it is all in the timing on this one. I would say that you have to use a bunch of discretion. As with anything in DB'ing, if there is pressure involved, in other words forcibly re-directing things according to only your needs, then you are in the wrong and need to bring your self to a stop. Or else bad things will worsen.
So, not that R talks should be considered "plague-like" , cuz their not. But, you gotta both be nearly reading from the "same sheet of music". So in the early going it is very detrimental.
There is my hearty contribution. Hope that gets things a movin on here. Bye and good tidings to all.
I am in the early stages with my WAH. I avoid R talks like the plague (I agree with Tomato that relationship talk itself is not a plague, but it is certainly anathema to saving my relationship at this stage). Why on earth would I invite him to remind me that he does not want to reconcile or that he no longer is in love with me. The moment I told him I accepted his decision, he stopped telling me how happy he was to have left me and started telling me how miserable his life is.
I am glad to avoid this subject with him altogether for the time being.
Just found this thread and wanted to bring it to the forefront again, hoping maybe someone really good with words (Puppy, you out there?) could pop in here and give us some sort of script to use when the WAS starts a R talk? I get that a lot, WAH will make a comment or ask a question, and when I follow his lead and "go with it", it always ends with him getting frustrated and saying, "I just don't want to TALK about this anymore! EVERY time I see you, it's like this!" It'll be going along okay, I don't get an indication that he's getting frustrated, but then, BAM, he's irritated and borderline pissed.
SO, I'm looking for suggestions as to what to say when H starts up. Should I nip it in the bud completely, refuse to talk at all? Or answer his question or comment, then change the subject? I can't let things continue the way they have been, by letting the conversation "run its course". Ends badly every time.
I just think any and all R talk is doomed to fail...especially when we're DBing and there is a WAS...So...when it comes up, I listen briefly, and then just find a way to change the subject as naturally as I can...I NEVER correct anymore - nor do I try to defend myself or change her POV.
A T recently told me that whenever we defend ourselves the other person feels unheard...and when it comes to R talk - that's the major problem - R talk - and the accusations we hear often lead to our wanting to defend ourselves...and then our partners feel unheard, and the talk has failed - and they leave feeling that nothing has changed...so...when it comes up, I listen...then talk about our baby boy - or about her work or about anything else that she might be doing - or might have mentioned...though I am kind of working from memory here, since we haven't actually "talked" since she moved out in November...but before then, oh boy, I made my share of mistakes by allowing R talk to go on for too long - and defending myself - and trying to have her see a different perspective - it was only in the month before she moved out that I had changed my approach completely...which was also part of the reason I asked her to move out...
