I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[sandi2]

Cemar, that jab about the CHRISTIAN (in all caps, no less) thing to do...was a little below the belt, don't you think? The post was sent to Lilliepearl, but it was about me and it really did hurt for you to say that. In fact, I don't know that I can muster up the energy, after being sick all day yesterday, to make it to Church this morning---since I am such a lousy Christian---what good would it do, right? Maybe I should just take my sign down and forget the whole thing and stop even "trying" to be a Christian. However, that was the only thing that made me stop contacting the other man....even if I may not appear to be the best one in the world....it did mean something to me.

Anyway, I don't know why I keep trying to explain it b/c apparently I'm not being heard, but the point is this Cemar....I did not reject my h...ok? He left me right at the point that I was beginning to enjoy sex and wanted sex and was on the verge of having a climax for the very first time in my life...sex. (If you remember...and is this ironic or what....but I had "prayed" for years and years for God to help me in that department.) And, that is what I did not understand...why would he walk out of the bedroom (so to speak) at that point and time of our R? Isn't that what he always wanted? And, I have never gotten him to answer me about it, either. (God was finally answering my prayers....and my H walks out of the bedroom and never shows any desire to have sex again.)

So, he had no reason to use that old "rejection" as his excuse. I even told him year before that, that I would have sex whenever he wanted it...but guess that wasn't good enough. Plus, all the years we were married...up until the past eleven years when he chose to stop having sex with me....I ...are you listening here? I...me...Sandi....was the one that always pursued him!!! Did you hear that Cemar? I was always the one that put the life into the R with all the cute little "spice up the M" stuff. I just wanted to see him do something to show some "life" about himself and for once.....Mr. Sandi be the one to put some spice into the MR instead of me always being the one to "pusue". He didn't pursue....don't you get it? He just laid around and waited for me to do it all. Oh, he may use some crude manner to intiate sex and I might not have responded to him, and he called that rejection. For an example...and this happened quite often....he would come in the house and walk up behind me when I was washing dishes and ram his hands down the inside of my pants. No build up....no sweet words....just ram his hands down the inside of my underware. What was I suppose to do? Fall down on the kitchen floor, spread my legs and say, "Come get me big boy?" That is hardly the way it works for me and I have tried to tell him that over and over again. So, if you want to call that rejection....then yes, I did. I thought it was anything but romantic and that was not the way to woo me into the bedroom. I never understood after I tried to tell him how I felt about it....why would he keep doing it? Is he mentally handicapped? I finally got so fed up with it and use one of Dr. Gary Smally's advice and used a word picture to try to get him to "see" what I was trying to tell him....but he still didn't get it. So when I finally did get through to him....he gets all offended and sulls up and that was the last time he touched me sexually. So, was I wrong to try to tell him that it worked completely opposite from what he was wanting it to do to me? But, yet you think I should be the one to keep chasing after him and pursuing him? I don't get it.

We women try to keep from hurting the man's feeling b/c he is so sensitive where sex is concerened. The man takes it personally if we don't "emjoy" it or have a climax.....so a lot of women "fake" it just to protect the man's feelings. We don't dare try to explain that he isn't doing something right or what we would like for him to do......nope, he can't take it.....he thinks we are critisizing him. So what are we suppose to do? No matter what.....the monkey is on our backs. That is the way I have felt all these years...that the monkey is on my back and even after coming here and pouring my guts out to everyone....the monkey is still there.

You mentioned how the OM filled my love bank....yes he did and it would help considerably if my H would do the same. Ive tried to tell him what my love language was, but I might as well be talking to a wall for all the good it does. He did send me some flowers a couple of weeks ago when I told him how depressed I was. That was sweet of him, but that was not really what I was needing or wanting. In fact, I had to make a real effort to show him that I appreciated it. But since I was very sick with the allergies and the florist had put some stuff in the flowers that I was alergic to....it didn't help my feelings much. I was trying not to hurt his feelings and yet I was suffering from the effects it was having on my allergies! So, that seems to be the way it is with us.....bad timing about everything. That is why I want him to go to a counselor, but he won't hear of it. Pride....that's all it is.

I'm just so down and discouraged b/c sometimes I wonder if I have any feelings left for him. The kind of love a wife should have for her husband. That is when it gets dangerous and I feel very weak about the OM. I feel very empty and lonely. I guess I don't feel like doing the CHRISTIAN thing today, Cemar. But, I could use some Christian thing done for me.