worrying what anyone else thinks - just doing what you want how you want to.

And will demaens rear their ugly heads? What if I see something that reminds me of last october and the OM? She finds it hard to believe I'm not super angry and hurt by that. Of course, I am, but not nearly as much as she thinks. If I show any anger or hurt, will she run off and say "see, I can never make it up to you, you can never forgive me"?

We had sex issues. Will we ever ML again? Will I think of the OM and what they did? Worse, I worry we'll go back to the loveless and affectionless marriage we had (it wasn't devoid of love and affection, but not what I wanted and felt I needed). What if I don't find her very attractive, or she me?

To sum, she said ILY! She wants to be with me. I'm happy, and scared. The work never stops. I think this stage may be harder than the one that is just ending.

Hope you're all doing well. I feel a little guilty that I'm having some success while so many are struggling and in real pain. I hope that my success (hopefully not fleeting success) gives others hope. Maybe I can try to help others more now.

take care y'all