Just sitting here basically numb. My kids called me, S9 concerned about me, S7 clearly still upset, S5 wanting to know what I'm doing and daughter was in the shower.
A lot of regrets and fear right now. A lot of really tough / hard situations ahead, all pretty much on me and wondering how I will deal with.
Angry at my W, her friends, family all of it.
Now I have to get an attorney and spend even more money. I feel like I am flushing 10s of thousands down the toilet. A lot of hard work looking to our kids future flushed because my W is selfish. That is how I feel about it.
Numb watching Vanessa Marcil, can't even get the energy up to watch a movie.
Waiting for S9 to call but his mom must have talked him out of it. Too late now.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Stop beating yourself up. None of us are perfect and you've done the best you could. You're W quit. Not you.
I have a hard time imagining that your W and you would sit down and jointly work out a plan to tell your kids. What, did she expect you to just sit there and not tell them? She had you served. She didn't even have the courtesy to tell you face to face. What utter BS for her to get upset that you told your kids. effe her.
Take care of your kids. Do what's right by your W.
The counselling sounds like a great idea for the two of you to allow you to co-parent successfully. I mean, she hasn't even called you by name for what, 8 months now? That speaks to a level of immaturity I can't even begin to understand.
You're not a failure at DBing. Or at anything else. It takes two to tango, and she stopped dancing a long time ago.
Plus, as everyone says, pull waaaaaaaay back and give her all the space in the world. No contact other than kids and setting up legal appointments. Live your life for you and your kids. For the next little while, maybe forever, she's not your responsibility. She's not yours to fix or help. Let her go.
Sorry, man. I know how much this sucks.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Thanks H All I can think about now is how so very sad I am for my children. I have to figure out how not to get disconnected with them if it comes down to 1 night a week and every other weekend. They are so precious to me, I just want to scream.
I am so worried about my daughter. She is so closed off already that I fear this pushes her away for good, that my sons 5 and 7 forget me somehow and all think this is "ok" to do when they are married.
Oh god, what I must have done in our marriage for a woman to do this.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
CVA- You are such a good dad. I know that you will find a way to stay connected with all of your kids.
I remember you writing a long way back about wanting to do 1-on-1 activities with each child. Since your D seems to be closed off, maybe you should plan something in the next few days for just her and you.
Had your W said anything to the kids about the D or did they hear about it from you first? I'm astonished that she wouldn't have told you that she was going to file.
You wrote:" Oh god, what I must have done in our marriage for a woman to do this." Cva- Don't take this all upon yourself. It takes 2- it's obvious that you were not the sole source of the problems in the marriage.
I hate not being able to sleep before driving. Anyone, one thought for you, CVA. Visitation and custody aren't just dictated by the W. Figure out what you would like and go for it. With four kids, you're going to have to split responsibilities for taking them places as they get older and involved in activities. You'll have ample opportunities to see them.
I only saw my dad every other weekend and we're still close. Thing is, when you live with one of the parents, that parent gets all of the day to day, just living stuff -- which, yeah, is good. With a weekend, you get concentrated time together. It adds up.
Plus, NA brings up a good point. As a businessman, you know nothing in life gets done without planning and scheduling. Start scheduling one night a week with each kid to spend alone time. Every Tuesday night is kid night and take them out in turn. Or every other week. Or whatever works. Thing is, plan for it so that it'll happen.
And, not all your fault. Your W, like mine, CHOOSES not to share her feelings with you. That's their failing, not ours. What's the saying, you can't make chicken salad with chicken feathers (or fuzz in our cases).
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
CVA, I feel for you man, sorry to hear about being served. I agree with what everyone here is saying, and I know for a fact that by backing way off, it does help things, for both.
Just wanted to let you know, by backing off, I have started to show my W that I am getting my life together without her, that I am still being a great father to my kids, that I do have a life without her. Remember when you said that I didn't really show that confident side to her when we had contact, well, I really listened to what you were saying, you were so right, so with me backing off, I not only found all of that confidence, but it now comes shining through, and believe me, my W would have to be physically blind not to see it, and I have you to thank for that.
As you know, me and my W have been separated emotionally and physically for almost a year. but it was not the end of our story, together, the chapters keep coming, and one way or another I know there will be a happy ending, for me at least, and I pray the same for you as well.
As far as the kids, I also understand about talking to them about the D, through trial and error, I know that you just have to keep control of your emotions, don't show or take blame, just say it happened. When we are so close to our kids, sometimes we forget that they are kids, try not to do that. They just want to know that they will be taken care of, and loved by both parents, all you can do in that instance, is speak for yourself, let your W tell them her side, if she wishes. That is what they want to hear.
Just keep on being the great dad, the great friend, and great person that we all know that you are. Let things just play out. Email me, if you need to, Take care.
Here's another hug for you today, C ((((((CVA))))))
I agree with the others, don't get eaten up by the guilt. Your W choose this, she chose not to try, not to talk to you. She filed the papers (and didn't even give you a heads up just like mine didn't). This is on her, whether she chooses to believe this or not.
I feel no guilt about my sitch now. I know I could have been a much better wife. I know there are lots of things I could have done better. But I was more than willing to examine those things and make great improvements. I was willing to do whatever it took, just like you. My H and your W weren't willing to put in the work. There is nothing you or I should feel bad about now. We were willing to leave no stone unturned, but our spouses were just not willing.
Send me an e-mail if you want to talk. I should be around all weekend trying to rest up and feel better.
Anyone reading this, all u guys out there especially. I asked W about living arrangements and me being there for the kids. "I need more space"
Pretty much says it all. I failed at this and Divorce papers are the result. Give them space, if you don't it is almost sure to fail.
If you don't already have an agreement for the kids, then now is a good time to start - If she's pulling out the D card, then you need to get ahead of her when it comes to taking care of your children.
I'm so sorry that it came to this stage. It's hard to lose hope when a major event happens, but maybe going through the process of the D is what W needs to do to comprehend what she is throwing away? There are numerous couples who reconcile during and after D has been filed - It may not be the nail in the coffin that you think it is.
Hey Thanks everyone. Pretty sad today. It is so nice outside about to watch S9 play soccer which is one of the greatest joys. He is so happy out there that I get filled with the greatest joy. If only we could live these moments 24/7. I don't have to think about W or a D or anything, just focused on him and how much fun *he* is having
Be back later
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Glad you got to watch the soccer game today; it's obviously precious to you to see your kids enjoying themselves.
They're going to be fine, CVA, and you're going to have a huge hand in that. The degree to which they'll be fine will depend a lot on you and how you deal with things moving forward. Concentrate on them and showing them that everything's going to be alright---not ideal, of course, but great nonetheless---and I think it'll help you, too.
Take good care of yourself today, and holler when you want. (((CVA))))
