ScottyMack, thank you for your kind words. I sure hope that your W is getting her act together. I must tell you that it sure did not come overnight for me. It was a very hard decision to make b/c I did not have any yearning for my H at all. It was more of what I knew I had to do morally right and hope that the "feelings" toward my H would follow. We are back to where we were before OM, etc. started up in my life, but we need to be better than that.
Sandi2,
I don't know much about your thread so forgive me if I am rehashing something you have already gone over but......
What made you make your desision? Did you just decide one day? Did you H give you an altamadum?
My W is goingthoght the same thing right now. But on top of it she has lost her job. So she is taking computer classes.
Here is the last letter she wrote me. We are still living in the same house but she sleeps in my son's room.
H,
I guess I can't just ignore the fact that you're trying so hard to reach out to me. Every time I see an email or letter or note, I cringe and wonder "what now". I am not in a good place right now. I have no confidence in myself as far as getting a good job. It scares the [censored] out of me. I need to feel independent, and without a job I feel totally dependent and I hate that. I am concerned about the finances because of the debt hanging over our heads. The job at XXXXXXXX was suppose to help take care of that, but again I got knocked down. First I got sick and lost $8000 in pay, then I got laid off yet again. I am concerned about our son because he seems to have become a loner during last school year. He thinks he's ugly and a loser.
It's not that I haven't thought about our marriage and wish that things could be how they were in the beginning. It would make things so much easier. But I do not have the energy or focus right now to help decide what our next steps should be. I know you need to feel loved and wanted, but I just can't give that to you in the way that you want. I care about you very much and want you to be happy, as I also want to be happy. But until I get a job and feel more secure and confident in myself, I just don't feel I can deal with any decisions about the future of our marriage.
C.
What do you think? I have a plan in place but I would like to hear your opinion.
Thanks Husband
I have a thread here called "where do I belong"
I have been over in infedeity for 6 months under varius threads
Agian thanks H
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Sandi, unfortunately, most problems in M's start with the lack of communication. We start out thinking that everything is wonderful and we talk all the time. Then reality sets in when we have kids and jobs and housecleaning and bill paying and such, that we assume we know what each other wants. After awhile we settle into a routine and are so busy that we start to ignore our S. That is what i think happened in my M. I will have to say that for about 3 or 4 years before the W started in with the OM, our sex life was the best in all our M years. In counseling my W said that she "had" faked it all that time b/c she knew that was her "duty". Bunch of bs, and one of the dont believe anything they say and only half of what they do. I think that your H was probably brought up to believe that sex was dirty and something to do to have kids. This could be his big hangup. And over the years it just got to the point that he didnt know how to initiate sex and when you rejected him at some point, he shut down. Maybe if you would have told him the right way to approach you, things would have been better. As you keep telling me, hang in there and things will get better. I have to tell you the my W and D went to early church this morning, and I am sure she is so full of guilt that she doesnt want me there with her. W drove D's car yesterday to store, which I think was so she could contact OM, and on the way home someone ran into her and smashed the drivers side of the car. She is ok, and I found her talking to someone, probably OM a little while later out in the garage. She didnt know that i saw her, but i hung out in the kitchen and she came in and said that she was talking to her dad about car arrangements. Yeah right! Why would you talk to your dad out in the garage. Anyway, have to go to church at 10. Will fill in about my sitch yesterday later. Take care.
sandi, the "Christian" thing to do is to live the way Christ did, right?
What was his life like?
He suffered. He was hurt by his friends. He felt alone a lot of the time. People came to him for help, but they didn't really know him. He was betrayed.
What was his reaction to all of this? Did he parade around righteously, judging them and condemning those who hurt him?
No, he suffered, he wept, he prayed... and in the end (well, not the VERY end, but the end right before The End), he even felt abandoned by God.
Don't defend yourself to Cemar or anyone. Church or no church, who cares? It's not "Christians" who determine how to live like Christians; it's Christ. The Christian faith is about FAITH, not about what your neighbors say about you. If you want to be a Christian, study the behavior of Christ, when he was confronted with adversity, betrayal, abandonment, and pain. That's your model, not what's printed in some church bulletin, kwim?
I'm sorry if I sounded self-righteous. I sure didn't ever mean to sound that way! A lot of people that go by the name of "Christian" do go around tooting their own horns and if I wasn't already one....they would be enough to probably turn me away. But, "they" are not the reason I chose to become a Christian. I do feel like I have failed because of my involvement with the OM and I felt like Cemar was trying to be obnoxious with that little comment he made, but maybe it is that I still feel so ashamed and too sensitive about it. I know the depression is heavy today b/c I'm here crying as I'm trying to write. Anyway, your post was sweet and I appreciate it.
