I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[Kettricken]

Cemar, I just want to add that sometimes the man is not healthy enough to receive the love, respect and desire from his spouse. The spouse may have done all she could do, but her H, for psychological reasons, finds ways to push her away.

This was a lot of what was causing the problems in my marriage, specifically in my sex life. Because of some potent subconscious issues from his mad-as-a-box-of-frogs FOO, he would often push me away sexually/erotically and didn't even realize why or the extent to which he was doing it. This went in cycles, which made it even more confusing. And difficult for me to articulate what exactly was "missing/wrong", which I regret -- it was very much a failure of communication/courage on my part too. (I keep meaning to post about it ....) But I think it's very valid in some cases, and how frustrating to realize that the spouse reaching out for more intimacy can be "doing everything right" and still not seeing positive change.

However ...

Sandi .... I don't think anyone thinks it's "your responsibility", as such, to initiate more physical intimacy with your husband. But you are the one who is interested in seeing things improve. You've dipped your toe outside your marriage, and found the water too cold to bear, in terms of the consequences to your extended family and spiritual life. So if you still want the passion and intimacy, you will need to seek it inside your marriage. As far as initiation goes .... if not you, who? This is cliche', but true .... if not now, when? You could keep waiting to "feel the appropriate feelings", and you just might wait until both of you are dead. Take the first step and reach out. Who cares whose job it is? As far as I can tell, it's not that he is mistreating you .... he probably is quite gunshy himself, after all these years of living at cross-purposes and then your foray into virtual infidelity. If you want it, grab hold of it .... at least try .... what are you waiting for .... leap year?

Edited to add: You still seem to be carrying a LOT of resentment toward your husband for not, in your mind, putting in the work to make your marriage exciting. That may be totally justified, I don't know. But it seems to be acting as a profound drag on any feelings of love and desire for him, so you might explore ways to forgive and let go of the past (easier said than done, I know). Also, sometimes, even when you don't "Want" ... it's enough to "want to want". Like the man said to Christ ... "I have faith ... help me out where I need faith." Reaching out to your husband will take a leap of faith for you, I think. And to the degree that you believe that God wants you to enjoy a loving and affectionate marriage, it could be an act of religious faith as well as personal faith in yourself and your husband.