First, a shout out to kikisum...good to hear from you. I'll pop over to your thread tomorrow.
SR...I'd lost you when you switched to a new thread. I've got so many threads I try to keep tabs on, I pretty much just rely on my watched list to let me know when there's something to check on (of course, when a thread goes dark, that doesn't work so well).
At any rate, let me just start by saying, "Holy cow!" I can't believe everything that has transpired in your sitch. Talk about a good news/bad news deal.
OK. So where do you go from here. Well, I agree with pretty much all the advice you've gotten. I think this would be a lousy time to abandon everything you've worked for up to now so I think you ought to hear her out. Take it easy, listen, and let her take the lead (that last one is important for both of you).
That having been said, you also need to be cautious. There's an old seaman's phrase that goes "Any port in a storm". The point is, no matter what can be otherwise said against it, you go for any safe harbor you can when things get tough. This may very well be the case with your WAW. Of course, it may also be that the Herpes 2x4 has knocked some sense into her (tough way to learn) and the ugly realities of the singles life have finally set in.
Trouble is, from where you're standing...and for the time being...you have no way to tell which it is. Thus, you're left in the awkward position of having to play both sides of the fence: Leave the door open in case it's one without leaving yourself completely exposed in case it's the other. I don't envy you. However, with care, patience, and gritty determination, I believe you can pull it off.
I think you are on the right track in expecting more than just words. Now is the time for action on her part and if she can't make even the smallest concrete steps toward you, then I think you need to be doubly cautious. The definition of manipulation is "exerting shrewd or devious influence especially for one's own advantage". Before you jump, make certain her statements are being consistently backed up by her actions.
As for the OM/PA, I am so very sorry for you. As others have stated here, this may or may not have been a "one-time" shot and I also suspect that it wasn't just last month. But if she's been lying for months (whether to herself, others, or both), it's gonna be hard for her to just cut to the cold...and very ugly...truth right out of the gate. As a result, you probably won't know the whole story for some time.
The betrayal of a PA, and the deceit that is part-and-parcel of it, are so painful and damaging. Trust is shattered (in the fullest sense of that word) and it seems like you'll never get beyond it. However, let me assure you that it is possible. Like everything else, it will take time (are you sick of hearing that yet?). Don't believe me? Well, consider this...
Just before my WAW left, I discovered a journal outlining the awful details of her three-month (at least according to what was documented) PA. This, of course, exposed all the lies she had told over the course of the A. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't eat for 72 hours and ate very little over the next couple weeks. I dropped 20+ pounds and was already thin to begin with so I quickly began looking like I had one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.
Oh, and let's not forget about the mental images. I was afraid to close my eyes or go to sleep. Picturing them together in all the places described in the journal (including our house!) nearly drove me to madness. Perhaps the only thing that kept me from going over the edge was the fact that I simply couldn't figure out how to puke and run screaming from the building all at the same time.
However, as horrible as it all was, it has been 13 months since that fateful day and I can honestly say that it no longer haunts me. So, there is hope. In the meantime, however, you are just going to have to permit yourself to feel the pain and anger (it's OK, really). Personally, I let it all out while I was in the shower. I'd lather up and get lathered up...railing away at the horror of it all. You'll have to do what works for you. My point is that you can't avoid the feelings, so you need allow yourself to feel and release them in a constructive (perhaps non-damaging would be a better word) way/situation.
Of course, your case has the added twist of a permanent reminder of your W's infidelity. Sadly, this will always be a painful reminder (for both of you). The only silver lining is that you haven't been ML during the separation (as others like kiki did) so at least you won't have to directly pay for your WAW's egregious lack of good judgment. Yours is also a good example (a cautionary tale, as it were) of why continuing to ML during a separation when one party is clearly not committed to the R is so very, very dangerous.
It's way too early to call anything one way or the other (as kikisum quite properly points out). However, of all the things that have transpired in the last several months, this is perhaps the only one that can truly be said to have positive potential. Sure, it's a small victory...but it's still a victory. Don't break out the bubbly yet, but give yourself permission to be pleased...if only for a minute.