I just wished that I could go back in time and none of this mess had happened. But, of course, I can't, so I have to live with it. I know I get too sensitive about people always thinking I am the one that should ititiate the sex b/c that is all I have ever heard from my H and frankly, I am sick to death of it! I can't begin to tell you how sick I am of it. I don't know why I bother to try to explain myself to anyone anymore. The way I feel today....I don't care if I ever have sex again or not.
Anyway, thanks for what you said.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, not knowing what your plan is, I hope I don't discourage you. It sounds from the letter she wrote you, that she dreads to hear the next thing you have to say to her. It sounds like she has been getting a lot of them lately. So, my advice would be to back off. That is very scary b/c she has already said that she wanted to leave. But the thing I don't get is that this all sounds too.....shallow. She is doing this b/c she lost her job? Sorry, I don't buy it. I like being independent as well as the next person, but unless there were problems before the job loss I can't believe that was all of it.
You only said that she was going through something like me, but you did not mention another man. Do you think she is involved with somebody else? That was what I had to make a major decision about. I was about to leave my M for a "possible" R with OM. Yes, there had been problems throughout the years, but never had there been OP involved until I met him. But, my personal religious beliefs did a number on me all the time....especially on Sundays. I finally realized that I just could not go on doing what I was doing and stay in Church. I first came to realize that I had to give up the OM, but to actually do it was very hard. So, I wrote him an email and told him that I had to "back away" b/c of my health and nerves, etc. I kind of tested the waters, I guess, b/c I didn't know how he might react to it. He was very sweet and said he understood. So in just a few days, I sent another email and in that I told him that I could not have a PA while I was M and that I should never have gotten involved with him to begin with. That was over three months ago and I have not made contact with him since.
Things would not have worked out if my H had not backed off. He had always given me space.....until he found out about the OM, then suddenly he was smothering me to death. I thought I was going to have to leave just to breathe. I told him that, and he backed off. That is why I think maybe you are pressing you W. If she is wanting to be independent.....you sure don't want to crowd her at this time. Give her lots of space. Read all the advice in the DR book and apply all those techniques. Those are the best principles to go by. You want to look very attractive to her, and not clingly or desparate. Be careful with whatever plan you have b/c almost anything will seem like you are pursuing her.
Today is not a good day for me. Stayed home sick and didn't attend church. So, I don't know that I am giving much advice, but don't give up and if you want to ask me anything else, please do.
Good luck and take care.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, YOU didn't sound self-righteous. I wasn't reproaching you. I was trying to cut you some slack by suggesting that you be kind to yourself and ignore people who are telling you you aren't Christian enough. Sorry if it came across wrong.
Thanks, I will not fill up your thread with my problems after this so I would appreciate if once in a while you can take a look at mine "where do I belong"
Just to answer your questions though Yes My W had an affair with her XBF .What is strange is he was married and having an affair with my When I met her. I believe it was a one time thing but the A$$ hole took pictures and I found them and that is how I found out. He live in another state so it is not an ongoing thing P. As for out sex life it is non existent. Anyway I went through all the begging and pleading and snooping and everything else we all go through. That was 5 months ago. Since then I have sent her letters and notes. (We both still live in the dame house with our 10 yr old son). I have told nobody about what she did. What prompted her to write that letter was that I told her that since she won't talk to me about our R is it ok with her that I talk to her or my sister. That is why she wrote that. Since I received it I have not written anymore. She sleeps in my son's room and is very nice as room mates but I can't live this way too much longer. When I first found out about the XBF she took him to OUR time share. That kind of pissed me off so what I did was figure out all the times she used up and made my own reservations IN VEGAS. This will be the first time I have went somewhere by myself (well so far I may have company). But my plan is to just continue to give her space and work on my self. Then before I leave sit down with her and have the big R talk to find out if she want to work on our M or not. I Figure with us apart it will give us time to think. I will call her and see how things are going while I am away. Again sorry for high jacking your thread.
I'll go back to mine now.
Thanks Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Oh, ok. I guess I am just so depressed today that I can't be objective. Anyway, thanks. I need lots of help and appreciate all the friends I can get on days like this. I hate it and try to fight it, but sometimes, it gets the best of me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey, don't worry about hijacking. This is the only way to hook up with fellow DB on here sometimes. If I understood what your plan is......and I'm not thinking too clearly today, but it sounds okay. I only have one question, why call her while you are in Vegas? And, ok, I have two questions....are you taking a female friend along with you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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