I feel the same. OW has no kids, but H would be at her place, playing with her nephew (who only has a divorced mom, so no dad). And thinking back, he would ask me about questions about kids, which now I guess it was for the nephew. He told me how he would play with the kid at their house and he felt sorry for the kid. I felt sick that he is spending time with someone's kid but neglect his own. OTOH, I guess it's good for him to see what a life it is for the kid to be without a father. I feel the worst for the kid. I read a book about kids in divorced family. One of the worst thing is for the parent bring another partner in the house. The kids never know if this person will stay and become a parent, or if the new R goes sour, the person will be out again and they have to start over with another new person.
OC - You reminded me of some stuff that my H said a while ago about how he felt sorry for ow's kids and that their sitch mirrored his parent's d. It was a total revolving door with his Mom and all of her men and in the end she chose a man over her kids. Soooooooo.......he can rescue ow's kids from exactly what you described. Too bad about H's own child except that he knows that I can take care of her and me and wouldn't subject any child to that crap.
Ok.. on a lighter note, I had an employee pop into my office today and start a conversation with: "Hi beautiful". He got a little embarrassed and I think that might've just slipped out! hahahahaha!!
I wonder why WAS typically 'affairs down'? I'd like to know why ... or if there is any specific reason! Yes, mine did 'affair down' ... way down! Is their self-esteem so low that anyone will do? Or perhaps because they need someone that they can be a 'savior' for? What's up with that?
Anyway, LO, I'm glad your H is following your request to not have your child around OW. I said in my own thread tonight pick and chose your battles. This is one I would fight, too. Fortunately, I don't have to deal with OW being around my kid in my sitch!
My IC thinks that my H is suffering from depression. She is trained specifically in dealing with male depression and says he exhibits the "acting out" and blaming symptoms that are typical of male depression but not female depression. Interesting... Some men turn to alcohol.. my H turns to other women. Great.... I've been gently pushing him to get help from a new IC.
H calls at least once every day while on vacation and I have so far resisted all urges to call him - came really close this afternoon and then the phone rang.. guess who?! I also got surprised with a nice card when I got home on the day he left. He does all the right things at home and probably does as many right things the few hours/wk he spends w/ow. I mean.. he has really listened and has addressed some of my "complaints" about the M. It is weird. Maybe it's all just to make himself feel better when he leaves for good. YOu know.. He can say to everyone "I tried.. See all of the things I tried to do to please my W". Do I sound extremely cynical or what????!
I hear your cynicism. I know you've been living with his indecision for a long time. Given that, how could you not be cynical! Your patience is about run out!
On the plus side, he does seem to be making some attempt to improve things. Do you think he would really be doing them just as a cover up only? Maybe he’s doing it to make himself feel better, but what if he’s doing it to really try to work at things? Would he do those things (call very day, leave the card, do the right things at home) if he wasn't really trying? I know my H would not. He is not that type of person. If he truly wanted to do them, he would, if he didn’t … no way. What about yours?
That’s interesting about the depression. Sounds like he would benefit from seeing your IC if she is trained in male depression. I find it interesting that ‘acting out’ is a sign. Fits mine to a T. I’ve wondered how much depression contributed to his A.
Hopefully your H's time away is helping him put perspective on things. I like the fact that he is calling you everyday! That’s good, too!! Does he know that you appreciate what he's trying to do (assuming that you do appreciate it). I know my H has simple emotional needs like that -- a simple "thanks for doing that" goes a long way with him. Something that I didn't do much before now. I never realized how important it was to him.
Would he do those things (call very day, leave the card, do the right things at home) if he wasn't really trying?
Calling-probably. He's a big "touching base" person. The card is different I think because it shows some forethought. I guess I don't really know other than that he feels that we have become closer "friends" in the past month or so. I would also agree with that. I feel like my "insides have calmed down" since I told him that I refuse to live in a three person marriage and that he needs to make a decision soon or I will make a decision. I feel stronger and happier just being me. In retrospect, he probably sees/feels that.
Originally Posted By: JoieDeVivre
Does he know that you appreciate what he's trying to do (assuming that you do appreciate it).
Yes! I do appreciate it and have told him how much I appreciate him making time for our family activities, helping around the house, etc.
I think being friends is important, too -- having someone to confide in, to share your hopes, dreams, & fears. I hope he realizes how important it is in a marriage. It's great that you're stronger and happier just being you.
