Hi everybody - I'm off to LA today so I'll be off the boards for a few days. Just wanted to leave you with a few thoughts about trust.
SIL asked me yesterday how do you regain that trust. And I realized, trust is really overrated. Of course I'll never really trust my H again. It will always be possible for him to do this again. I will never be naive again. And the trust that I used to have was obviously misplaced, so what value was it really? Just an illusion of security when in real life there is no sure thing.
What I think IS important is being able to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the relationship again. To allow yourself to take that risk again, without putting up defenses that get in the way of true intimacy. Without witholding part of yourself from the R. And I guess this is where all the work on ourselves and loving detachment comes in, because the idea of taking that risk is not quite so scary when you are confident of yourself and your ability to have a good life on your own if necessary. When you are able to see that your spouse's choices are not a valid commentary on your own worth. When you no longer need the security blanket of thinking they will provide all of your emotional needs.
Just my thought for the day. Have a good weekend everybody! Ellie
Quote: Without witholding part of yourself from the R
what if part of you is in pain?? and that pain is a result of the deceat?? how can that part of yourself be shared? esp with a spouse who just wants to get over it...
File Under "Don't Believe Everything the Aliens Say" True quotes from my H: November: "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" December: "My head is spinning" January: "I just don't think I can get those loving feelings back" February 13: "I love you" Last weekend: "It's a privilege to be loved by you" and " every day I fall more and more in love with you"
Ellie, I miss you in newcomers!! I may have to move here to be with the old folks. How is the training? Soudns like things are very good! I took a few days off the BB and missed a ton! You would be proud, I made dinner last night- working on the food angle! I am doing pretty well, although H spent the night and seems to be in that "oh my, I am horrible, I spent the night with my W" mood , but you know One thing I have learned recently is I read way too much into his moods. Lots of times it is NOT about me (I know shocking). Shay
Hi Shay - training is good! Took Thursday and Friday off after seven days in a row of hiking with weighted pack. Then spent Saturday morning in the gym at the hotel (business trip to LA with H) - an hour of weight training upper body and abs, then and hour on treadmill and 20 mins on stairmaster. Yesterday did my 1 hr. 15 min. hike with weighted pack with SIL (visiting from out of town) and went surfing.Feeling good, need to crank up the distances and fing some rough trails to hike.
I know what you mean about reading the moods, are you familiar with my Itchy Butt Theory? Sometimes they ARE in a bad mood, but if you act as if, you can pull them out of it. Sometimes they're NOT in a bad mood, they just have an itchy rash on their butt and it's distracting them. So Act As If, no matter what!
Ellie, Oh yes Itchy butt theory...I remember! And I am On it! 2+ hours of training is something to be proud of- you could run a marathon with that kind of training! Great job- you should be very proud! you are making me want to exercise as I sit here on my butt right now! Shay
Don't know about the marathons - running just doesn't come easlity to me - it's a big thing if I can actually run for five minutes on the treadmill! Slow and steady, that's me. Ellie
