IC, The good thing about fcking up is that you sometimes get the chance to un-fck it up. Have some faith in Miss IC.
I have a lot of faith in Miss IC. But why do I continue to do this to her? IMO, a marriage is SUPPOSED to be 2 indivuduals that remain their own person, but yet come together and share of each other, share of each other's strengths, and weakness. Marriage is NOT pushing the other aside, pushing the other's feelings away or sheltering their feelings. Marriage is of trusting that the other can and will be there and CAN handle it. I've stepped on that trust. All this work that I've done on myself to get to where I thought we were only to find out that maybe the trust isn't real. kwis? The fact remains...I went as far as I could go with it..alone! I didn't include Miss IC.
IC, Is this really all about trust issues and fear of vulnerability? Perhaps it has to do with wanting to protect her and the kids, which really is a manly thing.
IC, it doesn't matter why you do/did it-- really. Just get over that part. It was a knee-jerk reaction (so to speak). Bad judgment on your part.
Mrs. IC, if you're reading this: his keeping this from you until right before the chemo was WRONG and ALMOST inexcusable... notice I said "almost." If you pull back now, it will compound the offense.
My late H HATED what his health issues did to us. He hated the way my life became all about him and what was going on with him. But that's the way it was. IC is feeling bad about putting you through this. Okay. That's HIS offense... he meant well. He didn't want to hurt you. He miscalculated. Forgive him. Right now.
YOU have the choice now whether to pull back or go to him-- whether you feel like going to him or not. The past few weeks have been so good. Don't throw that away. You need each other.
When I found out that my H was going to have to go on dialysis, I ran to the bathroom at the doctor's office and had a massive attack of diarrhea (my visceral response to extreme terror). And there was a LOT of fear to face over the next ten years. Some things turned out to be not as bad as we were afraid of, and some turned out to be worse. But it was always better to go through them together. That doesn't mean you have to stick together like glue, or that you can never weep alone... but the more you stay open to each other, the more bearable the road ahead will be.
So. Both of you. Get past this. Start talking again. You're mad. You're worried. You're upset that you just started to get the boat back on course and now there's a huge reef ahead. Be mad. Be scared. But be these things together.
Mrs. IC, go home. Don't punish him for being a scared macho manly jerk. Don't let him spend the night by himself.
IC, get in the car and go talk to her at her friend's, if she's not home by now.
You've got some stuff ahead of you... you need to face it as a team.
Don't overlook the fact that you're kids will be taking their cues from you as to how scared to be. Show them that love will get you through anything, even terror.
I'm not really sure what this is about. Right now I'm only guessing how she must feel (she's gone to her girlfriends and is not talking to me right now) I'm guessing that she feels hurt, confused, scared, and I would venture that she feels betrayed...and I can't blame her. I've kept something from her, something that affect all of us, not just me. So yea, I would say a lot of it is a trust issue...I've lied to her.
RJ, I don't know what's going to happen to me and the truth is, I'm not afraid of that unknown. What scares the hell out of me is what I would be leaving behind. Kiddo, I'm fcking scared to death of that. Why is it that something that scares me so, why would I even imagine that I could go it alone or at least to this point? Miss IC is my heart and soul but why do I continue to hurt her by leaving her out?
I feel strange that some how my thread started something. But reading some of your posts here, And what a wise man told me once , ( and I mean this nicely)
"throw the blame game in the fcking garbage and ask yourself..."what can I do to make my marriage better? What is my wife lacking that I have not been providing to her?"
these are wise words.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Thanks, it hurts to hear of your late husbands trials but it is a big help hearing how the two of you dealt with whatever came up. It sounds like you guys had a very special relationship Thank you for sharing your stories, I take them all to heart
Originally Posted By: Lillieperl
Mrs. IC, go home. Don't punish him for being a scared macho manly jerk.
Gee thanks Lill ! I'm here showing my ass and you don't hesitate to shove it in and break it off do ya
I'm going to give Miss IC her space. I'm sure once she gets a chance to reflect on things she'll come home. She is a strong girl and unlike me, she makes the right decisions. I consider myself very lucky to have her
You two really are very special. Either one of you would be hard pressed to find a better partner.
IC, look at it this way: you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. Not sure how that is relevant, but it feels right.
Why is it that something that scares me so, why would I even imagine that I could go it alone or at least to this point? Miss IC is my heart and soul but why do I continue to hurt her by leaving her out?
Like Lil says, you went the macho route. My father does this too...tells my H about some setbacks and tells him not to tell me. And I don't tell him how I am doing emotioanlly. Everybody is protecting one another, in some sort of dysfunctional dance.
It's good you are recognizing how it must feel from your W's point of view. And if you didn't, I have my very own whip for this purpose!
Miss IC, now where did you go? Get that pretty heart shaped a$$ here this instant!
I feel strange that some how my thread started something. But reading some of your posts here, And what a wise man told me once , ( and I mean this nicely)
"throw the blame game in the fcking garbage and ask yourself..."what can I do to make my marriage better? What is my wife lacking that I have not been providing to her?"
these are wise words.
LOL, thanks buddy. I didn't mean to be harsh, but yea, I guess I should take my own advice
Thank you for sharing your stories, I take them all to heart 
