Your being LIED too. Your own body is lying to you. The reason affairs are so appealing to women is the NEWNESS FACTOR. When LD women start new relationships, their bodies start producing all kinds of chemicals that MIMIC testosterone, which jump starts their libidos. Your going to experience this, and in 18-24 months, it will fail you just like the first time 40 years ago. Your desire will drop off.
It is so hard when you've gone eleven years without any intimacy! Unless you've been there, I don't think you can understand just what it is like. I have not had anyone to even sleep in the same bed with me in almost 20 years. Can you imagine what that is like? I use to try to make him understand how important that was to me.....but apparently he didn't care enough......so I guess I eventually stopped caring also. I can feel this, I have sex about 5 time a year with my wife, but over the last 7 years, we have NEVER kissed in any way, we have not cuddled, we have not hugged, she has not flirted with me, she has not even made ANY effort to touch me in any kind of sexual or romantic way. We do not say ILY, we do not show any affection, we don't even wear our wedding rings. The last time my wife expressed desire for me was 13 year ago, to produce our last son. So I can kind of feel your situation, and I know exactly how your husband feels.
Now that he knows I have given up the OM, he seems to be completely satisfied to lay on that blasted couch every night and watch TV until he falls asleep. It is the same thing night after night, just like it has always been. I get so bored that I feel like I'm going to scream. That is what got me into trouble the last time.....bordom and lonliness. This is what SSM's do to people, you lose all hope for the future. Your husband probably believes that divorce is not an option, but he also knows the pain of rejection, and he wants to STOP that pain. So the only solution is to do NOTHING, to avoid you. I can tell you from my own experience, that living with a LD wife is about the loneliest thing a man can do. His watching TV is his way of coping since he can not change YOU.
My D wanted to know why I couldn't put some of the energy into my H that I put into the OM.......and I didn't know how to answer her b/c I didn't understand it myself. That is the point of my questions as well. Your wasting all that effort on greener pastures (which they ARE not). Put it TOWARDS your husband.
Why do you expect your husband to go first, ESPECIALLY after all the years of rejection you put him through? At best, your husband can only change himself, he does NOT have the power to change your marriage, YOU DO. In SSM's, NOTHING is going to change until the LD woman decides for herself that SHE must change. He can do many thing to make himself more desireable, but this means absolutely nothing until you actually DESIRE him.
His goal is to win your desire and your respect. What can he do that will cause this? And not in 2-3 years, how can he do this in the next 2-3 months? There is no way that he is going to work at winning your desire for another 2-3 years.
