Ellie -- I love the email story. I hear so many wonderful things in your M.! Aren't your old posts erased? If so, it's too bad because I would love to go back and read how far you guys have come (in detail).
E-mail accounts and privacy around them has always been a "big deal" in my R. with H. Early on in our M. I really pressured him (ugh) around his private email stuff -- I guess I'm just the kind of person who wouldn't think to keep it private from my H. while H. really felt strongly about having his own "stuff". Of course, I found proof of H's affair through his email account (went to log into mine and his popped up! Honest!) so that just added fuel to our fire....at one point in the early days after finding the A. I yelled at him my username and password and he was just totally unwilling to share his.
Anyway -- you may remember from some of my posts that I'm still really uncomfortable when H. gets on the computer to check his mail. I generally don't even feel as though I can be in the same room (trying to protect his privacy). The other day, he sent me a test email to my account and stood behind me while I logged in. My inbox was there for all to see and it made me stop and think...if he felt comfortable standing there gazing at my inbox how would he feel if I were standing behind him...
anyway, just musing. I love reading your posts (and your advice to others!)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
KML: you're an inspiration! How much kitty litter are you currently carrying? Hee hee.
Thanks for posting over at my place. I appreciate your encouragement.
Note to Sage: whoa, yeah, the privacy issue is a BIG one between me and H right now -- though it really only cropped up since he began to have something to hide. Sore point. I too discovered "what's going on" by reading his email -- at first totally by accident. I was shocked by what I read. I feel a little scarred by it still.
It's good to remember "what goes around comes around" -- as Ellie's H showed by being worried for a minute that she has something to hide.
My H moved out (again) but is staying close to home, and though I don't want to scare the living bejesus out of him (though it's tempting), I do think giving him a taste of his own medicine (not being always available, not letting him know my whereabouts) is making him see the consequences of his distancing COULD mean Bridget will fly away and be free, too.
In conversation now, if I mention a guy's name, my H gets alert and asks "who's that?" -- a real 180 for him. I try not to be coy, but not to give too full an explanation, like "Oh, my friend at work, he's a technician."
After all, H left home so he could date. So WE are free to do so. (Will I date? Hmmm... I'm not sure).
Anyway, enough about me. Just wanted to swing by and see how the surf is at your beach.
Hey Andre - The climb starts on May 29th. Between now and then, it's me and my 20 lbs. of kitty litter H just ordered some crampons for me the other day - next week we're going skiing/snowboarding so I will get an opportunity to learn how to use them.
Ellie, I am so happy for you! Gives me so much hope.
You are doing AWESOME!
I am so much struggling with wanting to trust H and have stability. Your quote (follows) has been a Godsend to me today.
"What I think IS important is being able to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the relationship again. To allow yourself to take that risk again, without putting up defenses that get in the way of true intimacy. Without witholding part of yourself from the R. And I guess this is where all the work on ourselves and loving detachment comes in, because the idea of taking that risk is not quite so scary when you are confident of yourself and your ability to have a good life on your own if necessary. When you are able to see that your spouse's choices are not a valid commentary on your own worth. When you no longer need the security blanket of thinking they will provide all of your emotional needs."
Thank you. Keep up the good work and your H sounds like a great guy.
Hey Ellie! Thanks for the birthday wish! Hope you are hitting the snow right now! We love to ski and the kids are mad we didnt go this year, but with H and his MLC he wasnt sure he could do it. Too much of me goes a long way guess it would be crime to go on a vacation together. Things are going pretty well otherwise- keep up the good life!! Shay
Hi all- Things are still good here. Just had a 4 day visit from BIL - great guy, H had a lot of fun with him. Have to get my taxes done, pack for short business trip to Phoenix with H tomorrow night and for ski trip with the kids starting Sunday.
I must say, it has been really fortunate that H has had all these short, local business trips that I could accompany him on in the past two months. Makes me realize how much our marriage was suffering from simple lack of time together.
Hi, Ellie! You have been the traveling fiend the past week or so, huh?
Hope you had fun and got the much needed quality time with your H! Boy, do we (SBH & I) know that sad song - a 3 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. Two full time jobs, a house, etc. etc. QT is my love language. Didn't really realize how important it was until SBH got that book recently. I knew I loved just spending time with my loved ones (have all my life), just never had the guts to say "I WANT MORE!!!"
well, I'm learning...
I am posting to you to ask you to read my post on the Sadbuthopeful thread I started, called "Sadbuthopeful's SAM" I could use your kind and supportive comments on my perspective of our sitch...But be harsh if you think I need to hear it!
Hi all - back from snowboarding trip. Snow was fresh powder and perfect conditions - can now link my turns, and make it all the way down the green run with only one or two falls! Feel like it really clicked - can't wait to go again. And better yet - the day before we left I went shopping for a board - they were selling the used rental equipment at Sports Chalet - and I got a killer board, bindings AND boots for $79 !! Bargain of the century!!!!
Can't post more now, but things are great here. SBH's SAM - posted to you on your thread. Hang in there, everyone.
and it made me stop and think...if he felt comfortable standing there gazing at my inbox how would he feel if I were standing behind him...
Things are going pretty well otherwise- keep up the good life!!