Oops...I forgot about the MC part. It is true that there are lots of bad ones. In general, I think you'll find two groups. The first want to help you get over the M. The second will help you save it. Of course, the difficulty is in distinguishing the former from the latter.
The Divorce Remedy has a couple good sections on this I'd recommend you read. The first is in Chapter One under the heading "Well-Meaning Therapists" (pg 29). The second is at the end of Chapter Six under the heading "The Last-Resort Technique" (pg 131). The former talks about what to avoid and the latter talks about what to look for.
Read both carefully and then start looking for an MC. Do this by yourself and for yourself. Don't include your W at this point and don't tell her about it. Interview these therapists (they should offer a free 15 min. introduction) and quiz them with regard to the things Michele points out. If they're not "solutions oriented", don't conform, or don't want to give an interview, drop 'em and move on to the next.
I recommend choosing an MC of the same gender as the WAS. This sounds counter-intuitive, but I think it's important for this reason: A WAS spouse usually isn't looking at things clearly and a person of the same gender is more likely to call BS on that. It also gives you the opportunity to gain some insight from the other side...so to speak...which, if you're like most LBS, you are in desperate need of.
I also recommend that you select one that is willing to see each of you individually as well as together. Why? Two reasons. First, you need to start going yourself, without your WAW. This is to help you understand the situation, give you an outlet for things you should not be discussing with your WAW yet, and provide professional counsel (the folks here may be great people, but never forget that we have no professional training!).
Second, if your WAW should decide to consider counseling, you have someone who could see her separately. In my opinion, when things are as broken as they are in your case, you're not going to be able to just hop into the process together. That means you will probably need to do separate MC for a while and then transition into joint MC as you make progress.
Finally, if you can do it, try to get an MC that does individual counseling on a regular basis as well (not just willing to in your case). This allows your WAW to look at this as IC at first (even though the goal is, ultimately, MC) and allows you to avoid having the counseling appear to your WAW as a trap back into the M (you'll see how this factors in below).
In sum, here's what I would do. Look for a good MC that values marriage above all else, is future-looking and results-oriented, and concurs with Michele's philosophy on marriage and relationships. Once you find this person, start going yourself. Don't tell your WAW about it at this point. Just do this for you and to deal with the issues you now face (the PA, how to proceed, anger, etc.).
If at some point you have a conversation with your WAW where it would be appropriate and in context to mention that you are seeing a counselor (I wouldn't mention marriage counselor at this point), I would just casually note it. Then let it drop. If she pursues it (either then or at a later date), simply say that you wanted someone to help you understand things better, give you a different perspective on things, help you work through some issues, and bring some good out of the situation by making yourself better (and don't just say this, make sure you're doing it).
If she expresses any interest or curiosity, offer her the name and phone number. Speak well of the person, but don't gush or offer to set anything up. Just say s/he seems nice and has helped you. Then let her pursue it on her own (no questions later about it unless she brings it up first). Once you are both seeing the MC separately, s/he can start working on your issues with the ultimate goal of bringing you both into joint MC. This, however, will take time so don't rush (and don't expect miracles).
Finally, with regard to your WAW's overtures, here's a quote from Ms. Weiner-Davis that seems appropriate for your sitch.: "The general rule of thumb here is to be responsive to your partner's new interest, but not too responsive.... You need to stay interested, but cool, until you are absolutely convinced that your spouse's renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold.... Don't move too quickly! It's really important to pace yourselves."
