new here. Feel like dying

[ms ladybug]

My screenname is a name that I've always used on other sites. It's in reference to my daughter who loves ladybugs.
Is it disrespectful because I didn't say Mrs? It has nothing to do with my husband.
I honestly didn't know about respect until I read this book. Last night I wrote a list of ways I COULD have and SHOULD have respected my husband.
It includes, keeping the house clean (BIG to my husband), not withholding sex because I'm too tired, my body language (uncross my arms when we argue, look at him when he talks to me). There's more, but this is where I'm going.

I sound desperate because I'm in a lot of pain. I am desperate to have my family back, and to show love and respect to my husband.

It don't think I'll ever forget this pain. I'm just kicking myself for getting us here!

[cat03]

I think she is already down Dom, don't think she needs any more grief.

ladybug, my H is back with me, and even now he still is wondering if things will truly work out, the good thing is that you admit your faults, I was also disrespecting along with nagging and not putting my H first. Even as you become a better person your H will be doubtful for a while.

Also, you need to change for YOU first, then the change will be truly genuine. See yourself as you've never seen yourself before, ask yourself "if my S behaved the way I have, would I have been happy?"

I know things get harder when the kids come, when we as women give them our full attention and assume our Hs will "understand". For the longest time I never did want to understand that children are an addition to the marriage, not its core, your H should b first and you should be first in your H's eyes.

Please read the books I recommended, you need a plan of action to move forward, I know the pain is blinding, but you must fight now, fight your fear, you can be brave, I have faith you can, I will be praying for you, only God got me through, sometimes we have to go through trials by fire to become better people.

[Dom R]

My screenname is a name that I've always used on other sites. It's in reference to my daughter who loves ladybugs.

ok.. but that doesnt change what I said.

I should first write, that I'm not here to bash on you I'm posting here to try to help you in your situation.

Is it disrespectful because I didn't say Mrs? It has nothing to do with my husband.

Your reasons for choosing it, may have nothing to do with your husband. However, if you really do care about your husband's opinion, then please listen to the viewpoint of another man, when I tell you that he would most likely view it as disrespectful.

I honestly didn't know about respect until I read this book. Last night I wrote a list of ways I COULD have and SHOULD have respected my husband.
It includes, keeping the house clean (BIG to my husband), not withholding sex because I'm too tired, my body language (uncross my arms when we argue, look at him when he talks to me). There's more, but this is where I'm going.

Interesting book. That isnt really just about "respect". Half of that stuff, i would say is more about "doing things that make him happy", or in MB terms, "filling his love bank".

It seems like you are mostly talking about ways to change your actions, to show respect.
Which is a good thing!

I'm curious how you FEEL about your husband? Did you feel in the past like you didnt respect him? or that he wasnt "worth" doing things like the above for?

It's tough to play mindreader, but I'm wondering if his comments about "you dont respect me", were based more on the "you dont do all this stuff for me", or more "i get that impression by the way you talk to me[and/or the way you make decisions about things]"

I sound desperate because I'm in a lot of pain. I am desperate to have my family back, and to show love and respect to my husband.

It don't think I'll ever forget this pain. I'm just kicking myself for getting us here!

I think most of us have been in that situation.
I was trying to caution you about the difference between "wanting to make the pain go away(desperate)", vs "really understanding and being ready to make important changes".

[NikB]

Hi msladybug,

I'm sorry you're here, but you're in the right place. I've been at this for over a year now, but I remember that intense pain.

First things first: you have to find ways to stop the pain and begin taking care of yourself. We all know this pain, and you can and will get through it.

I agree that your H would have moved out anyway. You made it a little easier on him by asking him to, but please don't beat yourself up for it. And on that same topic - ALL of us made mistakes in our marriages and all of us regret those. Sometimes it takes a really major shake up like this to wake us up and make us see it. It's frustrating because I wish the person wanting out would express things in a way that we "get it" LONG before it got this bad... I know we all wish that. But, he didn't, and now you're scrambling trying to fix everything in a day. I know the feeling.

You are BOTH responsible for where you are. Don't take it all on yourself. Yes, you're the one who wants to fix it at the moment and that's ok - but don't blame yourself for everything.

Stop scrambling, and be still for awhile. Time and patience are your friends.

As for your H - I completely agree, just leave him alone for awhile. He needs time to cool off first of all, and to think second of all. Don't call, don't email, don't pressure him. If anything comes up where you absolutely need to contact him (i.e. bills, kid related matters) - sounds like you're best off to email rather than call, but keep it 100% business like.

Also one question I have is DO you respect him?? Because if you don't, well, it would be a little tough to show you do. If you do and you just weren't showing it, that's a different story, and I'm glad you are taking steps to figure out how to improve in that area. If you don't - why not? Has he done things that have made you disrespect him?

And that's all I'm going to say about your H for now, because it is truly time to take care of YOURSELF. Let go of what you can't control.

You don't need to answer any of this here unless you want to, but I'm giving you a little "homework" assignment. Get out a piece of paper and start writing down the answers to the following (all of them in the context of YOU alone, not in context of your H)...

- What things do you enjoy doing?
- What makes you happy? (be specific... walking through the park? Playing w/the kids?...)
- Any hobbies you've let go by the wayside?
- What have you done lately to take care of yourself?
- What "girlie" things do you enjoy? (manicure/pedicure? flowers? wearing pretty lingerie?..)
- What have you been putting off that you've always wanted to do, try, see, learn?
- Who do you enjoy spending time with? (besides your H)
- Any friends you've lost touch with? Now's a good time to reconnect.
- Anything you've been putting off that maybe isn't "fun" exactly but would give you a sense of accomplishment? (i.e. organizing the file cabinet, scrubbing the kitchen til it shines..).

