Kett, you are absolutely right about how keeping it to yourself is the first thing you think of doing. Especially when it's something really scary like this. Somehow when you share it, it becomes more real. And engaging with the big medical machine that we call our health care system is VERY scary in and of itself.
One night my late H and I were sitting around and watching TV. I could tell something was not right. I didn't know what it was, but I was like Mrs. IC-- I was just picking up funny vibes. (He was already on dialysis at this point.) I kept asking him what was wrong, and he kept saying "nothing." What he meant was he HOPED it was nothing. The next morning he fessed up and told me he had been having chest pains all night. We went to the ER-- I guess I drove him; he never did wind up ever going to the hospital in an ambulance. He wound up having an emergency angioplasty (not the same occasion as the other time I referred to-- I think he had three angioplasties-- I've forgotten). Should I have been mad at him for not telling me he was having chest pains the night before? How could I? He was scared. I was scared.
Three years ago, the day before Easter of 2004, my boyfriend was mowing the lawn and he came in and said he felt like a fist was squeezing the middle of his chest. I gave him three aspirin and told him to chew them. I drove him to the local fire station-- a good intermediate place to go if you think you may be having a heart attack. The guys suggested he go to the ER, so I drove him there. A week later he had quad bypass surgery. Then he confessed that he had had that same squeezing feeling about two months before when working in the yard out at my house in the country, but he hadn't told me. Yeah, he could have died either time... but I really understood why he didn't want to tell me. Because then it would become real.
Mr. & Mrs. IC, I have another piece of advice for you: don't talk this to death. Don't anticipate a bunch of stuff. Make sure all of your insurance is paid up and immediately stop worrying about everything that isn't important, like who picks up their socks, and buying a new car and stuff. I'm not saying to turn your life upside down, but spend a lot of time together just being... watch movies with the kids, take walks, sit and look at the stars. Especially, don't overdo Christmas! Keep it simple. Every day, look around you and be grateful. Gratitude is a great mental, emotional, and physical healer. Use this bad news as an excuse to focus on the family, on friendships, mend emotional fences with people, get a lot of rest, and just be together. Many people who go through cancer say that it really taught them how to live... and they went on to live very long, rewarding lives.