Now... once you've done that, you'll have a good list of things to keep your mind off the bad, and shift the focus to the good. Start doing those things. It will be hard at first, it will feel "fake" at first, but do it anyway. Let yourself enjoy it, let yourself feel good.

That's the first step to getting through this.

Also - I see that you're in "Central CA" - I'm in Cali also! I'm near Sacramento. There are a few of us actually. We're planning a little get together in December. Here's a link with more info:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1250527#Post1250527

I know it sounds scary but I hope you'll consider joining us! I've been on a trip to meet fellow DBers and it was one of the best things I've done during this whole sitch. Was it scary? Driving 10 hours to meet 3 other ladies who I rented a house with and had never actually met.. well, yeah, there were some butterflies. But we were all comfortable almost immediately and we had such a great time. It's good to be around people who truly understand what you're going through.

If you ever want to "talk" offline feel free to email me. I'm at nikkib @ surewest.net (take out the spaces). Heck I enjoy road trips... if you're somewhat nearby maybe we could get together and commiserate (or have fun and ignore our sitches entirely) sometime. No pressure, just throwing the idea out there.

((((msladybug))) (in case you hadn't seen it before, that's hugs for you, msladybug).

You'll be ok. Really, you will.

[NikB]

Uhh dom - the ms might have truly NOTHING to do with her H. As in, maybe it's her initials, her daughter's initials, the state she was born in, who knows. I think you're making a huge assumption. Clearly it's a hot button issue for you, but maybe you can believe her that it truly has nothing to do with her H?

[Dom R]

Nikki:
The book she is reading, I believe goes into the issue of how actions and choices may "show disrespect", even if none was intended at the time of the action or choice.

I can quite easily believe that no disrespect was intended by her, in picking the name. I am only saying that choices like that, do "show disrespect" to her husband and her marriage, whether she intended them to or not.

[NikB]

Hey msladybug - how are you doing??? I hope you're ok. Thinking of you.

[ms ladybug]

I'm doing OK. I'm so confused right now.
Here's a summary of my week.
Monday night, dh moved out. Yes, I asked him to in the heat of an arguement. Stupid me.
Tuesday I was a wreck. I called in sick to work. Luckily, my boss is one of my closest friends and completely understanding. I made yet another mistake and called my husband that afternoon. I was crying. I told him I loved him, that I was sorry, all that whole pathetic crap. He told me he didn't care how I felt. It didn't matter to him. He doesn't have to put up with me anymore.
So, the last couple days, I've been doing 180/last chance. When I talk to him on the phone, which is daily mostly because we have a sick baby and are being referred to specialists for him, I keep the phone conversations very professional, and I always initiate ending the phone call.
So, last night, he calls and after I tell him all I needed to about the baby, I say, "OK, well, I'll talk to you later" in order to end the call. He says, "is that all?" I say, "yep."
Then he acts a little put off, and gets off the phone.
Again today, he calls regarding a clothing donation at his work for the fire victims in SD.
me: I put together the clothes to donate, and I'll leave them by the front door.
him: OK great. I'll come by to pick them up tomorrow.
(long pause of silence)
me:Ok, I'll talk to you later.
him: OK...you know for someone who said they cared so much, you sure keep our phone calls short.
me: What do you want?
him: Well, I'm not coming back home, but it would be nice to know that after 7 years of marriage, that you love me and care about me.

????!!!!!

me: J, I DO love you. You told me you didn't care about how I felt. So, what did it matter if I tried telling you.
him: I guess it doesn't matter.
me: if you ever want to talk, we can.
him: I tried talking to you for 7 years. Why does it take me moving out, for you to want to talk to me?
me: I don't know.
him: Well, you better think about it.
me: I guess I took things for granted.
him: I need to go get ready for work. Good-bye.

Now, what do you make of that?! I'm trying to do 180/last chance, (not saying I love you, keeping conversations light, initiated ending the calls) but in doing so, he thinks I don't care about him. Yet, a couple days earlier, he said he didn't care how I felt.
And he prefaces all this with, "I'm not moving back home..."

AUGH!!

Do I keep doing the 180? I feel like if I do, he's going to think I don't care.
What does he want? Does he want to see that I'm hurting? Should I show him that I'm hurting? Does he want me to ask him back? And, if he did want that, why would he make it a point to tell him that he's not coming back??
Any insight would be SO appreciated!

[mkultra]

Yes! Yes! keep up the 180's. This man doesneed time to cool off but DBing is the best remedy for you right now so no crying and don't believe the stubborn malarchy. I would listen to DomR. It is so hard because I do not agree with him about the MS. but I am a chick and he is a man and he sees it from the man's POV. Men may never even expres these feelings ever as Nikki stated. they may let it fester and just find a new OW who looks up to them. He is right that after 7 years of marriage you can be freindly. That will fill his love bank. No relationship talk, just friendly. Take your time and set small goals. Please, learn from our mistakes!!!

[Dom R]

ladybug:
"doing 180s", and "last resort technique" are DIFFERENT THINGS. that's why they have different names

"doing 180s" isnt about "not paying attention to him".. UNLESS you have been smothering him.


If you havent been showing him attention/appreciation over the last year... "doing a 180", would actually be, showing him attention and appreciation.

and so on, for the other aspects of your relationship.